[Ambra]

I know it's silly and that there are worse things in life, but my session has almost come and I'm worried. It seems to me like I have less time than ever.
I decided to hang in and wait the session to discuss termination and distancing the sessions because I wanted to think and then speak to T face to face. I wrote letters, I imagined talking etc. but my biggest fear is that I won't be able to say anything.

I already know she will keep weekly sessions but that's not the point, I don't want her to make me "happy", I need her to understand is that I don't want to have to run for once in my life. With everything else it is ok, I can put up with it. On my path to healing, no, that's too much.
But in real life I often happen to just take whatever comes to not to disappoint others. And my T, I've always trusted her blindly and let her take care of me and last time I had no defenses to react, I was just numb, and now that I don't agree with her I even find myself wondering if she knows better than me and I'm actually just being whiny. So I'm going to have a hard time to explain this.

I really fear wasting my session tomorrow and not fighting for myself once again even though I really want to. But I'm a coward.
So.. can I have some moral support?

Sorry for posting again about it. And thank you.

[Restin]

You certainly have my support, Ambra. The whole subject of termination and dependency is a conflictual place above all others. I think you should follow your deepest feeling, whatever it is. And tell the T as much of what you said in your post as you can. I'm no professional, but I've been in that ambivalent place where you are, where you're afraid to speak out or demand. It sounds like you're not ready to end therapy, or it wouldn't be any problem to come out and say so. Your therapist knows that, too., I'm sure. Try not to ever burn bridges and say things that sound final until you absolutely know you mean it. Growing to the place where you can be outspoken with T and others is part of the therapy process and sounds like you have a way to go yet. That's what I would decide, anyway.

[RTerroni]

Pocket Rider

[harvest moon]

I'm with you.

[RedSun]

I'm in.
Budge up Harvest.

[Ambra]

Thank you I will let you know it goes if anyone's interested. Thanks for your words and support.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I'm with you - sharing my first ever pocket ride!

[ruiner]

Checking in to pocket ride. And yes, tell us how it goes!

[precaryous]

Ill be with you.

[growlycat]

Me too!

[Ambra]

thanks you are all amazing - I'm going there right now

[ThingWithFeathers]

Hope it goes well x

[harvest moon]

Let us know how it went when you are ready..

[Ambra]

Hi, thanks everyone for the support..
I was stuck at work until late evening.. the session didn't go as I had planned, but it went well I would say.
It was hard. I recorded today's session (I told T and she agreed, I also said I would only keep it for myself). I am not putting it here as it's not even in English.
We talked about my distress first, I didn't address the problem directly. I just talked about how distressed I am about my life situation and then went on with how everything has been extremely triggering to me and how scared I was to say it because I feared the bad things would stand out over the progress. And that I always feel like I have to run and there's never enough time to put up with me.

T said that she thought we had already decided last week and that I don't have to be afraid of telling her things because that's what we are there for. And then here is the translation of the talk about the sessions. T said what about my free time next week.

And I went, "look, for me it is ok about the two weeks, I just wanted at least to get it out, that was important. I don't want an extension and have you wait. It's more pressure, really"

and she said "no no no, I told you already, you're not getting *a stupid extension*. Last week I wanted to see how you are and I saw I threw you in pain. I was just waiting for you to tell me what happens there (pointing at the heart) so let's keep it this way and then we will see in the future"

Me: "future like when, more or less? I think I need to know"

"I have no idea. When you feel better than you feel now and I am telling you in advance, because I know you will bring it up again, should your contract end, come and you will pay when you can just like last year. You don't have a safe harbor in life. This is your safe harbor" (well I hope and think this last thing about payment won't happen but it was totally unexpected and made me feel accepted and sheltered)

So I don't know. I'm emotional, a bit embarrassed (AND hearing your own voice recorded is horrible, ugh) but most of all, with that last sentence I feel like I have some stable (?) presence by my side and don't have to fight for anything. I can breathe, the world is not going to fall as soon as I turn away. Don't know if it makes any sense.. Sorry if I might have made a big deal out of nothing. But my life really sucks right now and my safe place means so much to me now. I didn't want to be alone with my demons.

That sounds really difficult. A heavy session.

I feel like your t isn't listening to you properly. Were you trying to get some clarification on termination and actually sort it out? Because she appeared to shut you down and mask it with security, when what you needed was a clear discussion, nothing brushed under the carpet.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

That sounds really difficult. A heavy session.

I feel like your t isn't listening to you properly. Were you trying to get some clarification on termination and actually sort it out? Because she appeared to shut you down and mask it with security, when what you needed was a clear discussion, nothing brushed under the carpet.

i haven't reported the whole conversation. I think she is listening to me because of all the things she does for me. I would say the previous time, she totally didn't get it that I'm not ready but she was connected again last time. I think she genuinely cares but also takes what I say. we actually ran over by 25 minutes because of this conversation and her being so direct I think is a way to show me she really means it (I have always noticed this attitude) and help me since she knows I really struggle asking for anything so I know she does "for me" trying to meet my needs.

actually I feel ok because she looked really happy that I had brought it up so I was wondering if she was testing me. but I liked your feedback also because "insisting" on things is really not something I manage to do since speaking up has always been a huge problem to me. What did you mean by her not listening this time? thanks!