How do you not take cancellations personal?????

I have read enough posts now to realize that many of you relate to your T in a way that is sadly to similar to me. When I began this a few months ago, I had hoped maybe my T could help me find some happiness. He believes I have PTSD but before we began working on that, he started changing things a bit. I did ask him if he changed his mind about the PTSD but he said that I was to far out of sync with how I look at myself compared to others to begin anything hard (I am assuming that meant self-esteem which I know is a HUGE issue).
The problem is that I NEVER meant to 'need' him and I have found myself getting through each day's stressors by telling myself to hang on until my appt and I can talk to him (we meet twice a week). I don't need people, it is not safe as many of you know. I am the one that others need and that is the way it should be. This is REALLY making things hard on me to need him.
He has had several things come up lately that has caused a need to reschedule or cancel appointments and each one makes me want to burst into tears. I also spend so much time now trying to decide if it is really a desire to NOT have to deal with me. I also find myself imagining him leaving or getting upset with me and I have true pain just from my thoughts.
Help, just how out of whack am I and how do you that understand this deal with cancellations?
I know many will say "tell you T about this". I can't bring myself to do it for two big reasons. 1. He might feel bad if he knows how much I needed him and it hurt to have him cancel or change when I feel like I survive each day until our appointment. 2. If he realizes that I 'need' him and tells me it is inappropriate, I will fall apart (I do with just my own imagination). HEEEEELP!!!!!!

I finally had to crack down and tell him how upset I became by schedule changes. He was much more understanding about it than I was! I thought I was a lunatic, it seemed way more acceptable to him!

Then I felt like the lunatic who needed to be told carefully about changes. He became much more careful to get me re-scheduled within the same week when possible. I felt like the biggest whiny annoyance. But then I realized that hey, at least I was getting a better schedule, and he seemed fine with it, so maybe I could try to be fine with it too. I am still working on this.

It's hard, lt ....I think it's a good idea to talk about it, but I understand the fears you mentioned of the possibility your T might disapprove. One time my T cancelled on me. One time in 1.5 years....and I cried by myself. Literally. And I knew I was reacting strangely and that it wasn't a big deal so what was up with my reaction? And my T had even offered me an extra session the following week and I said no, I don't need it and then I freaked out that I should've accepted it "so what should I do now??" All the while, I'm watching myself like wth are you doing?! He's just a T!...ugh.

One thing I'm starting to really grasp, not just intellectually but starting to emotionally, is that this stuff is truly from the past....well, I believe for me it is. I hope to work through it in time....

Yes, pbutton! I had a similar experience with letting my T know how his first vacation affected me. And then from that point on he was always super careful to give me more notice. He was always so aware....I hated it But I also thought it was sweet. So conflicted! I like what you said there about him seeming fine with it , so maybe you could try to be fine with it, too. I think I need to work on this as well.

He does almost always schedule me for the next day or 2 at the latest (I know I am bawling where many people don't see their T for a month). My biggest fear is how dependent I feel I have become on him and how wrong i know that is but it doesn't matter. All I can do it keep thinking about how he doesn't really understand but at the same time I go out of my way to make sure he knows it is ok to cancel or change my appointment ANYTIME!!!! How crazy is that. I ENCOURAGE him to change me whenever and for whatever, but then it kills me when he does. Geeeesh, no wonder I am in therapy ;(

OMG, a million times this. So very much this.

My T canceled our last session before Christmas. She had a family emergency. I was so hurt. But I felt selfish. Her she was having to spend Christmas worrying about a family member in the hospital, and I was upset that I didn't get to see her. I kept my emotions in, and did my best to be patient and understanding.

She said she would call me the day after Christmas...she forgot. I panicked. I thought something terrible happened to her or to her family member. I emailed her. She responded the next day and I told to email her as much as I needed. And I did. I let it all out.

Over the next few weeks, we talked about everything. She told me my feelings were valid and I wasn't being selfish or disrespectful.

I don't know how I'm going to cope when it happens in the future, but I know everything will be okay.

