[Rainydaiz]

Sorry for the long post. Hope you get to the end!
I was really sad after therapy this week. I texted my t (which she says is fine to do). I don't do this often; maybe once or twice within a week; usually soon after the session, then I leave her alone! She is always trying to get me to self soothe, which she knows I can't do, but she is usually very kind. I def have maternal transference. She has told me she loves me, though she doesn't say this often. Anyway, in her text she told me to take my inner child by the hand and tell her I would look after her, and for both me and inner c to tell our critical parent we need her, but not all the time. This is in response to me saying I needed some comfort from knowing she was there and I was overwhelmed and struggling.
Unfortunately it was my inner child who read the message and took it as a rejection/abandonment. It hit me quite hard so I wrote down how I was feeling. It's very strong. Here it is. Read L for me and LL for inner child. Hope I starred out all the swearing sorry.

'I feel hurt, angry and rejected. I had reached out to you and you had basically said; sort yourself out, I'm not helping you. I don't know why I bother putting my trust in you. I should've known not to trust you. Here I am saying, 'I'm sad, overwhelmed, struggling,' and you've just said sort yourself out. Sound familiar? Do you think I've possibly received that message before? It's no **** good addressing the message to L because she wasn't the one who sent it, and it wasn't her who was waiting for a reply; it was LL. Don't you think she's had enough *** in her life already without you rejecting her? You know she doesn't want L. She's not ****well ready for that yet. How can she be?! How do you expect her to be able to accept L's help? You're the only one she trusts and you've pushed her away. Do you remember how long it took her to trust you?! Two ***** years. And do you have any idea how hard it is for her to reach out and say she needs help? My message to the world for 40 years has been, 'I don't need you, I can manage by myself.' Pushing everyone away. Why? Because this is what happens when you reach out to someone else. They let you down. And I know you are trying to teach me self-reliance and I know that people can't always be there for you. I know that. But maybe LL is nowhere near that stage yet. Maybe she has to have some dependency on you first because being needy and depending on someone has taken ***** years to achieve. And now I've achieved it, instead of celebrating it and saying, well done for trusting me, well done for asking for help, well done for allowing yourself to be needy when it's so hard for you; you're saying, 'not good enough. Must do better.'
Can I have an achievable target please? Please don't make me run before I can walk. You're making me stumble and fall. You're breaking my trust.
And L feels bad for asking you when you're busy and knows she shouldn't expect anything from you out of session. But when I asked you if it was ok to text you recently, you actually said 'how come you don't know it's ok?' Like I was wrong for not knowing that. And if you are busy etc I know I can wait. But would it have been so hard to give me what I had asked for? I just wanted to reach out and know you were there. So you could have easily texted something like; 'It's ok love, I'm here. You're going to be ok. Sending a hug.'That would've taken as much effort as the text you did send but it would have had the added effect of soothing me too. I probably wouldn't have needed anything after that. As you know, I tend to need you most right after a session and then leave you alone for the rest of the week. Also, I was completely wobbly before I sent the text, so how do you think I was after it? Able to cope with life/work etc? Not really. And you've made me hate myself more as I think I was so *** stupid to text you when I was hurting. Why did I do that? What an idiot I am; I should've known it'd hurt me.
I'm so mad at you and so hurt. I put my trust in you and you let me down like everyone else in my life. The only things I can think of is to push you away too. You don't deserve my love either.'

Anyway I managed to swallow my feelings enough to text her back 'thanks for texting me back'. Then today out of the blue I get one from her saying she knows it wasn't what I wanted and we'd discuss on Wed. Am furious! I told her I'd written down how I felt and I was planning to bring it with me. Now I'm terrified about Wed. Been thinking about not going for the first time ever. Partly to hurt her, though I guess it wouldn't. Partly through fear! Any of you been here?!

Also I do know this is all about my mum really. I'm angry at my mum. My t know that I know this too.

Thanks for listening especially if you got to the end of this!

[unaluna]

I just see you doing some really good work. The work is in facing it, feeling it. There really is no fixing it. Just living thru it, getting thru it, all parties coming out alive and standing on the other side.

