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  #1  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 03:50 PM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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I truly believe that trust is a two way street....

If you are expected to trust a T after over a year of therapy to finally get there.... is it unreasonable to ask your T if they trust you?

Shouldn't trust go both ways... if they expect you to trust them, why can you not expect them to trust you?

Opinions?
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Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli

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  #2  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 03:59 PM
JaneTennison1 JaneTennison1 is offline
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Well the problem with that is that I don't want to be burdened with their issues. Trust is all fine, I believe I am trusted to be honest and direct, but I don't want to know much about them.
  #3  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 03:59 PM
Anonymous37925
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That's a really good point. Yes I think trust does take time to build in the relationship for both T and client.
I do actually recall saying "you can trust me" to my T I relation to his hesitance to tell me when he was thinking a certain type of therapy might be useful to me, but was concerned about suggesting it before he was sure.
Thanks for posting this. I think a lot about whether or not I trust my T, so it's good to be reminded that it's a two way street.
  #4  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 04:29 PM
Anonymous200320
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Yes, I think trust goes both ways - but not in the sense that I expect T to tell me anything about himself or his issues. But it is quite important for me that he trusts what I am telling him, that he believes that I'm not making things up, and that he trusts that I'm doing the best I can in terms of our therapy work. He has also entrusted me with his mobile phone number, since he is certain that I will not abuse it. And when I have had sui impulses in the past, I would have found it much harder to tell him if he hadn't told me that he trusted me not to act on them.

So yes, it is a two-way thing.
Thanks for this!
feralkittymom, HowDoYouFeelMeow?, precaryous, SeekerOfLife
  #5  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 08:30 PM
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purplemystery purplemystery is offline
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I agree that trust is a two-way street. My T said a few times that she trusts me. I agree with Mastodon that my T trusted me not to lie. This is an extreme example, but they can also trust that you won't physically harm them or make a move on them or something.
Thanks for this!
brillskep
  #6  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 08:39 PM
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Partless Partless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey View Post
I truly believe that trust is a two way street....

If you are expected to trust a T after over a year of therapy to finally get there.... is it unreasonable to ask your T if they trust you?

Shouldn't trust go both ways... if they expect you to trust them, why can you not expect them to trust you?

Opinions?
In our everyday relationships, it goes both ways. But not in therapy. It's a one-way street. And the only reason you need to trust T is so that you can share very personal information with him/her. So trust is needed for therapy to succeed. Because therapy requires vulnerability and we don't want to be vulnerable unless we trust we are not going to get hurt. The T does not need to trust us and never do to the extent that we, them. That's why they have a bunch of rules about ethics and confidentiality that punish them for violating our trust. But it's not the other way.
  #7  
Old Nov 09, 2014, 11:41 PM
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ScarletPimpernel ScarletPimpernel is offline
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Trust goes both ways for me and my T. Example: I trust her not to overreact to my severe depression/SUI thoughts. She trust me to tell her before I'm in danger of harming myself. If she doesn't trust me to be open and honest, why should I trust her. That is why we both agreed to be open and honest with each other from day 1...and we have.

Disclosure, is different. That's a one way street.
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  #8  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 01:21 AM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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I'm not talking about a T self disclosing, I know enough about her, I did a lot of research on T's until I found on I thought I could trust.. because trust is such a huge issue. She has given me her email and cell number... but cell is something I would call only if I were going to do something drastic, She is fine with me emailing her, and we discuss email in session. I asked her at the beginning if that was ok and she said sure... so that is not the issue.... The issue is that it takes a lot to trust for me and we were getting ready to do some serious trauma work... and I basically asked her if I could trust her to see me through it and not discharge me half way through... that was all I asked...do you think that is unreasonable.

