[HazelGirl]

I feel awful.

I don't want to contact her because she is on vacation and that's supposed to be the time you get away from work. It shouldn't follow you to vacation, and I would end up feeling even worse trying to contact her.

I feel like everyone hates me. My birthday is this month and I scheduled a party, and even though I invited close to 40 people, absolutely none have RSVP'd. Zero out of 40 people. There isn't a single person in my life who is willing and able to spend a few hours with me one time in order to celebrate my birthday. It's still a few weeks away, but I feel like those that haven't replied yet are just waiting to see if something better comes along, and they don't really want to go. A few have given me legitimate reasons why they can't, and that's fine. I expected that. But most have just ignored me.

I feel hated and rejected. I feel like no one cares about me at all and that they would all be better off if I was gone. I don't understand what's wrong with me. What is it about me that is so horrible that absolutely no one wants anything to do with me? What about me is so horrific? Absolutely no one has ever really cared. I have no one to turn to or to talk to. I have no one who is there for me. What's the point?

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I feel awful.

I don't want to contact her because she is on vacation and that's supposed to be the time you get away from work. It shouldn't follow you to vacation, and I would end up feeling even worse trying to contact her.

I feel like everyone hates me. My birthday is this month and I scheduled a party, and even though I invited close to 40 people, absolutely none have RSVP'd. Zero out of 40 people. There isn't a single person in my life who is willing and able to spend a few hours with me one time in order to celebrate my birthday. It's still a few weeks away, but I feel like those that haven't replied yet are just waiting to see if something better comes along, and they don't really want to go. A few have given me legitimate reasons why they can't, and that's fine. I expected that. But most have just ignored me.

I feel hated and rejected. I feel like no one cares about me at all and that they would all be better off if I was gone. I don't understand what's wrong with me. What is it about me that is so horrible that absolutely no one wants anything to do with me? What about me is so horrific? Absolutely no one has ever really cared. I have no one to turn to or to talk to. I have no one who is there for me. What's the point?

So, how long ago did you send out the invitations? I think that's a valid question because often when those of us who suffer from abandonment/rejection issues, start angsting and worrying when people don't respond one or two days after the invitations go out. It is pretty normal for people to wait until the last minute to respond--makes for real problems when we're trying to plan for a party, but that's life, even for people who are popular and unconcerned about who is or isn't coming to their party.

And yes, I agree with you that you shouldn't "follow" your therapist on her vacation. You can handle this situation. Yes, it would feel good and mean a lot to you to contact her and get her reassurance that you're "okay", but in the long run, you're going to feel a lot more self assured and confident if you handle it without contacting her. Call a good friend and talk it over with them. It doesn't have to be a close friend, just someone who is open to listening and who understand the angst involved in inviting other people to their house. Believe me, that's everyone I know. Party's are difficult and anxiety producing even for the most popular people . . . okay, a few mega stars don't worry about this.

By the way, Happy Birthday!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

So, how long ago did you send out the invitations? I think that's a valid question because often when those of us who suffer from abandonment/rejection issues, start angsting and worrying when people don't respond one or two days after the invitations go out. It is pretty normal for people to wait until the last minute to respond--makes for real problems when we're trying to plan for a party, but that's life, even for people who are popular and unconcerned about who is or isn't coming to their party.

And yes, I agree with you that you shouldn't "follow" your therapist on her vacation. You can handle this situation. Yes, it would feel good and mean a lot to you to contact her and get her reassurance that you're "okay", but in the long run, you're going to feel a lot more self assured and confident if you handle it without contacting her. Call a good friend and talk it over with them. It doesn't have to be a close friend, just someone who is open to listening and who understand the angst involved in inviting other people to their house. Believe me, that's everyone I know. Party's are difficult and anxiety producing even for the most popular people . . . okay, a few mega stars don't worry about this.

By the way, Happy Birthday!

It's been over a week since I invited people. Not one or two days. And since it's been over the internet, I know I'm not waiting on snail mail to deliver the invitations.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It's been over a week since I invited people. Not one or two days. And since it's been over the internet, I know I'm not waiting on snail mail to deliver the invitations.

I really sympathise with you HazelGirl. That's one of the reasons I can't bring myself to have a party. I've had too many that I've held where no one has turned up. My last birthday, I wad going to have a picnic, but when the day came all but one person had canceled. So, if it helps, your not the only one who has experienced this

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It's been over a week since I invited people. Not one or two days. And since it's been over the internet, I know I'm not waiting on snail mail to deliver the invitations.

I am truly sorry that you feel that people are rejecting/abandoning you by not responding in a timely manner. Sometimes people are out of town or busy with their own lives. Sometimes they mean to respond, but forget. But sometimes, they are just irresponsible and unfeeling in their failure to respond. Human can be cruel or just absentminded. If they are unfeeling or cruel, I would ask, are these really people who you want at your party? If they are just absentminded or busy, perhaps they need a bit of slack. It's hard to tell where people fall, but that's part of the pain of life.

