[growlithing]

I had a really heavy session with LCM a few days ago. I've been struggling a lot recently and I have been bottling everything up inside because for some reason, stuff has gotten harder to talk about again. I couldn't sleep at all the night before and I started the session by asking for a hug. She asked if I wanted a hug right then. I asked her how many she'd give me. She laughed a little and said just one then asked what was going on. I just broke down crying (which is unusual for me to cry at all, let alone that fast in the session). I finally managed to really tell her what was going on. I told her that the flashbacks were worse, that I felt so alone in the world because I had no one to talk to about it, I told her about the intense body memories and how overwhelmed I feel about making a change in my life when I can't get myself to stop thinking about what happened. It was obvious that she was feeling sad and maybe withholding some emotions and it made me feel bad for hurting her. I told her that I felt like I was withholding stuff from her to protect her and she said she needs to know what I'm not saying. So I told her about the sui thoughts. I told her that they were passive and I didn't have any intent, but when I drink, I often get urges to attempt and it can be hard to control. I told her that when I called her drunk, I wasn't having urges to only self harm. Her eyes were completely bloodshot and she choked on her words, "if you killed yourself, it would break my heart" and burst into tears. It wasn't at all like when she's gotten starry eyed in the past. She was full on crying and I immediately started crying even harder, telling her I'm not going to do anything. It was just an extremely emotional session and I wanted to share.

One thing came up though when I told her about body memories. She thinks I need to go to OBGYN and talk to a doctor about the nature of the pains and have my first appointment. I am 21 and I've never gone. She thinks it would be beneficial to talk to a doctor about it and said if I make an appointment, she would come sit with me in the waiting room and help me if I get upset afterwards. I'm conflicted. I really REALLY do not want to go. I don't want a doctor to look at it or touch me in anyway. I don't want them to touch me there or my breasts. I'm not sexually active and I'm so scared of the idea. I read up on what they would do and that seems like way too much for me. But at the same time, I think it would be medically a good idea to make sure the pain isn't something more serious and I think that if I had to go, going with LCM would be the safest route. I just don't know what to do.

[junkDNA]

i hate obgyn appointments and pelvic exams. i had to have a procedure on my cervix and it was horrible. one time i was admitted to the ER bc of pain and the doctor was a male and he said he had to do a pelvic exam. i freaked out and cried and called my T. he came to the hospital and sat with me afterwards. i think having ur "LCM" there would be helpful.

[NowhereUSA]

A first pelvic exam can be tough even without a history. I think your LCM is right though - if you're having pain, it's a good idea to get checked out. Maybe she can help you with some breathing exercises. Or, if you can find a good GYN, maybe try to contact them ahead of time that you need a little extra time. It's by no means comfortable even when you do have them more frequently, but being able to relax those muscles will make it less harrowing and go a bit faster. I had a traumatic labor with my second and after I had "phantom pain" - it took my midwife going through and putting pressure on different parts to show me that I was okay and everything down there was okay.

A good doc is going to be thoughtful. You could also find a family doc who does exams too, sometimes they have a bit more time because the nature of their specialty.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you were able to talk more honestly with your LCM about the sui thoughts...
I think having her go with you to the appointment would also be a good idea. You can both talk to the Dr. before the appointment and express your concerns over the exam portion. Most Dr's are ok going slow and keeping it all at a pace you can handle. I have lots of trouble with gyn exams, but my current dr. is awesome. Despite having seen her for the last 5 years, she still talks to me for quite a while before each exam. We catch up and she makes me feel comfortable. We re-visit what is helpful for me should I get triggered at all during the exam. She reminds me what she will be doing each time before the exam, but then we try to keep talking about random stuff while she's actually doing it (I find this level of distraction works best for me. Other people prefer to have the dr tell them everything they are doing as they do it). She checks in with me regularly during the exam, asking how I'm doing and if she needs to stop or switch things up. We've agreed that if I check out on her (drift off in the conversation or stop responding to her all together), she needs to pause to get me back, but then we continue the exam because having to come back again would be more stressful...
It may be a bit of a search to find a dr you are comfortable with, but it definitely helps. If you can have an up-front and honest coversation with them about your past, your discomfort with the idea of an exam, and any responses you can picture yourself having, it should go a bit smoother. And don't worry about leaving if you feel uncomfortable once you meet the dr. I know many are willing to meet before the initial exam, but some are not. If you can get a sense of how comfortable you are with them, it might help.

Good luck. Hope you can get checked out and the pain is nothing serious.

[geis]

You can also make an appointment to talk to the doc without an exam. Eventually they're going to want to do an exam because it's the only way to really tell what's going on, but you don't have to agree to it right away. I see an OB/GYN nurse practitioner who understands trauma issues, and we're working toward being able to do an exam...but she gets that I'm not there yet. In the meantime, she's done other tests (a CT and an abdominal ultrasound) to figure out my pain. (For me, it's ovarian cysts.) My first visit, she was totally hands-off and didn't pressure me at all. I think there are more and more docs, especially OB/GYN's, who are becoming aware of the legacies of trauma

I hope you can find someone good who can help you through this and give you some relief.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

I'm 29 and have never been. I have a past history of sexual abuse. I made an appointment today to go. It will be torture for me. My T won't/can't go, but if she could it would help A LOT. I am definitely not ready and know I will completely dissociate. I am only doing it because my T says it's important for my health and I want her to be proud.

Totally get LCM to go with you. (Hugs)

[A Red Panda]

You can also request to have a female doctor. Might make the wait time a bit longer if they don't have many female docs, but it might help a lot with your comfort level.

I don't have a history of sexual abuse, but I absolutely won't allow a male in the room.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

You can also request to have a female doctor. Might make the wait time a bit longer if they don't have many female docs, but it might help a lot with your comfort level.

