[jexa]

I'm overwhelmed.

The one thing in my life that is destabilizing, is an unstable relationship with a T.

Nothing gets me like this. I was more desperate and frantic after my last T left than I was after a breakup of a three-year relationship.

I've been feeling pretty upset with my therapist about her way of treating me. I'm fine with T's having suggestions and advice, but being directed, confronted, and provided too much suggestion about how I probably think and feel is something I just don't like. Especially when those reflections are inaccurate, I start to feel unheard and then resentful. Or when the confrontation is about the wrong issue, I just feel a quiet rage which I then suppress. This has been building up for a while, and I can't tell if she's getting worse or I'm just losing tolerance for it, but I can't stand it anymore.

I told her about this last session, and I was really as open as I could be while maintaining at least some composure, and I still don't like the way she handled it. When I'm defensive, what I need is kindness more than anything else. And I feel like although we talked this issue out somewhat, I'm still not feeling connection or empathy from her. She suggested that we might consider a different therapist for me and it's.. terrifying.

I've been thinking about this non-stop, ruminating, I mean, seriously all the time. I see her tomorrow.

Has anyone ever left a T before? Am I alone here? Does this even sound salvageable?

It sounds salvagable to me - a T should be able to adapt. I'm surprised she suggeted a different T instead of adapting and finding a way to be more gentle.

[RTerroni]

I hope that you can work things out with this Therapist but if you have to leave and see someone else than do what you think is best.

[missbella]

There's a school of therapy, Gestalt, practiced around confrontation, a 1970s Essalen/encounter group thing. And other therapists, who see Dr. Phil as their oracle, imitate his technique.

You honestly spoke up that style wasn't for you, and you say your therapist didn't react well. I think its perfectly legitimate to ask a therapist what she's doing and why.

I personally don't find confrontation "good for me." I find authoritarianism diminishes me and doesn't encourage my autonomy.

I also believe that therapy should be reducing drama, not contributing to it. Worrying overtime about therapy is adding problems to problems.

Some people, including therapists, have a limited toolbox. They won't change-- because they can't.

Originally Posted by jexa

I told her about this last session, and I was really as open as I could be while maintaining at least some composure, and I still don't like the way she handled it.

Like you, I worked with two other excellent therapists. The first retired after we were together for about a year and a half. She referred me to her partner and I gave it a shot but left after about two or three months. Nice guy but there was no comfortable connection between us. I was in the midst of a very deep depression and knew I needed to find a new therapist. I had two or three sessions with three other therapists and knew pretty quickly that the connection wasn't right. On the fourth try, I found my second therapist and worked with her for two to two and half years. She was excellent and I was very sad to leave her, but life circumstances lead to me having to move across the country to care for elderly parents.

When I arrived out west, I started looking for a new therapist. It has taken me almost a YEAR to find a new therapist that I feel that I can work with. I almost gave up and thought that there wasn't something seriously wrong with me and that I'd never be able to feel a connection with a therapist again. I did "try out" sessions with, get this, TEN different therapist before I settled on my current therapist. The try out sessions were usually two or three sessions, and a few were one . . . and one I wanted to seriously walk out of but held my tongue, was polite and stated I wasn't interested in scheduling another appointment.

Some of the one's I saw were too quick to decide what "my" goals in therapy needed to be, one wanted to tell me all about her personal life (including every illness and mistreatment she had ever experienced at the hands of medical professionals and how "angels" have saved her life, one wanted to start EMRD sessions as soon as the next session after meeting me once, one wanted me to "pick out a journal" from a pile of new books to immediately start my gratitude journal (I JUST met her and wasn't ready to talk about gratitude yet! LOL), one immediately (after me talking for six minutes about my current issues--I'm serious, just six minutes--I looked at my watch) wanted to tell me what was wrong with me and how she was going to break down my defenses and get to the seat of my problems and then build me back up again--no thanks!, and a few were just too stiff and humorless.

I was about to give up when I decided to make one more phone call. I stepped into my current's therapist's office and just knew she was the right one. She listens intently, has a wonderful sense of humor but doesn't let me use humor to avoid what we're talking about, holds good boundaries, is gentle but persistent, doesn't avoid talking about the "relationship" and where it currently is for me and lets me know how it's going for her, and she never seems overwhelmed, in a rush or surprised or shocked by what I want to talk about. Oh, and she's got grey hair which means a lot to me because I did NOT want to see someone younger than me who had no idea what life was like at my age. In other words, she's got a lived in body and she's comfortable with it

If you're not feeling heard, I'd encourage you to give a few other therapists a try. I especially think this is true if you've given her feedback on her style and her response is that you might want another therapist. I know that if I said that to my current therapist, she would listen to my feedback, tell me that she understood or ask for clarification and then she'd work to be more responsive. Best of all, she'd check in with me on a regular basis to see if the changes were working for me. Some therapist are willing to change their style to fit the client's needs rather than expect the client to fit their style or move on. What you're asking for is really not that unreasonable. Hope whatever you decide works out!

[jexa]

Thanks everyone. I actually went to see T and told her even more about my concerns, and I broke down and just sobbed this time talking to her about it. And good and bad came out of that. We resolved our issue.. She was finally gentle. She sat with me as I just sobbed and she didn't fight with me, but we just sat together in the sadness.

As my sadness dissipated, she said she had to tell me something. She just found out that her husband got a job across the country. She is closing her practice.

Sigh.

So, we resolved our issue, but it's still time for me to find a new T. I feel shaky and unstable about the whole thing, fearing that I'm on the edge of breaking down if just one more thing becomes uncertain in my life. At the same time, I'm so glad T and I are ok. And there is a kind of excitement about what it might be like to work with someone new.

While there are positives, today I mostly feel devastated at the loss, and fearful for my mental health in the transition process. Feeling really scared right now.

So sorry she is moving on. I think that T's should commit to live in one place if they are going to take up this profession - I think they should commit to doing long term work with people. I don't know if this sounds harsh, but it's not about short term work.

[missbella]

Jexa, you seem very clear headed about how she interacted with you and how you responded to it. I don't find battling, confrontation, bossiness, invalidation or one-upmanship useful in any kind of relationship. Nor do I think we stop being human beings at the consulting room door. Courtesy and respect still apply.

I'm so glad you were able to talk to your therapist and she heard you! What a great feeling it is to be really be heard on a deep, emotional level. I'm sorry she's leaving, but it's good to see that you're looking at this in a positive light and actually feeling some excitement about finding someone new to connect with. Keep us posted and good luck on your hunt!

PS Just remember that the first person you meet with doesn't have to be "the one." It's okay to interview more than one. I actually found that when I was honest with new therapists that I was in the process of interviewing several different therapist before making a commitment, they were very supportive of that plan. I feel very strongly that the client AND the therapist have to have a strong feeling that the connection between them is solid before the hard work can begin.