[ThingWithFeathers]

How did you allow yourself to be so vulnerable in asking? How did you find the courage to bring it up? I would like a hug from my t, but could never bring myself to ask her without crying with fear. And I can't risk that level of vulnerability. I wish she would just offer.

[precaryous]

Have you thought about maybe asking how she deals with touch in therapy? What are her boundaries? Have you ever seen her hug another patient?

I brought hugging up this way and my T volunteered that she was a "hugger"...but that she normally goes by what is best for the patient...

So far, we haven't touched. But I've seen her hug other patients "goodbye" in the waiting room.

[mxk564]

With my old T. It was after a tough session, I haven't been hugged in so long so before I left, I handed him the check, and asked for a hug. He said "I don't think I should.." and I left, and he just went up and hugged me.

[Leah123]

He said he did not think he should, and then he did anyway?

With my therapist, I just asked her after a tough session, but in a passive agressive sort of way because I was feeling so vulnerable. She said she would always be happy to give me a hug if I asked directly, and since then we've made it a routine. Our hugs are virtual as we do long distance therapy, but still help.

My last therapist, long ago, I asked her also, but she said no, she didn't hug as a rule. In retrospect, I should've left right then! Her style didn't work for me at all!

[HazelGirl]

I don't remember. I think after a difficult session, my T asked if I was comfortable with a hug, and I said yes. And so we hug at the end of almost every session, whether good or bad. Sometimes, it doesn't happen for whatever reason (sick, just forgot, whatever), but I do find them to be comforting and a good way to end the session.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Have you thought about maybe asking how she deals with touch in therapy? What are her boundaries? Have you ever seen her hug another patient?

She's relaxed about things like contact between sessions, accepting homemade gifts etc., and she has sat next to me on the couch a couple of times - so her boundaries aren't to rigid, but she's also consistent. I've never seen her hug or touch any other client, and she's a trauma specialist so am hesitant to ask. I'm a pretty awkward person at the best of times, I think even just bringing it up might overwhelm me.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't remember. I think after a difficult session, my T asked if I was comfortable with a hug, and I said yes. And so we hug at the end of almost every session, whether good or bad. Sometimes, it doesn't happen for whatever reason (sick, just forgot, whatever), but I do find them to be comforting and a good way to end the session.

That's so nice that you're t offered. Sounds like a relaxed and comfortable arrangement you have. I haven't had a painfully tough (*talking about trauma) session yet, maybe things change then? idk if I'll ask.

I asked T for a hug after a difficult disclosure and I think I was at a point where I felt so so vulnerable already that it couldn't get any worse. Well, he said no and it was utterly horrendous. I really don't think I've felt pain like it. To put myself in that kind of vulnerable position and to be rejected. Yeah, it was awful. T handled it badly, but I do know he had my best interests at heart.
Anyway the rupture and repair that ensued was really healing for me and if anything has actually strengthened our relationship, so some positives have come out of it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

That's so nice that you're t offered. Sounds like a relaxed and comfortable arrangement you have. I haven't had a painfully tough (*talking about trauma) session yet, maybe things change then? idk if I'll ask.

I think it has to do with trust and the relationship you have built (and the one your T is comfortable having).

[ScarletPimpernel]

During my first session with T, I told her hugs are a must. If hugging is a boundary for her, I wouldn't continue with her. She said she was okay with hugs. So I continued to see her. 2 months went by. I was waiting for her to feel comfortable with me to hug me. I thought she would offer. I finally broke down and asked her why she hasn't hugged me yet. She asked me why it was important!?!? After a lot of talking, she told me all I have to do is ask... Of course, I was too afraid that day...lol. But the next week I asked. And now, after every session and sometimes during a difficult session, she hugs me.

[HealingTimes]

I didn't ask. She offered quite a few times and I always said "No, but keep asking because one day I may say yes".

One day, I said yes

We don't hug at every session, just occasionally. She doesn't ask anymore, I do.

I didn't have a choice, basically - it was a now or never thing - just before she moved out of state, I asked for a hug, and was able to ask because I knew it was my last chance. Thankfully she agreed that it would be okay because she was moving, and I got my hug at my last in-person appointment. I haven't seen her in person for 2 years, we've been doing phone appointments ever since. (When I stop and think about it, I am so amazed that even 1300 miles apart, I still feel so deeply connected to her.)

[junkDNA]

he asked if i wanted a hug

I would never ask that. I know he would refuse and that would be difficult for me to bear.