I don't have a history of sexual abuse, but I absolutely won't allow a male in the room.

I read about it online and I think it would be horrible either way and I don't want someone of either gender doing it. I mean, a woman could but that would be weird. A man could but I read cases of rape during it. I don't want to have that again. I am so afraid of it maybe I just won't do it.

[AncientMelody]

Like the other folks said, you don't have to consent to a pelvic exam right at the first visit, they may get a fair but of information by taking a thorough history of your symptoms and an external abdominal exams, etc. And as a previous poster noted, you could see a family doctor if that makes you more comfortable.

[A Red Panda]

well, for your own health it's best to eventually get one done. Would you prefer male or female, as you could request either gender. Whatever your reasonings are as either gender is fine. I prefer female doctors because I'm more comfortable with someone who has the same genitalia as me checking it out. I usually end up rambling during the appointment about girlish-topics to distract myself.

[NowhereUSA]

Definitely talk with the doctor beforehand and you don't have to do a pelvic right away. If it helps, interview both genders. I prefer male doctors with a nurse nearby (although my family doc is a woman so she's been doing them). For me, they've tended to be nicer because they don't have the bits Not always true obviously, just anecdotal.

[bounceback]

I can totally relate to this. I think I was 32 before I had my first pelvic exam. My psychiatrist had found me a nice lady nurse practitioner to go to. It helped. I still don't like them but it gets a little easier each time. I don't know if it is like this where you are but usually the doctor has someone else in the room so nothing inappropriate can happen. I hope you go ahead and get it done.

[growlithing]

I texted LCM and told her I need help because I drinking too much and I think she's mad and threatened me and I'm scared

[growlithing]

I'm freaking out please someone talk to me. I can't lose her or be homeless. I just tried to tell her I need help and things went badly and I love her but she won't text me back

[growlithing]

She's the only person I have to talk to when I'm scared liks this and I ruined debt urging

[growlycat]

You don't have to have any exams in your first appointment, you can just talk with the obgyn about your concerns

Relax, breathe. You're going to be fine. Things seem worse when you've been drinking. LCM cares about you, and won't abandon you.

[growlycat]

I don't think she will leave either, she is just doing a mama bear routine on you to scare you out of drinking. But you really should stop drinking.

[growlithing]

Thanks. I calmed down and talked to my RA friend. She thinks I'm so scared of violating this contract that I'm throwing my own mental health needs out the window. LCM won't just randomly leave me. She said just yesterday that she wants me to have consistent mental health professionals over many years and she wants to be one. Abandoning me suddenly would be completely contrary to that. I will probably text her again tomorrow out of fear. I probably threw her off guard and she said things out of anger to scare me. She said that when I binge drink, she feels taken advantage of. And I feel so guilty. I don't want to make her feel that way. She doesn't deserve it. I told myself I would stop drinking. Then I drank a bottle of wine. I don't know why this is so complicated for me.

[~Christina]

Its really not that complicated , your turning to alcohol to get drunk to get away from your problems. But it always leaves you feeling horrible and remembering drunk texting to LC ...and then you freak out thinking she will no longer see you, Vicious cycle I think. Wash, rinse and repeat..... Maybe you should look into local AA programs.

You and only you can make the first step to stop this harmful non helpful coping skill your using.

Stay safe

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Its really not that complicated , your turning to alcohol to get drunk to get away from your problems. But it always leaves you feeling horrible and remembering drunk texting to LC ...and then you freak out thinking she will no longer see you, Vicious cycle I think. Wash, rinse and repeat..... Maybe you should look into local AA programs.

You and only you can make the first step to stop this harmful non helpful coping skill your using.

Stay safe

I agree with this. I think that looking into AA programs is an excellent idea. I think it would be a good place to start, if the drinking aspect is a problem which it seems to be. Also, I don't know if you have already commented on this but does the life coach have any referrals for you, as far as therapists or AA programs? I don't know if that is in her realm of advice or if you have already responded to this here on the forum but it just occurred to me.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

I agree with this. I think that looking into AA programs is an excellent idea. I think it would be a good place to start, if the drinking aspect is a problem which it seems to be. Also, I don't know if you have already commented on this but does the life coach have any referrals for you, as far as therapists or AA programs? I don't know if that is in her realm of advice or if you have already responded to this here on the forum but it just occurred to me.

I have responded to the idea of AA on the forum before. I'm not going to do it. It's never going to happen and it's not an option I'm going to entertain.

I'm still looking for a TT. LCM has no referrals.

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I have responded to the idea of AA on the forum before. I'm not going to do it. It's never going to happen and it's not an option I'm going to entertain.

I'm still looking for a TT. LCM has no referrals.

Okay. I thought I remembered a discussion about the AA topic, but I wasn't sure. Sorry I couldn't be helpful.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I told myself I would stop drinking. Then I drank a bottle of wine. I don't know why this is so complicated for me.

It's complicated because you are an alcoholic.

You don't have to be drinking a huge huge huge amount at a time, and you don't have to be drunk consistently every single day or for years to be an alcholic.

You're at the start of that addiction.

If you won't do AA, then start looking for a therapist with an addiction speciality. Seeing as you keep not finding any trauma therapist, you may as well widen the search to help you stop this addiction you've formed.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

It's complicated because you are an alcoholic.

You don't have to be drinking a huge huge huge amount at a time, and you don't have to be drunk consistently every single day or for years to be an alcholic.

You're at the start of that addiction.

If you won't do AA, then start looking for a therapist with an addiction speciality. Seeing as you keep not finding any trauma therapist, you may as well widen the search to help you stop this addiction you've formed.

I'm not addicted. I didn't drink at all yesterday. And I won't drink today. I'll still look for the T though