[JaneC]

I have been feeling as if I'm all 'fixed', all better, there is nothing wrong with me, and that maybe when my therapist comes back from leave(whenever that is!), I will tell him that I no longer need him.

I told my best friend today and she said.....wow, great. Then looked at me square in the eyes and said.......and that's just you running away right?

I don't know, so much is going through my head.....

The session just before my therapist went on leave, I was completely lost inside of a horrible traumatic memory and it took time for my therapist to ground me back to the present moment, and I experienced the most horrid intense feelings as if I were right back there. This is the worst I have experienced, it stayed with me for a long time and seriously affected my ability to function, even 'normally' for me.

Since then, once recovered, I have felt nothing apart from this sense of....oh, everything is fine, I'm great, nothing is wrong, I don't need my therapist anymore......... I don't need to go back.

Am I running away? Am I deluding myself, have I shoved all the pain and trauma away again into the rooms in my head to never look at again? Am I not being honest with myself?

Any ideas?

[PeeJay]

I have been strongly tempted to quit both after dredging up old trauma and during times the therapist was on vacation.

Sounds not like running away, because that's a judgment call, but like a defense mechanism.

I'm glad I pushed through. These boards helped me to see the value in sticking with it, even when on the surface, life was good.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I think you've hit the nail on the head. It sounds like running to me. You've still got work to do on that painful memory of yours. Hugs

[HazelGirl]

You're definitely not "better" since you still have memories to deal with and pain to work through. So yeah, you're maybe running away. Google "flight into health".

[winter4me]

Yep. You got it.

[musinglizzy]

I second what PeeJay said. I've been in the same boat, and probably will again....

[JaneTennison1]

All you've done so far is to speak the horrible truth. While sometimes just saying it can be healing I think it's worth investigating further. My concern would be your brain has put it away to allow you to function as 'normal' but not dealt with the pain. If that box gets opened again you would be distressed I think.

[Soccer mom]

I actually felt this way a few weeks ago. I felt like the transference was gone and, wow, what was I going to talk about? I wondered if my brain or part of me just needed a break. I even told my T. that I felt a lot better and our conversations were light.
Then, I realized one thing I hadn't "fixed" so I decided to bring it up. And, now all of the feelings are back. Not in a bad way but I know I'm not done. And, a few relationship issues have come up for me to see that it's all related and I have more work to do.
I think we will go through phases like that. I've decided when I've had 4+ sessions of feeling better during and in between, then I'll know it's time to stop or really space things out. I see myself spacing my sessions until I eventually don't feel the need to come back. And, I'm sure I will be back for different life events as they come up. But, I have a ways to go...
I think you'll REALLY know when you're done - you won't even feel a need to ask/talk to us. It will be more of an annoucement vs any questioning.

[Ididitmyway]

One needs to have an intimate knowledge of you and your situation to be able to form an opinion of what's going on. That's why, I believe, it's better to take your questions and concerns to your therapist.

[stopdog]

Take a break and see how it goes would be my approach.

I think talking to the therapist about it would be like talking to a butcher about being a vegetarian.

I've said to myself that I won't end when my T is away as I think a lot of people end then and something is going on in your unconscious that makes you end then. I've said to myself to wait till T is back and have a couple of sessions to see if I still want to end. Is it somehow an easy exit to finish when they are away?

[JaneC]

Yes, you all have a point. I am running away........

Because it feels safer to avoid the memories, that last session was too scary! I haven't even said the bloody words, or described the things happened, the feelings that come are just too hard.

You are right that it is easier to stop without seeing my therapist again. Because his kindness and compassion would soften his ability to see straight through me, and yet he would still bring me back to where he 'knows' I need to go to heal.

Bluuuuuuuuuurggggghhh........