It does help to hear that most of your T's understand what is going on. This is even worse for me because my T is a man and my husband has some significant issue himself and has already verbally attacked my T because he tried to say we were having and 'emotional affair'. I am SOOOOOO scared that if I did try to tell my T what is going on that he might take it sexual (it is not, I don't even have that issue with my husband or have with anyone..... more issues for therapy, I know) or I am afraid that my T will be worried about my husband getting mad again.

I want to tell him SOOOOO bad and have him tell me it is ok, but there are so many variables that could blow up in my face. I want him to care so badly, but I know it is so wrong and just don't know how to live with all of this.

I am also terrified there is a slight chance my T could read posts and he would KNOW without a shadow of a doubt it was me if he read these and I would feel so bad for him and me!!!

What is so wrong about you wanting him to care?

My t schedules me 3 in advance in 6 months she was out once. Which is good except that meant I waited a month to see her because of a damn schedule problem.

T1 was canceling often because of her sick kids , I mean like I saw her weekly and for the first 5 months she cancelled 11 times , and late 8 times.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't take it personally because I don't think clients matter enough for the woman to cancel at me. When I cancel appointments with students or my own clients it is not at them.

Well Freewilled, it is several things I think.

My track record with people caring is NOT good. I don't want to take on the pitty party poor me routine, but it is true that I have not had one person care without a string attached or some payoff required later. The sad thing, even now, is I will gladly pay the price still if he would really care. I know I actually do pay, although he even lowered our rates to make sure we could afford to come. It is bad enough to have to pay to have someone care.
Then there is my husband who said that I was going against God by confiding things in my T that I was not telling my husband. Weeeeell, he is correct there. My husband is NOT a safe person to tell things to. I think he is the reason this stuff that has gone on all my life has set me off now.
Lastly, I know I have a self-esteem issue. I wont pretend I don't. It is really bad. I have told my T that I want to be better, I want to be happy, I want to feel ok,,,,, but a huge part of my doesn't. It is like I shouldn't have those things, they were never ment for me. The same with someone caring. That is for other people, not me.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW...... these are the exact conversations I need to have with my T. But above everything I just wrote above, the fear of his response is WAAAAAAAAY more terrifying then want I am dealing with now. My biggest concern is that as bad as it is only a few months in now, what is it going to be like in several more months if I am even more 'needy' and I finally say something and it blows up in my face.

I don't know.............................

I understand because I have similar fears and life experiences - even with my h, to a degree. My T told me I have to take a risk.....every time I've tried to be brave, my T has pretty much met me there with care and compassion or whatever it was that I needed at the moment. I still struggle to keep the trust going though It really is difficult, but I think it's pretty cool how open and honest you can be in your struggles and feelings on here. Hopefully, over time you'll be able to open up more with your T so you feel good about it and better about yourself

Yes, I noticed myself that I have started saying things on here the last couple of weeks. It started with some questions I needed answers to that I couldn't find anywhere else and just started seeing how open everyone was. I guess nobody knowing who is who makes a huge difference. Since my T has had to cancel and reschedule twice in the last week, it has kinda send me deeper into whatever this is and I did find myself running here.

Thanks to all of you for being so open about yourselves here. If not, I sure wouldn't have been.

I find needing to re-schedule frequently unprofessional. In 4 years my therapist hasn't cancelled or re-scheduled once. So I wouldn't take it personally, but I wouldn't put with it, either.

Cancellations ARE a big deal. Therapy is most successful when it reliably happens at the same time each week, and it is only natural to react to schedule changes.

Are the reasons good ones? My T has rescheduled twice in two years, once because he had a vomiting bug and once for a funeral. With the latter I told him I briefly imagined he deliberately organised the funeral on my therapy day as my session was the least important. I thought my T would tell me off for being selfish but he said "Oh yes and of course I murdered the person specially so there would be a funeral!" and told me it was really good I could share that.

