Was I abused & if so should I bring that up?

Anything you think, feel, want, dream or are concerned about is relevant to your therapy work. The events don't need to be factual, don't need to be proven to be relevant to your therapy. If it's on your mind, it's relevant and it's important. It's up to you to talk about it or not, but if you don't talk about it, you'd be wasting your time in therapy IMO. Therapy is not a police investigation that is designed to establish facts. Its purpose is to sort out your thoughts and feelings about anything, whether it is "real" or not, to construct meaning out of this exploration and to help you get a clearer sense of self, your situation and your life goals.

Thanks ididitmyway, I've got a long holiday break away from T now so that should give me some time to decide whether I want to disclose and explore. I certainly don't want to waste my time in therapy, I've told myself that I'm going to try and get the maximum benefit from it this time round. I have spoken about things with her that I've never discussed with anyone eles, even close friends and so I do trust her, though I don't know if I could stand how vulnerable I'd feel if I brought this stuff up. I don't want her to feel that it's a big deal, she has a tendancy to show real emotion when I talk about some of the things which have happened to me and I don't feel that way about them, yeah they're not great, but everyone has a sob story and I refuse to be looked at like a victim if I can control that.

Thank you for your words they've been very helpful. x

You are most welcome You are not a victim no matter what your history was. Our victimhood is not defined by how much abuse we have experienced. It's defined by whether we are committed to healing the trauma and turning our life around. Having been victimized doesn't mean you should or you will live your life like a victim. Those who live like victims never take responsibility for anything. They are incapable of any self-reflection and self-awareness. They don't want to own their issues and project them on others instead. If you encounter someone who never says that they regret something they've done or acknowledge their mistakes, THAT's a victim. You certainly don't sound like one.

As you know, none of us can know what did-- or did not-- happen to you as a child.

I will only add that I have dealt with many of the physical symptoms you describe, and I was not sexually abused as a child. I suffered other kinds of abuse and neglect, but nothing sexual. I'm also a lesbian and have never had penetration-- ever-- and my hymen was broken by the time I went to the gynecologist for the first time in my early teens. There was no "incident" involved-- I did not go horseback riding, or play aggressive sports, or anything like that. The doctor explained to me that your hymen can simply deteriorate on its own-- which is what happened in my case. I also have the same issues around tightness/pain-- why? I have no idea. Luckily for me, as a lesbian, it's not a real problem. I suppose I just wanted to say that the physical symptoms can simply be the result of biology-- and can occur without trauma. The feelings of disgust, on the other hand, are psychological. However, they could be due to any number of factors. It may help to explore with your T when you first remember having these feelings and if they are related to anything you do remember like body image, negative comments from family/friends about sex, appearance, morality, etc-- or any verbal or physical abuse or neglect that you do remember. I recognize that it is also possible that there was sexual abuse-- but it may be more helpful to begin by exploring the things you KNoW happened and looking there first.

I would be very wary about the phenomenon of false memories. It is very easy to wonder if something happened and then become suggestible to leading questions from the therapist. My cousin experienced false memories-- at her therapist's suggestion-- and it tore out family apart. She went to a mandated therapist without much experience and the therapist told her that she must have the symptoms she does because she was sexually abused. She said she was not, but the therapist told her she must have been and started suggesting things that may have happened. She started to believe the therapist, and then started accusing a bunch of family members. She eventually realized that the memories never really happened, but it was a horrible experience-- for her and our family. While not knowing is incredibly difficult, I think it might be better to focus on what you do remember and on the symptoms themselves than to go "digging" for memories. If they begin to surface on their own, that's one thing. But I think digging for them might be more likely to lead to false memories than actual retieval.

I wish you the best of luck.

After reading that statement mindfulmoment I'm worried you will be rushing and pushing certain thought processes without giving yourself time to properly explore, if your OCD is really causing you to have so many questions answered maybe slow down and follow where your feelings lead. some weeks you will feel great others not so. There is also the possibility that if you don't really look at an issue indepth whatever it may be, due to your time limit these issues will just resurface until you deal with them.

Just my two cents worth, I wish you luck and clarity for the new year

Tee

Thank you for your response. There is a bit of a history of emotional and physical abuse which may also be causing these feelings. I think maybe telling my T about these to begin with may be any easier way to ease into things and if I feel confident enough to tell her my suspicions I will. I'm hoping it is possible to heal from whatever it was even though I don't remember.


Thanks Teepee, I'm just a bit fed up of being in therapy. I want to get things sorted and move on with my life, although I take your point, slowing down and leaving time for exploration may be a more healthy approach.