[Rainydaiz]

Thanks hankster that was really helpful. Much appreciated. You made me feel better than my t. Do you want a job lol?!

[unaluna]

You clarified it for me too!

[jaynedough]

I'm so sorry that you're both in so much pain right now. It sounds like you have really good insight about your issues. The thing that I wanted to contribute is that the times I've debated canceling appointments or not going to the support group I used to co-facilitate were the times I really needed to go.

[Rainydaiz]

Thanks jaynedough. I'm sure you're right. It's such a hard process isn't it?! Sure one day I'll look back and see it has helped though. Hope so anyway! Much appreciated.

[StillIRise]

It really is an excruciating process and when you're IN it, It's hard to step back and work out why you feel so awful!

I'd just like to say I sent a very similar email to my T once and it was a bit of a breakthrough moment because I'd finally told someone they had upset me and why... and he didn't respond by pushing me away, he was really open to discussing it and adapting according to what I had said I needed.

Definitely share this with your T and have a hug from me, it's really hard!

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you StillIRise. This site is wonderful. So lovely to be amongst people who get it- who understand. Thank you for the hug. Sending one back. Very grateful to all.

[Rainydaiz]

Now panicking that she is planning to terminate me and that's why she's trying to make me stand on my own two feet. Argh!

[unaluna]

"Stand on your own two feet" is a telling metaphor. Its the phase of - the word is on the tip of my tongue - when youre just learning to walk and explore but you still need your mother. How your mother handles this first break between you pretty much sets the stage for each growth period ever after. If you take off, will she still be there when you come back? Or will she be mad and say, well obviously you dont need me anymore, youre on your own now. How did HER mother handle this phase with her? Im still paying for what my grandmother said to my mother, way before i was even born. And my t is paying for it too, as i move glacially thru the phases now. I was afraid if i had one good weekend, that was it - he would be done with me. SO not true.

Re-something is the word... its french...

[SoupDragon]

I think it's really great that LL was able to share with T that she wasn't giving her what she needed and also that LL was able to express this as anger.

Others might get it wrong T's included and what's most damaging to us is not that they get it wrong, but that we don't tell them.

Soup

[Rainydaiz]

Thanks hankster. Yes it is a telling phrase isn't it. It's amazing how scared I am of abandonment. I texted her to ask whether she would leave me and she said she had no plans to. Hard to trust for some reason. But I get why.- it totally make sense.

[Syra]

I thought your letter was really clear, honest, and owned your own stuff. I liked the letter. Could I use it for a model for me - not sure if I would send it, but it might help me clarify, and then I could decide if I send it, if it's okay to use it for a model.

[unaluna]

Rapprochement! I slept on it

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I think it's really great that LL was able to share with T that she wasn't giving her what she needed and also that LL was able to express this as anger.

Others might get it wrong T's included and what's most damaging to us is not that they get it wrong, but that we don't tell them.

Soup

Thanks Soup; that has been my default mode for years. I have started sharing scary stuff with my t and it has been ok so far. What I think is scaring me is that she's trying to give me independence and I'm far from ready. I hope she really listens on Wed. My parents brought us up so independent that they never did anything for us. I appreciate your post thank you.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by Syra

I thought your letter was really clear, honest, and owned your own stuff. I liked the letter. Could I use it for a model for me - not sure if I would send it, but it might help me clarify, and then I could decide if I send it, if it's okay to use it for a model.

Of course and thank you. I'm glad it seemed clear to you when you don't know the situation - that's reassuring because I was so emotional there was a danger it didn't make sense. Please feel free to use however it helps you most.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by hankster

Rapprochement! I slept on it

Brill thanks Hankster I'll google now.

Just want to let you know its so good that you know its about your mum really. I too share many similar feelings about my mum/T. Im in your corner if you want to chat.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

Just want to let you know its so good that you know its about your mum really. I too share many similar feelings about my mum/T. Im in your corner if you want to chat.

Thank you for that. Yes, chatting would be good. I've not been on this site long and I'm not too familiar with how things work though. So I don't know how to chat.

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

Thank you for that. Yes, chatting would be good. I've not been on this site long and I'm not too familiar with how things work though. So I don't know how to chat.

You can send a message to me on my profile