On top of everything else...

I know why I do. It's not a mystery to me. It's because I have been told my whole life that my needs are not important. It's not freaking rocket science. And right now, that's even worse because of some situations going on that my T is very aware of. She must have known I would have agreed to her scheduling change, no matter what. She must have known. And she still told me about it. It wasn't really a choice. It was simply that she needed to fit someone else in and so she knew I would agree to allow someone else to have the spot.

I think your needs came first. She asked you twice. First in session, and you said no. Actually you said maybe, but that was the same as a no to her, in terms of someone BEING there. Then she asked you again, and you said no. Actually, my t would have been a little mad at you for wanting to skip in the first place, for not presenting the budget issue as a problem for the TEAM to solve.

I know its scary and hard to say yes. But look at it from her point of view - she just wanted a body in the chair at that time next week. You were willing to let her twist in the wind - thats not very nice. Did she complain? No. She asked you again. Now YOU are complaining. And kind of wallowing in it. But from another point of view, maybe you bear some responsibility? I want you to buck up, buttercup!

That's rubbish Hazelgirl. Therapists don't play those games. She did it because she needed to know whether you were going to take the session or not. She has other clients to consider. It's perfectly reasonable for her to ask you to confirm as quickly as possible whether you want the slot or not. That's all her text was about. Scheduling, it wasn't a test, it wasn't a subtle message, it wasn't a game. She expected/hoped/wanted you to speak up for what you needed. To have second guessed you, assume you can't do it for yourself disenpowers you, coddles you, makes you think you can't do things for yourself and that isn't healthy.

It's up to you to take responsibility for your own growth, for your own needs and wants. You may have been told your whole life that your needs don't matter. But part of you must want to change that inner script if you're going to therapy. Part of you however small knows that script is B.S and your needs do matter. You matter, for no other reason than you are here on earth, a human being, you exist, therefore you matter. It does you absolutely no good to keep regurgitating the script that was force fed to you as a child. You are not a child anymore and you can choose something different. And that starts with acknowledging that you have needs and wants and it's ok to allow people to look after you or help you.

I wouldn't have tolerated it if she had gotten mad at me for wanting to skip a week. I don't handle things like that well and would probably have quit. I tend to panic when I'm forced into things.

And no, I'm not going to complain to her. I understand why she did it. But the reality is that it still hurts even though I understand it. What the people on this thread don't seem to be understanding is that I would feel really awful and incredibly selfish for taking that spot knowing someone else could use it.

I didn't even get a chance to think about whether I wanted to be there or not. It's my birthday. Did I really want to go do therapy on my birthday? I was texted while I was still driving home from the appointment. Not a lot of time to change my mind, or make up my mind.

Part of it is how she framed it, too. She said she couldn't give me a birthday card or present (therapy boundaries), but she could offer a free appointment and she would let me think about it and decide whether I wanted to come in. So it felt like she was taking back the "gift" she was giving me, too.

It would have been more skillful to say "I will hold the slot for (say) 24 hours, let me know within that time."

It was wrong to text you so soon (without explsnation) that you were still driving home. Asking for an answer so soon, after having just told you to think about it, emptied her offer of any meaningful content because it would not be reaonable to expect you to have an answer before you got home when you had not specifically understood that to be necessary. Of course you feel hurt.

I am thinking about trust. You are basically saying that you don't trust T to manage her own affairs, you decide for her that she should not give you a free session, you decide for her that a paying session is more important than your birthday session. And yet it seems from what transpired that you were right: taking everything at face value, it seems that she couldn't really be trusted in this matter. This is one reason why I think it would be good to discuss the whole situation with her: the hurt, the replay of the childhod sense that you are not important, the unreasonably fast request for a decision. It might be helpful to hear her perspective and in my opinion it will be important for her to hear yours.

I totally get the knee jerk reaction to say, "Sure, go ahead and give the other client the appointment time", and then feeling despondent and rejected when I hang up the phone. I have responded the same way, and I have felt sadness that my therapist didn't know that would be my reaction and anger that she even put me in that position of having to make that decision. I would be mad that she didn't KNOW that I wouldn't be able to say, "No! That's the time you gave me and I want it." . . . even though I desperately wanted to have the time.

Is it possible that when your therapist offered the gift of a free session, you felt too needy and selfish for even thinking about accepting it? Did you want to wait and consider the appointment and then say, "Yes, I'll take it." after time passed because then you wouldn't be seen as too needy? Or did you possibly want her to encourage you more to accept the gift, thus demonstrating how much she wanted you to be there in session with her that week you planned to miss? And then, it really really stung when she didn't even hold it for you.

I get the pain this kind of thing creates. But in reality, I think your therapist was very kind to offer the gift. Unfortunately, she might have had a client in the office who was in a bad way and she wanted to make sure she could see the client twice next week. BUT she didn't just give the time away, she remembered your need and she checked with you first. She obviously wanted to allow you the opportunity to stake your claim on that time period. I think you regret not asserting your need and taking the time. I get why you did what you did, and now you're hurt and a bit angry at your therapist not just holding the slot. It's something valuable for you and she to discuss and process in your next session. Sometimes the choices that we make that hurt us over and over again (for you the feeling that your needs aren't important and you're being selfish if you assert your needs) are the best topics to process in our sessions. If our therapist's always accommodate for our needs through out therapy, then we never move past our stuck spots. This was your opportunity to step out and assert yourself. You stumbled and now you feel hurt, but you'll have other opportunities and at some point, you will find the strength to move pass "old scripts" and state your needs clearly and without guilt. This entire incident is something old and something rich in therapeutic value to you... even though it hurts right now. Use it in your next session!

Jaybird, I couldn't love that post more. It perfectly sums up the situation.

I did want to wait a few days before accepting to not seem so "needy". I would have felt like I was taking advantage of her kindness to accept immediately, even though I sort of knew she might offer it long before she actually did (I would never ask for it). The fact that she had someone else who could use it so quickly meant that I couldn't wait for a few days before accepting so I had to let it go. I know that's my own fault. I didn't ever say it wasn't.

If I bring it up to discuss it, I will have to tell her about how it made me feel and about how I didn't want to accept it because I didn't want to take advantage of her. And we've had that conversation a hundred times. I don't want to have it again. She will feel sad that I didn't feel like I could take her gift even when I needed it and I will say it was because I didn't want to be a burden or be too needy. She will say I don't need to take care of her and I will say that I feel like I have to even if she says I don't.

What I've learned over time, HG, is that sometimes it takes one hundred and one times or three hundred times or a thousand times. The conversation about old scripts (ie. I'm too needy and selfish) takes as long as it takes to process. When we avoid it, it simply goes underground and comes popping up again to let us know it's still there and still tying us up in knots.

I think I've read your posts long enough now to know what you'd say to someone else: "You need to talk to your therapist about this at your next session." Join your emotional mind with your rational mind and act from your wise mind. Talk to her about what happened and process it again. It'll begin to stick after a while.

IDK, one of the best thing therapy has taught me is quit playing these "games". Say what I really want/need/how I feel... doesn't mean I get it but it still does wonders for me.
However, calling you on your way home from the app. is way too early...

I texted her and explained some of how I was feeling. I also mentioned a few other things I didn't bring up at my appointment yesterday. She scheduled me for next Tuesday, so my appointment will be one day earlier than normal.

I am glad that you were able to contact her and say how you felt.

I'm happy about that as well. I'm glad you are able to text your t.

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that's great to read hazel