Oh, please don't get me wrong. I am not upset with HIM about the changes. I never expect anyone to be perfect and life just happens. I do want him to feel that it is ok to make changes as he needs to. So many people make life hard on others and I don't want him to worry about needing to make changes.
It is not his changes that are my problem.... no,no,no... He is a GREAT guy and the only T I have ever felt any trust toward. It is MY reaction that is causing me such a problem. The worst part is that he would be the one to talk to about the problem but he is the one I can NOT talk to about the problem because it is about him and by saying something he might feel bad about the changes (which is the opposite of what I want) or might tell me that I have to 'deal'.
Please don't misunderstand this as being upset with him about the changes. We all have our 'things' and timing is his. I wouldn't trade him for anything even if he had to change something every week. I would have to force myself to talk to him or I would be a basket case though... LOL

My previous therapist had to cancel on me a few times and three times I showed up and she simply wasn't there. I actually cried the first time it happened. It can feel very emotional to be "stood up" by your therapist. I would say I'm a passive person and confrontation is very hard for me, but after the third time I did confront her simply because I couldn't take it any more. I explained how it made me feel to be looking forward to these appointments and have them cancelled last minute, especially since I had never cancelled on her EVER. It stopped happening after that. I also came to understand that the problem was that she was just disorganized and would forget about the appointments. Still unacceptable, but it made me feel less rejected.

You need to talk to him about this stuff, not because he's doing anything wrong but that's just therapy right there. Tell him how you feel, it goes back to something else, it's not him canceling, he won't be mad, in fact he'll probably be shocked and delighted you can be honest.

My T has never cancelled on me but we have rescheduled, or she has told me that certain timings are not available because she's seeing someone else. This is perfectly reasonable yet I still get kind of hurt that I don't come first in her life. Of course I don't, silly me. How could I? I don't expect to in the slightest bit though it doesn't stop my childish sulking.

However I have never conveyed this disappointment to her because I would die of embarrassment if she knew how much I needed her to get through each week. I never let anyone see me that way, ever. When I get these texts (or any from her) I carefully craft my reply to sound nonchalant and "whatever-I-can-live-without-you" and this couldn't be any further from the truth.

I don't think your T will tell you it's inappropriate you need him. It's very normal! He might want to explore why you feel this way though and try to help you develop other coping mechanisms which is the point of therapy. (advice I should be taking myself except there's no point since I'm on my last few sessions) I guess I keep sane because logically I know it's nothing personal though there's this little voice that argues otherwise. Luckily I am able to listen to the former more often than not!

Petra5ed, I KNOW I need to tell him, but I am way to terrified of what could happen. Beyond just his reaction and response, I could risk messing up what he thinks right now and the future of things. I want to SOOOOO badly, but I just can't make myself do it. I wish I could!

My T canceled on me a few times in our time together. Now I'm really paranoid it's going to happen again. I don't know what I would do. The only reason she's ever canceled is because her kids were sick, and it's that time of year again. Ahh I'm so paranoid.

She never cancelled until a loved one ended up in the hospital. The first cancellation wasn't a problem since she explained why. When she returned to work I was given another appointment. About 5 days later I learned that appointment had to be cancelled. I was upset, because of the wording in her email. If she didn't use the word "planned" it would have been a lot easier to accept. It also didn't help that I had an urgent medication problem. She gave me another appointment when she returned. Shortly after that she sent me an email that I feared was another cancellation, but it wasn't. She just asked me to show up 45 minutes earlier since "someone bumped her schedule". In my reply I added this: "No more changes. I don't like all these changes/cancellations. It makes me feel unimportant, not worthy of your services, boring and difficult. " She replied with this: "I am very aware of all this, and don`t worry, I take it all into serious consideration, but I cannot control everything and I am only human myself." I really appreciated that reply.

I also sent this to her: "I feel like you are ignoring me or shrugging me off like I don't matter. Do I need to be acutely psychotic for you to take me seriously? Do I need to live on the street? Be on a CTO? Do I need to do drugs and start prostituting myself? What do I have to do to be heard?"

At my last appointment we discussed how the cancellations made me feel. They brought up a lot of old feelings. Psychiatry and therapists used to ignore me because I was misdiagnosed with a disorder most of them didn't want to deal with. I remembered feeling very ignored and diseased to them. It also brought up the old urges to compare myself with other clients.

As long as I get an explanation and the cancellations don't occur regularly then I'm okay. I understand unpredictable events happen in life.

I hope she doesn't read this forum. If she does she will recognize me since I posted actual email content.

I've been in therapy for 20 years and my doctors/therapists have only rescheduled on me twice. Weird.

I don't know how not to take things personally!