I am not violent, I do not have mood swings, If anything, I get quite depressed and recently have had issues with fear of abandonment.. mostly because 3 months prior she was thinking she may not be the right person to help me, but then things got better and I needed to know I wasn't going to get halfway through the crap and she discharge... Abandonment is not normally an issue I have ever had... until she brought up she didn't know if she was helping me or not.. when it took me almost a year to trust her, and she knows why and thinks it's valid that I have that fear.... so I figure if I am getting ready to disclose serious trauma because that's the point we are in the workbook she has me working on... then I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if she is going to stick with me... that's the only trust issue I am talking about.
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Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli

Last edited by Lady Lindsey; Nov 10, 2014 at 01:35 AM. Reason: finished thought
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  #9  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 01:55 AM
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feralkittymom feralkittymom is offline
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I think there's a difference between trusting and trying to force a commitment because of fears of abandonment. That would seem to me to be more about control. True trust, for me, would be perhaps more akin to faith that the T would always put their obligation and responsibility to me first. That does not mean that the future is guaranteed, nor that external circumstances cannot change. I would put my trust in the moments we were working together, and if the T were worthy of my trust, have faith that the process will unfold in my best interests.
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  #10  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 02:01 AM
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Partless Partless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey View Post
and I basically asked her if I could trust her to see me through it and not discharge me half way through... that was all I asked...do you think that is unreasonable...I am not violent, I do not have mood swings, If anything, I get quite depressed and recently have had issues with fear of abandonment...
I totally agree with what you're saying and I think that's very reasonable for you to want her to give you reassurance that she will see you through this, that she won't abandon you when you are vulnerable. But do you mind explaining a little more what do you mean by trust going both ways?

Because it seems to me that the only issue you are talking about is trusting her (not the other way around); however you are suggesting she has to earn your trust. Obviously you are ware that you need to trust her, to have her guide you through difficult and dangerous train of this therapeutic journey, but you are suggesting that you will not follow if you can not be completely sure that you will not be abandoned half way there. Which, again, is totally reasonable.

On the chance that this is correct, then in my view you can consider two issues: One is why you don't trust her enough and two, what she needs to do to put your worries to rest. How can she earn your trust?

I think trust means allowing yourself to become vulnerable, to depend on someone. For a person who is depressed or anxious, this is especially difficult, because one is already feeling vulnerable enough as it is. So I think you might want to really talk about this with your T, about where you are at and what you need to be able to trust her.
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Lady Lindsey
  #11  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 02:02 AM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom View Post
I think there's a difference between trusting and trying to force a commitment because of fears of abandonment. That would seem to me to be more about control. True trust, for me, would be perhaps more akin to faith that the T would always put their obligation and responsibility to me first. That does not mean that the future is guaranteed, nor that external circumstances cannot change. I would put my trust in the moments we were working together, and if the T were worthy of my trust, have faith that the process will unfold in my best interests.
You bring up a good point... maybe it is about control.. maybe not... I just never even thought about it being an issue until she brought it up a few months ago... I was living in the moment and was trusting and having faith...... but she is the one who brought it up not me... so I am not certain what kind of head game she is playing.. but that is what therapists do... I should have known better than to even begin the trust thing again......
I have never had issues with abandonment.. until she brought up a few months ago that she wasn't certain she could help me, when I had invested a year into trusting her.. and then I finally start to trust her and we finally start getting work done... believe me, I know that nothing is guaranteed, her work partner was killed in a accident this past summer... At this point I really don't think I am going back, or if I do, it will be to read her what she wrote in her introduction about herself.... and tell her she is full of sh**
__________________
Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli
  #12  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 02:30 AM
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feralkittymom feralkittymom is offline
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It sounds like your real concern is whether or not she's worthy of your trust. I think a T expressing doubts about the therapeutic value of how they're conducting the therapy can often cause exactly the sort of concern/fear you express. It strikes me, in most cases, as a mistake--that such doubts are best dealt with in supervision, and if it's determined that a change needs to be made, then it's the T's responsibility to make the change, rather than communicate doubts to you.
Thanks for this!
brillskep, Lady Lindsey, precaryous
  #13  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 06:21 AM
Anonymous100152
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My T violated my trust in the worst way he possibly could. He told everyone he knew all the details of my life as if this was going to impress them. He did not care about being bound by rules of ethics nor did he even feel any moral obligation to me! What??? He basically destroyed my life. I am struggling to hold myself together.
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  #14  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 01:22 PM
AncientMelody AncientMelody is offline
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She trusts me...case in point. She prescribes me Ativan 0.5 mg. one a day as needed. There was a particularly bad day where 0.5 mg didn't help so I took a second dose a couple hours later. Even though I don't take them daily I felt bad about technically taking more in one day than prescribed. I called and notified her nurse who said "I'll let her know, but don't worry. You're the last patient she'd be worried about misusing the meds" or something along that line
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  #15  
Old Nov 10, 2014, 09:35 PM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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My T is not a Psychiatrist, She is a LPC, MHSP, working on her Doctorate.

