On top of everything else...

I have a lot going on. And my T knows that.

My appointments are on Wednesdays, but because the month has 5 Wednesdays, I was planning on skipping the 22 because I didn't have the money for it, and it's my birthday. It just worked out that taking that day off would make my finances balance out and would give me my birthday off.

Because I'm going through some difficult things, my T at my appointment this evening offered to see me for free on the 22, rather than skip the week. I didn't agree to anything, but she told me to let her know what I decide. On my way home from the appointment, she texts me and says that another client wants to come in on the 22 at my normal time and would I be okay with that?

Ugh. I know she needs to make money. And I know I didn't agree to the appointment. And I know I might not have ever agreed to it. But it just hurts.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but she just got done telling me she could see me, and then someone else takes the time.

I don't really have a point except to say that it sucks.

Yeah it does suck. I'm sorry. I'd be upset too.

I want to cry. On top of everything else, feeling abandoned by friends and so much other junk, she does this. I know it's not about me. I also know I could have said no, it's not okay. But I would never say that. "Oh, I'm sorry. You have to see me for free rather than see someone else and actually make a living." That's not okay. So I didn't really have a choice

I don't think it's right to give your appointment time away after telling you she'd meet you on that day and not waiting for your decision.

You're not being unreasonable...that's just lame. She shouldn't have offered and then yanked the offer back like that (esp. when she knows you are already upset about your b-day, etc.). The best way to handle the situation once she made the offer was to ask that you get back to her with an answer w/in, let's say, 24-48 hours, and then she could fill your timeslot if you decided not to attend your usual appt. But if she was going to so quickly rescind her offer w/out waiting for an answer from you, she never should have offered at all.

She did give me the choice. She asked me whether I was okay with her giving that time away or would I prefer her to hold onto it while I made the decision. It's not like she gave it away and then told me she did. She asked me whether she could.

Yeah, and I do agree. I wish she never would have said anything.

Btw, I hope you are able to tell her how hurt you are feeling about this...it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way. She messed up.

You do have a choice.

My T did that to me once...sort of. She asked if she could move my appointment back by 2 hrs so she could fit someone else in. My thoughts were: "Well, I guess this other appt is more important than I am. This person gets extra time and I'm the one that has to compromise." It turned out that she knew I would be flexible with her, that if I really wasn't okay with I would say so, and that the other appt was just an assessment/testing which takes more time.

If you want the appt, say so. You can tell at the same time that you feel guilty for taking a time slot that she could have gotten paid for. She offered it to you for a reason.

No, I can't. That's really selfish of me.

No, I can't do that. She already gives me a reduced fee. I can't take more time from her when she could be paid for it.

I think you're looking at this the wrong way. She isn't trying to give away the slot she offered you because she can make money. She is trying to sort out scheduling. If you don't want to come then she can give another client in need the appointment but she's giving you the option to still come, you have first refusal. Also, you're assuming the other person is a paying client, you don't that for a fact, this other person could be on any number of payment arrangements and even not paying at all currently.

Decide if you want the appointment and get back to her ASAP so that she can sort her scheduling out.

You're right. The other client might not be paying. But the chances are high that she will get more than $0 by scheduling that appointment. And no, it's not just about money. I know. And yes, I know I could have vetoed it. But that would have been incredibly selfish. And I don't put my needs above the needs of someone else. I already told her as soon as I got the text that it would be fine. I knew I would never say anything different.

Why would i be selfish? She offered, and therapists are very careful to not overstretch themselves or do anything they don't actually want to do. You don't need to look after her needs. This is about you and she wanted to help you. And this relationship is the ideal place to start putting your needs first. This is the place you're meant to do that or at least practice doing it.

It's not just her needs. It's the needs of another one of her clients, too. I'm not more important than either of them, let alone more important than both of them. It would be incredibly selfish.

Therapy is about you. That isn't selfish. If you went to the ER, but didn't have insurance, would you say to take someone else before you because they do have insurance?

Don't you trust your T to be able to take care of her own needs and the needs of her other clients?

Yes, if I wasn't going to die waiting and they could only take a limited amount of people, I would expect that those with insurance would go first.

Sorry, I completely disagree. It is your therapy, by design you are at the very center of it. Your needs are the only ones that matter. You don't need to look after anyone's needs bar your own. That isn't selfish, it's self-care. And if you don't have self-care you have nothing because you cannot possibly look after anyone elses needs if you yourself is drowning.

Ask yourself why you're putting the needs of a) someone that you don't need to look after ( your therapist) and B) Someone you don't even know and have absolutely no responsibility for. Before your own needs?

Martyring yourself doesn't help anyone. You deserve to look after yourself. You NEED to put yourself first. That's what self-care is about.

But how would you know how they will pay? How do you know this other client is paying?

She shouldn't have put you in that position, that wasn't right.

I would probably do and think the same kinds of things if it was me with my T; at a distance from it all it seems much easier to write something like

Your T is doing is asking if you want that slot or not; if not she will give it to someone else who does want it ... not because of the money; not because the other client is more important, but because she wants to work it out as far as scheduling

You want the slot but you need to let her know

but I totally understand how this can be a massive struggle and there is lots to it ... lots which I hope you can let your T know about

This just sounds like you're martyring yourself.

I'm not sure how I could justify taking an appointment and not paying for it when I'm fairly certain that someone else would pay for the same slot. I don't deserve that. Call it what you want: martyring or whatever. I would never do that to someone, anyone. And it's too late now. The slot is gone.

You can justify it because you NEEDED it or WANTED it and it was offered to you by your therapist who WANTED to do that for you. It was never up to you to decide if you " deserved it" or not. Your T wanted to help you keep your weekly appointments. No ifs, no buts, no jumping thru hoops. She wanted to help you plain and simple.

It might be too late now but it's important that you think about this and why you deny yourself things you need and want.

This reminds me of my session today, t told me , I don't ever express my needs or wants, I don't have a voice. She said it stems from childhood , always looking out for others feelings. She was stressing on that today.

Therapists don't offer anything they are not comfortable giving and typically they do not over stretch themselves .

If you wanted to accept you should have, it was offered. It's your therapy.

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