[nottrustin]

Does you therapist ever apologize for things that she has no control over? How do you handle it?

Sometimes my therapist will and I really don't know how to handle it. For instance, my husband will be having surgery in a couple of weeks and will be out of work for a minimum of 6 weeks but it could be up to 4 months. Having it at Christmas is hard but I am use to it. Last year he was laid off for a couple of weeks around Christmas time. The year before he had been out of work due to another injury. Unfortunately, I have gotten use to him being out of work. So this week T asked what was happening with his surgery so I updated her. Then she said "I am really sorry you are going through this" I didn't really know how to respond other than to say we will be okay and it is what it is.

She told me she knows I am use to it but she still is sorry that it is happening because it is so stressful for me..

[kororain]

Mine only says she's sorry when she's being sarcastic. Like, "I'm sorry you think that," or "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I think yours is just trying to be empathetic though. She's not apologizing because it's her fault, but because she wants you to know she knows its stressful and she feels that with you.

[roimata]

Her favorite activity is apologizing for things she isn't accountable for

She's always saying "I'm sorry you're having to deal with that/that's a lot to deal with/that's hard/etc" Come to think of it, my usual response is also "it is what it is" or "uhh it's not your fault ?" or some variation of

I guess she says it to validate something, not sure what it is though. I should look for a pull-string on her back next time

[Wren_]

sometimes people use sorry to mean they are sad/upset/feeling grief about a situation more than that they are apologising for ... i take it more as an expression of care when it gets used like that

[Depletion]

I think that is just a vernacular thing. Where I live people say that all the time, but they just mean I have sympathy that you are going through X, I see that would be an upsetting thing to go through, etc.

[HazelGirl]

I think it's just because that's what people say to others when something goes wrong. You have cancer? I'm sorry about that. Your dog died? Oh, I'm sorry. It gives them something to say that isn't too awkward, is socially acceptable, and conveys their sorrow for you.

[StressedMess]

Wow I write I'm sorry in nearly every post, I say I'm sorry a million times a day. I even say "excuse me, I'm sorry" when someone steps into my path and I practically trample them.

Now I want to apologize for offending people but I don't want to see the words again.

[stopdog]

I would not consider such an apology. More like a badly worded expression trying to help or sarcastic false apology.

[QUOTE=nottrustin;4053622]Does you therapist ever apologize for things that she has no control over? How do you handle it?

Sometimes my therapist will and I really don't know how to handle it.. . . QUOTE]

I do understand the confusion over this kind of statement from therapists and other people in our lives. It took me a while to figure it out for myself. This is what I came up with. I was raised in a family that wasn't very much in touch with emotions. The most important and valued thing in my family was that you were independent, strong and self-reliant. It was the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of mentality. Crying, whining, sadness etc. was not condoned under any circumstance, not matter what age you were.

I think that when people (therapists included) make a statement like, "I'm sorry that happened to you?" or "I'm sorry you have to go through this again." etc. they are actually trying to convey empathy for the difficulties I'm experiencing. They are attempting to draw closer to me to let me know that they hear and are really trying to grasp/understand the emotional things I'm wrestling with in my inner life. For me, that is an unfamiliar, strange and uncomfortable statement for me to hear because my family of origin was adamant that I be independent, self-reliant and unemotional about difficult personal situations. I'm suppose to have a stiff upper lip and not try to pull others into my circle of emotional pain or discomfort. (Which is rather an amusing self-script to be dealing with considering I'm in therapy to purposefully include someone else in my emotional life )

In any case, what I'm trying to say is that if we are unfamiliar with empathy and a willingness of someone else to enter our circle of emotional pain or we've been trained to push someone away when they attempt to reach out to us emotionally because we believe we have to deal with it ourselves, then such statements and actions are going to confuse us and in my case, cause me a great deal of anxiety. Like you, I constantly say, "It is what it is." And that's because in my world, it is, what it is because I alone feel that I have to deal with it. At the moment, I'm trying to learn that life and life's problems don't have to be a solo journey, that it's okay to open up to another person and allow them to share it with me or at least, help me deal with it more effectively. Not sure if that's what's going on for you, but I wanted to share how I've begun to see things.

[StressedMess]

I'm suppose to have a stiff upper lip and not try to pull others into my circle of emotional pain or discomfort. (Which is rather an amusing self-script to be dealing with considering I'm in therapy to purposefully include someone else in my emotional life )

Jaybird, why is it the very thing we set out to do in therapy is the thing we are most resistant to? I know I need to a.b.c. but it's really hard for me to a.b.c. because of the way I was raised. Therapy is supposed to help me be better at a.b.c. but it's really really hard to do!

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Jaybird, why is it the very thing we set out to do in therapy is the thing we are most resistant to? I know I need to a.b.c. but it's really hard for me to a.b.c. because of the way I was raised. Therapy is supposed to help me be better at a.b.c. but it's really really hard to do!

Boy can I agree with that conundrum, StressedMess! I think that for myself, therapy has been a go, stop, go journey. When I first entered therapy, what I needed was stabilization. I needed someone to help me get back my sanity and feel confident enough to continue functioning and living . . .After all, I needed to support myself financially and needed to function in the real world in order to do that. It really wasn't the time to do a lot of deep self-exploration or analysis, no matter how much I wanted to do that at the time. I needed to learn skills to function and then, when I could function, I stopped therapy for a while.

Then I reached another stumbling block in my life and needed to enter therapy again to, as you say, learn how to do a.b.c. , something I wasn't ready for the first time. Now that my life stresses are a little less or maybe focused in another area is a better way to describe it because I'm still "stressed, I find that I can take the time to really examine my emotional reaction to a.b.c. I can't say enough good things about DBT. I didn't live in an area that provided DBT skills, but I dug in and learned them myself. I practiced them religiously . . . failed at them quite a bit, but got back onto the horse and used them some more. Because I learned them, I feel as though I'm better able to dig into the hard stuff, my biggest stumbling block--avoidance attachment style. So using those skills and getting back into therapy is my focus now.

I've learned to recognize that how I relate to people on an intimate level is to avoid personal relationships (my biggest a.b.c. issue). I'm fine in a work environment; in fact, most people never even recognize my avoidance because I have such a good "work persona." But I want to change my style at least a little because I've begun to recognize that it causes me personal pain in the long run. I can't say I'm not still "resistant" to changing, but I have a good, patient relational therapist and I'm trying! Guess we just have to keep plugging along.