I personally have been thinking about all your advice and suggestions... not sure what I am going to do... I am still very angry with her... anger is not an emotion I normally feel, so for me to be this angry and remember it... it hurts... I guess that is good because, normally I dissociate the anger.....

So I have been trying to process why I am so angry at her... the trust.. or like one said the control? I don't know, Betrayal and vulnerability is where I am at this point.

Either tomorrow or Wednesday I am going to try and meditate on it, let the anger flow through me without judgment and try and investigate why I am this angry with her. Once I do that, I will write her a letter...

Then I have to make a decision (if she hasn't already made that decision for me). If I don't get a discharge letter from her this week, I think I will go back and see her Friday... (I have written lots of letters in my life and I carry them around in several shoe boxes.. never mailed one).... but this time, I am going to read it to her, and ask her not to say anything until I am done reading it to her (then if I am brave enough).... I will ask her to help me decide if she really doesn't think she can help me or I can trust her... then we need to decide that I am done. Not sure if I can do this... just depends on meditation and if I can learn to accept what feelings I am feeling.....
I will either cancel my appointment or I will try the letter.. not sure where I am at so far.
I did go and get my book, good thing I had it in a small laptop bag, and I don't throw very well... took me about 30 minutes wandering around in the woods but I found it.

If we continue, I will keep the book, if we decide to be done, then I will burn the book...

I can't do this again, and I won't... so I guess I have a lot of thought to put in this one... am I able to work through this issue? Is she able to work through this issue? Am I able to trust her again? Do I need her trust or is it just reassurance.... If she hasn't discharged me by Friday, and I haven't cancelled the appointment we will see.

Like I said, I can't and won't go through this again, I have spent 49 years pretending that my life is great while falling apart inside.... If I have done it for 49 years... I can do it for the next 30 or so years I have left.... It took being shot for me to go back.. I don't expect anything that drastic to ever happen again.... so it is not a threat it is just the way I feel..... lots of things to think on and meditate about this week
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Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli

Last edited by Lady Lindsey; Nov 10, 2014 at 09:50 PM. Reason: hit enter before I finished my thought
  #16  
Old Nov 14, 2014, 10:35 PM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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I posted this thread under my angry thread also, because both ended up talking about the same thing... here is the update from my visit today from the therapist

So today was the day I went back to the therapist..... Yes, I actually went back.

After some advice, really reflecting and meditating, and then some advice from my friend along with some of the CBT exercise's I did. I realized that really I needed to go back, if for nothing more than closure.

I was assertive, not aggressive..... I asked her to let me express my feelings, explain the week and then her and I together could make the decision if she and I were the right fit as Therapist and Client.

She respected my request. I only had to ask her once to let me finish. Once we were done, she brought up the question of me wanting to be in control, and I looked at her and was amazed. I had brought a of notes and one of the things was that I wanted to talk to her about me feeling I was trying to control our therapy situations to avoid talking about what I didn't want to talk about..... trauma.... I found it Ironic, that even though I had written it down, I subconsciously missed it. So I discussed what I had written down about my feelings of me trying to control the situation...