HazelGirl, I've read many of your wonderful responses to other people about their insecurities and pain about friendships and feelings of rejection. I know that you have said that you struggle to put those thoughts and suggestions into action in your own life, but you know what, they are GREAT suggestions and thoughts about how difficult it is for all of us to handle rejection and abandonment. Perhaps it might help for you to reread some of your own truly GREAT posts to other people and begin to incorporate some of your wonderful psychologically sound suggestions into your own life. You have a truly gifted ability to see the pain and rejection others feel in their life, and you seem to hit on the cognitive distortions they have in clearly seeing their problems. Now is the time for you to begin to incorporate and use those wonderful skills in your own difficulties. I say this with respect and care. You do have great skills. Time to use them in your own life!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I really sympathise with you HazelGirl. That's one of the reasons I can't bring myself to have a party. I've had too many that I've held where no one has turned up. My last birthday, I wad going to have a picnic, but when the day came all but one person had canceled. So, if it helps, your not the only one who has experienced this

I also don't hold parties for the same reason. Because things like this always happen. I hate myself for being so awful that no one is willing to tolerate being around me.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I am truly sorry that you feel that people are rejecting/abandoning you by not responding in a timely manner. Sometimes people are out of town or busy with their own lives. Sometimes they mean to respond, but forget. But sometimes, they are just irresponsible and unfeeling in their failure to respond. Human can be cruel or just absentminded. If they are unfeeling or cruel, I would ask, are these really people who you want at your party? If they are just absentminded or busy, perhaps they need a bit of slack. It's hard to tell where people fall, but that's part of the pain of life.

HazelGirl, I've read many of your wonderful responses to other people about their insecurities and pain about friendships and feelings of rejection. I know that you have said that you struggle to put those thoughts and suggestions into action in your own life, but you know what, they are GREAT suggestions and thoughts about how difficult it is for all of us to handle rejection and abandonment. Perhaps it might help for you to reread some of your own truly GREAT posts to other people and begin to incorporate some of your wonderful psychologically sound suggestions into your own life. You have a truly gifted ability to see the pain and rejection others feel in their life, and you seem to hit on the cognitive distortions they have in clearly seeing their problems. Now is the time for you to begin to incorporate and use those wonderful skills in your own difficulties. I say this with respect and care. You do have great skills. Time to use them in your own life!

The thing is that a part of me can do that. A part of me can and does analyze what I'm thinking and feeling and can see how distorted it is. The problem is that the rest of my mind ignores that part. It doesn't matter whether I can see how illogical it all is. Because a majority of my mind is convinced that it is fact even though I can see how much I am jumping to conclusions.

[HazelGirl]

And that logical part of my brain isn't even working tonight. The only thing keeping me from doing something more drastic is the knowledge that I will get to hold newborn twins a friend of mine had tomorrow morning. I don't know how I will get through the rest of the weekend.

[QUOTE=HazelGirl;4030262]I also don't hold parties for the same reason. Because things like this always happen. I hate myself for being so awful that no one is willing to tolerate being around me.

Whoa! What in people not responding to your invitation to a birthday celebration tells you that they are not "willing to tolerate being around me"? I get it that it hurts not to hear from people when you send out an invitation, BUT as you so eloquently state in many of your other posts, no response doesn't mean that they don't care. It means that they are absentminded, socially inept, jerks or just plain unprepared to plan their lives. Hazelgirl, you're mindreading and catastrophizing here. You can't possibly know why people aren't responding. Maybe you're right. Maybe these people aren't interested in celebrating your birthday with you (of course I have to think that all of them aren't thinking that! But I understand your tendency to self-hate and self-doubt as a reason you think this), but you need to rethink this. You have told people many times on this forum to slow down and not mindread what other people think. You need to use your own wonderful advice!

The thing is that a part of me can do that. A part of me can and does analyze what I'm thinking and feeling and can see how distorted it is. The problem is that the rest of my mind ignores that part. It doesn't matter whether I can see how illogical it all is. Because a majority of my mind is convinced that it is fact even though I can see how much I am jumping to conclusions.

You know what? On this forum, all of us or most of us, ignore our own WISE mind. We distort things and fail to see how our thinking makes things twisted or illogical. I'm sure from your posts that you get that you are no different than any of us. It's a great feeling to know that you're in good company, right? Most of us struggle with the idea that our mind is clever at unsettling us, and we are wrong in our assumptions. And often we are wrong in our assumptions. We need to seek out others to check on our assumptions. Others on this board seek out and accept your assertions that they are thinking in a distorted manner. Maybe its time to accept that your own assumptions might possibly be distorted. Does EVERY person you invited want to come to your birthday party need to come? Probably not (although I can't say for sure), but are there some great, caring and compassionate people who care about you and want your birthday to be a happy and joyful affair? I'm guessing, yes! If not, it's time to seek out some new loving and supportive people. Not a bad thing to do for any person. Take care.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Whoa! What in people not responding to your invitation to a birthday celebration tells you that they are not "willing to tolerate being around me"? I get it that it hurts not to hear from people when you send out an invitation, BUT as you so eloquently state in many of your other posts, no response doesn't mean that they don't care. It means that they are absentminded, socially inept, jerks or just plain unprepared to plan their lives. Hazelgirl, you're mindreading and catastrophizing here. You can't possibly know why people aren't responding. Maybe you're right. Maybe these people aren't interested in celebrating your birthday with you (of course I have to think that all of them aren't thinking that! But I understand your tendency to self-hate and self-doubt as a reason you think this), but you need to rethink this. You have told people many times on this forum to slow down and not mindread what other people think. You need to use your own wonderful advice!

