[callisto711]

I'm new here and new to therapy, I've been going for about two months. I really like my T, but I don't think she thinks I like her. I tend to push people away from me and I can see myself doing that to her and I feel really guilty. I am pretty difficult with her, and she handles it pretty well. She knows I don't trust her and that she makes me uncomfortable. I am really trying to be open with her.
I have only trusted a few people in my life, but I have never let anyone in all the way. I want to let her in all the way but it is really hard for me. I have all these grandiose thoughts about what we are going to talk about in session, and then I go in and I turn into a cold robot. I am thinking about just walking into my session this week and sitting on the floor (she only has chairs). I thought maybe forcing myself to be physically vulnerable would make me emotionally too? Is that crazy? I am just at a loss for what to do but I want to be more open. This is such a pain.

[roimata]

I did the same thing you're thinking of doing. I walked into my therapist's office, announced "I'm going to sit on the floor" and plopped down. Sitting there with my back to the wall helped me open up. It's something about being sub-eye level or being able to shrink, for me personally. Can't say for certain. I think it is worth a try.

[ThisWayOut]

Vulnerability is difficult. I like the floor idea. You can also try writing things out to take with you. Worst case scenario, you give her what you wrote and she can read it herself. You can even print out this post to give to her. I think most t's understand that trust and vulnerability is difficult for many clients. I'm sure she would be willing to work with you on that... Therapy is a tough decision. You've taken a huge step just by going and keeping up with it. If you can manage to be as open as you are comfortable being with her in the moment, the rest will come.

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I like the sitting on the floor idea, too. I am in the same boat as you, in that as soon as I walk into therapy all of my emotions disappear and I just sit there smiling through the whole session as I talk about stuff. But not getting to the heart of anything. I think next week I am going to bring my journal, or a drawing or something that will get the conversation going on a deeper level. It's frustrating to have this fear of vulnerability!

Whether your T feels you like her or not, will become part of the therapy... But, we can never know what someone feels, we can only know what we feel...

[Partless]

Callisto711, welcome to the club, vulnerability is hard as hell!

I could have written much of your post. I have been in therapy for 6 months and if I had been replying to your post last week I probably would have been saying I have recently had a breakthrough with trusting my T and feeling able to be vulnerable but last session my T said the portcullis had come down again and he was right. I suddenly didn't trust him again. He says I'm like an iceberg (only 1/9th exposed) but he also said resistance is ok, it's a defence mechanism and it's not a bad thing.
Trust in your instincts and let the trust in the relationship form organically. It will take time and have hiccups but if you push yourself too soon to trust you could end up frustrated or more vulnerable than you are ready to be.

[MoxieDoxie]

With my x-T I learned, by accident, that standing up while he was sitting helped me talk from a less frightened, vulnerable place and was able to converse easier. He even said perhaps we should do more sessions this way. He was a T that did not connect with me and I always felt aggregated and triggered by him. He also had tight tight boundaries that I felt insulted by.