Then I told her I obviously trusted her, that is why I came back. Because of this I trusted her judgment of if she thought we were not the right match.

She was very genuine and told me she half expected me not to come back tonight and I told her until Thursday, I wasn't sure I was coming back.

She told me that the choice and the decision for me to stay as her client was up to me. However, if we were going to do work it was up to me but I had to let go of the control.
I told her I would and asked her what she wanted to do. She said I hadn't built the coping skills to deal with the trauma work and once we got there, there was no going back... we needed to start from my childhood and work forward. and I needed to keep a steady pace. No matter how busy I got.

She felt that all the work in most of the book I had been working on was just me filling in lines, it was more than that, I needed to put thought behind it and then we could discuss it each week.... she didn't think it would take long, but there were certain sections that I refused to do, and I was going to need to do them, before we started the trauma work. I agreed that I would do that... so starting next week, I am going to try my hardest to stop fighting her, stop distracting and denying and actually try and learn some effective coping skills.. Such as trying not to starve myself or taking so many pills. Not sure If I can stop the not eating, but maybe I can add a salad or something.... I don't know for sure if that will be enough but at least it is a start.

So at this point it is up to me and the decision for her to discharge was a joint decision between the two of us and that it would not be her decision alone.

So I guess we start over in the book again, review my answers and try it again...

Maybe this is a fresh start.... but I feel better.... not great but better..... Like I said before, trust is very hard for me and someone said that Control may be part of the issue and you nailed it on the head....

Thanks for all the listening and support over the past week
__________________
Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli
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Thanks for this!
Blitter2014
  #17  
Old Dec 13, 2014, 01:53 AM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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Well, trust issue is no more... I quit therapy tonight.. lots of drama, I realized she ws not the right t for me... now I am left with this big gapping emotional wound... and no where to turn... it takes me way to long to start to trust a t.... I'm so done with everything
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Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli
  #18  
Old Dec 13, 2014, 03:24 AM
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Blitter2014 Blitter2014 is offline
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Wow Lady, you have really truly had a rough emotionally traumatic experience. You must be so exhausted, and I wish there was something I could do other than a hug and condolences. Please try to eat, even if just the salad you mentioned and to just take the next few days easy. Treat yourself to as much "me time" as you possibly can during the weekend and let Chance and your other animals give you some pet therapy loving.

Wishing you some peace of mind and calmness

Trusting T goes both ways
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  #19  
Old Dec 13, 2014, 03:52 AM
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feralkittymom feralkittymom is offline
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I'm sorry to hear this,LL. Maybe find things that give you comfort for awhile. You don't need to make any sweeping decisions at the moment. Every day gives you another opportunity to choose your direction. Maybe something to think about is the perspective that trust is or isn't. That you can or can't. Maybe it can be somewhere in the middle, flexible enough to meet your needs at the moment. That way, you can also be in control of the process enough to benefit, maybe with this T or maybe with another at another time.
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Lady Lindsey
Thanks for this!
Lady Lindsey
  #20  
Old Dec 13, 2014, 05:18 AM
Anonymous50122
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I found it really painful when I decided to quit, I had a huge sense of loss, and anger. Hope you are doing ok. I didn't stay quit by the way. But still think about it everyday.
Thanks for this!
Lady Lindsey
  #21  
Old Dec 13, 2014, 11:45 AM
sidney1771 sidney1771 is offline
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Of course trust is a two way street. Why wouldn't it be? Therapy, to me, is a joint relationship. I do have to say that I don't really know why I would want to intentionally lie or deceive my therapist as it would only come back to bite me in the butt and not her. Basically, by saying I don't trust her, I don't trust and respect myself. Interesting concept.
  #22  
Old Dec 13, 2014, 04:05 PM
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Lady Lindsey Lady Lindsey is offline
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Well I domt have to worry anout it I quit my T. I am done. Never going back to a t
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Lindsey
“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans

Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal......


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
- Steve Maraboli
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