You know what? On this forum, all of us or most of us, ignore our own WISE mind. We distort things and fail to see how our thinking makes things twisted or illogical. I'm sure from your posts that you get that you are no different than any of us. It's a great feeling to know that you're in good company, right? Most of us struggle with the idea that our mind is clever at unsettling us, and we are wrong in our assumptions. And often we are wrong in our assumptions. We need to seek out others to check on our assumptions. Others on this board seek out and accept your assertions that they are thinking in a distorted manner. Maybe its time to accept that your own assumptions might possibly be distorted. Does EVERY person you invited want to come to your birthday party need to come? Probably not (although I can't say for sure), but are there some great, caring and compassionate people who care about you and want your birthday to be a happy and joyful affair? I'm guessing, yes! If not, it's time to seek out some new loving and supportive people. Not a bad thing to do for any person. Take care.

I do have great friends. And they say that they care about me and do not dislike me. But it's really hard to believe that when they ignore me or are always too occupied with their lives to spend any time talking to me. This is not the only time this has ever happened. It happens SO often. I feel constantly ignored and rejected by them all, even though when I ask, they assure me that they care about me and don't mean to reject me. But their actions tell me something different. And I can't believe what they say when their actions are constantly rejecting.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I also don't hold parties for the same reason. Because things like this always happen. I hate myself for being so awful that no one is willing to tolerate being around me.


The thing is that a part of me can do that. A part of me can and does analyze what I'm thinking and feeling and can see how distorted it is. The problem is that the rest of my mind ignores that part. It doesn't matter whether I can see how illogical it all is. Because a majority of my mind is convinced that it is fact even though I can see how much I am jumping to conclusions.

Okay, this is going to seem pretty callous, but WELCOME TO THE HUMAN RACE, HazelGirl!!!!!! Now that I've said that, know that I totally understand. Analysing, reading self-help or clinical books is pretty standard for all of us with more than a few brain cells who suffer from serious mental illness. I don't know about you, but I always thrived on knowing the literature better than my therapist. And guess what, she admitted freely that I KNEW the literature/terms better than her. What I have failed at is truly grasping what I know intellectually and what I get on a true personal level. I'm guessing that you struggle with the same issues. You read psychological theory and clinical application and you understand. BUT when it comes to applying this to your own issues, you find yourself stumbling and inept. This is pretty normal. Intellectual people attempt to understand through information . . . unfortunately, in social interactions and psychological understanding, this approach rarely works.

I'd suggest talking about all this with your therapist. You need to be honest and forthright about your confusion about these issues when it comes to your own issues. I'm not saying you aren't but I will say for myself, I often try to OUTDO my therapist in the area of understanding the literature and what is going on (and I also try to outdo others in the understanding of what is going on here on the forum! Jeesh, it gets tiring! You post a lot about what you see other people doing--time to concentrate on you, perhaps). Sometimes it's better to take the back seat . . . easier said than done. I sure hope it works out for you because you are obviously a very bright and articulate young woman who has a bright future ahead of her if you can get the help and support you need to make that leap!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Okay, this is going to seem pretty callous, but WELCOME TO THE HUMAN RACE, HazelGirl!!!!!! Now that I've said that, know that I totally understand. Analysing, reading self-help or clinical books is pretty standard for all of us with more than a few brain cells who suffer from serious mental illness. I don't know about you, but I always thrived on knowing the literature better than my therapist. And guess what, she admitted freely that I KNEW the literature/terms better than her. What I have failed at is truly grasping what I know intellectually and what I get on a true personal level. I'm guessing that you struggle with the same issues. You read psychological theory and clinical application and you understand. BUT when it comes to applying this to your own issues, you find yourself stumbling and inept. This is pretty normal. Intellectual people attempt to understand through information . . . unfortunately, in social interactions and psychological understanding, this approach rarely works.

I'd suggest talking about all this with your therapist. You need to be honest and forthright about your confusion about these issues when it comes to your own issues. I'm not saying you aren't but I will say for myself, I often try to OUTDO my therapist in the area of understanding the literature and what is going on (and I also try to outdo others in the understanding of what is going on here on the forum! Jeesh, it gets tiring! You post a lot about what you see other people doing--time to concentrate on you, perhaps). Sometimes it's better to take the back seat . . . easier said than done. I sure hope it works out for you because you are obviously a very bright and articulate young woman who has a bright future ahead of her if you can get the help and support you need to make that leap!

We do talk a lot about this, because it's something I struggle with all the time. I know as much as I do because long before I started therapy, I knew I needed help. So I read everything I could find online about therapy and all the books I could find, thinking that if I studied enough, I could learn what I needed to make the pain go away. Through that, all I learned was that therapy isn't about passing on knowledge, it's about experiencing relationships. So I know a ton, but am still at the beginning stages of knowing how to use that knowledge.