[lauren_helene]

Hi all, I still kind of new here so I'll introduce myself. I'm a married mother of a two year old. I love the show 24, hence my username and I've been in therapy for about a year. There is a lot more to me than that but I'm trying to summarize!

I was wondering if any of you are married and if your spouse is supportive of your therapy? If it has caused problems how did you resolve it? Change therapists or quit going?

My husband and I have been together 7 years. We are going on 4 years married. He's very quiet and reserved and I'm the opposite very loud and lets just say unreserved?

Anyway, our marriage was lacking intimacy and once my depression started to lift, I realized this in therapy. My husband kept refusing to come to any sessions with me. He would say he doesn't know anyone who ever went to therapy.

He eventually lamented and we had a few couple sessions and then one day he said he thought we were fine and didn't see the point of continuing. He told my T this one session.

I wanted DH to try a few sessions alone with my T because he would get very emotional about being quiet and reserved, called it a personality flaw and would cry sometimes.

So, eventually he tried one session alone. My T said it went great and DH seemed happy when he got home. He said they talked about him coming every 2-3 weeks.

One day, something changed. He decided he didn't need it. That was it. He gets mad if I bring it up. I told him, see someone else then but he isn't the person I used to know. I want him to get some assistance I love him.

Some background on this is he knows of my attachment to my T. He didn't understand it at first but says he does now. DH wants a second child bad and I don't right now. He is having a hard time with my decision on that but I can't see having another child until he and I are solid. He doesn't really get that.

I'm not sure how to resolve this. I plan to talk to my T about it again tonight. Last week we touched on the subject and T thinks DH is jealous of our relationship in that my T and I can talk about my feelings, emotions and such and my DH can't do that with me or anyone. So anyone I connect with is going to be a problem for him.

I agree with this. The last few sessions, my DH has made me feel bad about having my sessions at 5:30. I give him plenty of notice but he still gets upset the night before and has me either take our son to a drop off daycare costing another $100 on top of our current day care costs or he tries to get me to switch it and I never can that late notice.

I feel like he is trying to get me to stop therapy and I am making so much progress now. My progress has pointed out our marriage issues but I want to work on them.

I'm sorry the post is so long...any advice is appreciated.

HI, Therapy is sometimes as difficult on our relatives and friends as it is for us. They have to grow alongside us as we change but they have do it without the support that we have.

Keep trying to talk to your husband as much as possibe. With time your confidence will grow.

I can't comment anymore then this as no one knows for sure just how your husband is feeling except him.

I know at times with my own guilt of time and money that therapy takes up I have projected this onto my husband and when I've asked him outright if he feels what I think he is thinking, he has said that he doesnt deny me anytihng that I feel I have to do.

I think at that time that was as much as he could give and that was enought.

[sidony]

Wow it must be awful not to be supported about going to therapy! I've often wondered what it would be like on the other person if I were in a serious relationship/marriage while going to therapy. Since I'm single, there's no issue for me (and no one to complain that I go). It seems to me that you won't be able to make him think that it's right for him to go to therapy, so I'd just concentrate on getting him to accept that you go. Just keep talking with him about it and why he dislikes your going. I wish I had some advice. Maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation?

I hope things work out for you. I can't think of anything more helpful than therapy though! I think you're right in waiting 'til things are solid before thinking about a second child.

Sorry I don't have much input to offer, but I've been thinking about your post. I hope things improve for you.

Sidony

[sunrise]

Wow, almeda24fan, that sounds like such a tough situation. I think you are doing the right thing in seeking help for yourself. It sounds like you have already made great strides with dealing with your depression.

I am married and I did tell my husband at the beginning that I was going to seek help from a counselor. (He had been to a therapist himself for just a few sessions several years prior and had not told me about it, but at least I knew he thought it was OK to seek professional help for mental health problems.) He never asked about my counselor or our sessions and I didn't discuss them with him. He just wasn't interested, as in "it's your problem, you deal with it, I don't need to know." Now I am seeing a different therapist and I never told him I switched. My current T is male, whereas my original counselor was female. But I don't think he would be jealous if he knew.

Can you point out to your husband that it seems like he is resisting your going to therapy? And tell him it is for your health, and just like any other healthcare provider appointment (e.g. dentist, eye doctor, gyn, etc.)? Maybe he would then consider that his resistant actions may be sending you the message that he doesn't want you to be healthy or happy?

I think it is strange he would make you take your son to extra daycare so you can go to therapy instead of just taking care of your son himself. That seems incredibly lazy! And how must your son feel to have Daddy reject him like that? (maybe I am not understanding this piece right--just seems odd to me!)

Please stand firm in your decision not to have more kids until the marital problems are worked out. And be sure he understands you are firm. Having additional children will not help the problems you are trying to work on.

I have a really good web link on the pros and cons of the husband and wife having the same therapist (for individual therapy). (I will post it in this thread later when I am posting from home.) There are good reasons to go to the same person but also very good reasons to have separate therapists. I would not be able to tolerate it if my husband had the same T as I do.

That is great you are making progress. That is a common source of stress in a marriage. One person makes progress and grows. The other is left behind. This challenges the "left behind" person to either grow or perhaps lose the relationship. Please don't give up on couples therapy. If you stand firm, your husband will know how much the marriage means to you and how committed you are to making it better (and making it last!).

Hang in there.

sunny

P.S. I am a 24 fan too!

I'm married, too. My husband has always been cool with me going to therapy... it's not really the therapy that has caused any discord within our marriage, as it was the actually problems that I have experienced through the years. Also, I saw in your post that you said you have been in therapy for a year-- when I met my husband I had already been in treatment for about three years. So he was pretty much just used to me this way!

Maybe you can share with your husband, to an extent. I mean you don't have to share the details of the session because that is a private thing for you, but I usually try to highlight a couple of things for my husband, even if they aren't specific-- just tell him about some of the really cool, mysterious ways in which therapy works.

Do you think he would feel different if you had a female T? I wonder sometimes how my husband feels that I share so much stuff, technically with another male. If my husband went to T and he had a female, I'd probably get insanely weird about that, but then again-- that's probably one reason I need therapy, haha.

Something to think about though-- even though my husband never had a problem with therapy (although sometimes I'd tell him something my T said and he'd say: "Oh, I already told you that... why couldn't you listen to me?"), I know that my husband takes it very personally that he can't make me "better." He feels responsible for my happiness. Maybe your husband feels this way too. Maybe he feels badly that he can't change the way things are for you, and that you had to turn to someone else. Perhaps some of his feelings are guilt, anger, or frustration. I know that my husband takes it very hard when he realizes that he can't always fix things for me.

[sunrise]

Here is the article I mentioned. I think it is really good.

Good or bad: more than one family member seeing the same therapist?

[lauren_helene]

I'm not sure, he probably would feel differently if I went to a woman but I've tried to see women in the past and never found one I connected with.

I talked to him about it this past weekend and he says he fine with my sessions and wants me to believe him...sigh...

Well, you all got to see me have an episode that is mostly what the post above was. An episode...not that he and I don't have issues because we do (DH and I) but this might be one of my thought distortions. Giggle.