[Tongalee]

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like sobbing and I want my t, but at the same time I never want to see her again.

I had a terrible night last night. I have this recurrent dream, which is actually more of a flashback, where I'm little again and locked in a room with my abusers. I'm being held onto the bed and not safe. This dream always really upsets me, but last night took it to a new level of hell for me. As bad things were starting to happen, my t bursts in door. I could feel myself get so overwhelmed with happiness that some one was there to help me, I started crying and calling for t to help me. To my surprise and beyond belief disappointment, my t started laughing at me and left the room. The dream continued as it always does until I woke myself up in a sweat. My bed was soaked and I was so shaken that I couldn't move for almost an hour. I went about my day and tried not to think about it, but I have t tomorrow and am feeling truly terrified and heart broken.

Had any one ever had a dream similar, or where their t was hurting then? Please tell me I'm not alone in this, please. What do I say to my t? How do I even walk in that room again, see her face again?

[SnakeCharmer]

Tongalee, your dream expresses a very real fear that many other posters have said they experience in their waking life. If they tell their T about the abuse or SI or Sui thoughts or about the darkness they feel, they worry their T will abandon them, reject them, hate them, not take them seriously or treat them in some other insensitive way.

This fear is expressed in different ways by different posters and there are several threads that are active now or have been in the last few days where posters have said they can't tell their T or face their T or don't know what to say or they think their T hates them or is disgusted by them or doesn't take them seriously.

It sounds as if your dream was expressing a similar fear. If you allow your T to see your trauma, you're afraid that T's reaction will be devastating.

It was a dream. Not waking life. Experienced therapists know their patients have many fears around doing trauma work, including fears that their T will not be able to help them. It's all right to tell T about your dream. It was your unconscious mind expressing your very real fears, maybe fears you find it hard to express consciously. It's all right. Dozens of other posters here at Psych Central have the same fears.

I wish you the best and hope you can look your T in the eye and say, "I want to tell you about a really upsetting dream."

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like sobbing and I want my t, but at the same time I never want to see her again.

I had a terrible night last night. I have this recurrent dream, which is actually more of a flashback, where I'm little again and locked in a room with my abusers. I'm being held onto the bed and not safe. This dream always really upsets me, but last night took it to a new level of hell for me. As bad things were starting to happen, my t bursts in door. I could feel myself get so overwhelmed with happiness that some one was there to help me, I started crying and calling for t to help me. To my surprise and beyond belief disappointment, my t started laughing at me and left the room. The dream continued as it always does until I woke myself up in a sweat. My bed was soaked and I was so shaken that I couldn't move for almost an hour. I went about my day and tried not to think about it, but I have t tomorrow and am feeling truly terrified and heart broken.

Had any one ever had a dream similar, or where their t was hurting then? Please tell me I'm not alone in this, please. What do I say to my t? How do I even walk in that room again, see her face again?

I have seen dreams like this posted here before. Perhaps it reflects the realisation that your T cannot change history. T wasn't there for you back then, and your subconscious feels betrayed by that.

[JaneC]

Gosh yes! I had a horrible dream which I don't want to repeat here, but towards the end I arrived at my therapists office for support and I was so relieved. He then changed in front of me, grew a beard etc, and began to smile at what I was saying.

He got up and went and opened a door and told me to go on through, everything would be ok. I went through and found myself in a scene from a psych hospital but in a horror movie. I was terrified and begged my therapist to save me............he just laughed and laughed and pointed and laughed at me.

It was awful! I eventually told my therapist and he was horrified by it also. He doesn't do dream work, but he asked me what I thought it meant.

Shame, abandonment, fear of what I might say being judged etc......

Tongalee.....I think dreams are out brains way of trying to work through things. Sorry you had such an awful one though.

[iheartjacques]

They're pretty bad dreams I hope things get better for you

[RedSun]

Awwww Tongalee
Hugs!
Can you email your t maybe and just say you had a horrid dream about her, and you are struggling with how you'll react when you see her? Then you won't need to explain your reaction to her.
I had a dream once that t had her throat cut but was fine, and asked me if my heart rate was rising (err yes!) then I woke up in a panic attack

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you had such an unsettling nightmare. That must have been really hard to wake to.
I tend to agree that dreams can manifestations of fears or thought processes we can't seem to put together while awake.
One thing to keep in mind is that it was just a dream. It wasn't reality. T didn't actually do any of the things you dreamt about.
Give her a call or send her an email and let her know the dream disturbed you (as suggested above).

[Tongalee]

Thanks All! I had session today, and it was pretty rough. I really didn't want to see her face let alone have a therapy session with her. I ended up letting her know about the dream and was not surprised when I then started to dissociate. I can't remember anything towards the end of my session, and am really not clear about the majority of my day :/ I hate that dissociated feeling where you can feel yourself slipping, and hear her talking, but there's nothing that you can do about the inability to say anything back. She sounded so far away, she felt so far away and that hurt even more than the dream. Now I'm stuck for the weekend feeling like I want to be close to her, in that room. I'm just confused about what I want and how I feel towards her and therapy in general. Sorry, I'm sure this doesn't make any sense, but you guys have been great to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. My appreciation goes out to all of you.