[justanumber]

I can totally relate to this. I agonised for ages over asking my T for a hug. I never managed it - once after a particularly difficult session she observed that I had been hugging myself throughout (I didn't even know I was doing it) and asked if I wanted a hug from her. It felt great. I hope you manage to be braver than I was and ask.

[RTerroni]

I asked my previous therapist for a hug when I was having a hard session but she wouldn't give me one (she did give one at the last session though).

At my final session with another therapist (who I saw for 4 years) I tried to give her a hug at the end of session but she wouldn't give me one (and it still bothers me to this day). I did think about asking at the session before but I think that if I did ask and she told me that she didn't give them I probably would have just said let's end it now and not even meet next week.

[Virginia1991]

Yes, but I couldn't do it to her face. My t allows emails and texts so I asked her via email if it was an ok thing to ask for. She replied back yes. Even after knowing her answer it took a long time for me to ask. She asked the first few times after hard sessions if I wanted a hug and I would say yes. Then finally after a few months I asked for it myself. It took me months to ask even though I knew her answer would be yes so there is no way that I could have asked without knowing her answer first.

I did the same sort of thing when I wanted to know if she would sometimes sit next to me. That didn't turn out quite so well. She kind of said no but then has done it like 4x so it left me confused as to whether or not it is something I can ask for.

The good thing is my strong needs for this from my t helped me take a close look at myself. I did a lot of research and found a "healing touch" practitioner that helps me through reiki therapy. I say go for it and ask. My t says it is ok to ask for what you want. Your t could say no but there are many t's and many alternative therapies where people will meet this need.

[nottrustin]

I never asked and never would have. I cannot approach people for a hug because I am always afraid that they may not want a hug. I can't ask them for one because I am afraid of making them uncomfortable and putting them on the spot. If a person approaches me for a hug (people that I am comfortable with obviously) I LOVE the hugs...

T started asking me during some difficult sessions. She would ask if she could give me a hug and I always said yes. After a while she stopped asking and we hug at the end of pretty much every session. Even this week when I was sick with a cold she approached me and I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do that because of my cold..she said yes because she was fighting the cold this week as well so she was already contaminated...

[justdesserts]

My therapist initially said he would like to hug me if it were ethical, but... then a few months later after many more difficult sessions he asked for a hug. Since then, we do a half hug/half handshake thing unless I ask for a "real hug." He thinks physical contact should be initiated by the client.

[ScarletPimpernel]

There are ways to ask for a hug w/o directly asking.

Some mentioned email/texts.

With my Pdoc, I asked her if hugs were a boundary for her. I figured if she said it was a boundary, I would take it less personally than if I asked her directly for a hug. Thankfully, she said hugs are okay...and she's one of those intimidating women who rarely show emotions.

When I stayed at a crisis house earlier this year, there was a no touch policy. I really connected with one of the counselors there. I knew better than to ask for a hug. But during one of our sessions, I told her if it wasn't a rule I would want a hug from her. During our last session, she asked me if I still wanted a hug! She broke the rule for me.

Ask yourself what would hurt more: being told no to hugs OR never asking and possibly missing out on many hugs?

[ruiner]

I was in a really really rough spot like a month ago, and I was in my car crying while on the phone with T. (in a parking lot, I wasn't driving.. just fyi ha) Anyways, I guess she could tell how hurt I was (kind of hard not to, honestly) and said, "I wish I could give you a hug." So, next time I saw her after group I asked for that hug. Even knowing it would be okay, asking her was still hard. Now she asks, usually after a tough session.

I wouldnt want a hug. I cant let people touch me. Touching is wrong.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Ask yourself what would hurt more: being told no to hugs OR never asking and possibly missing out on many hugs?

This is a great point. The answer to that question will be different for different people, but by asking ourselves that it's easier to work out what is the best thing to do for us - nobody else can know that, we have to figure it out for ourselves.

[TheWell]

My group T offered the first time. It was on my birthday and he asked if he could give me a hug for my birthday now I occasionally ask him for a hug. After that one time it's always been initiated by me. Before the birthday hug he would occasionally pat me on the arm or back and I told him that I liked when he did that.

My one on one T has never hugged me. He's never touched me in any way. I'm worried he would say no and I would feel rejected so I don't ask. I wish I could hug him though.

[musinglizzy]

I never asked her for a hug. I probably blew her away by giving her one after our very first session. I see her twice a week now, and not one session goes by without a hug at the end. Long hugs, rubbing my back, talking to me, rocking me..... it helps me get out of there trying to leave the pain within that room.