[rainbow8]

I was feeling very vulnerable a little while ago, and anxious about family possibly driving to visit over the holiday. I also was worried about T, as she could be going alone to visit her family. Just a guess. In addition, I've been feeling shaky, which is probably a blood sugar issue. Plus my H and his illness. The only thing I feel good about is my therapy and relationship with my T.

So, I wrote all the above, but much more, and then added how good I feel about her and therapy. I said it feels like love, not romantic love, but pure love. I wrote that it transcends thoughts about the money and being her job. I posted part of that in monalisa's thread. I said it made me teary-eyed. Then I wrote those words: I love you. I've signed a few emails "Love", and hinted at loving her, in my sessions, but never directly said or wrote "I love you." I feel so vulnerable now! I don't expect her to say it back; she won't and that's fine. It's just that I admitted it to her, and it's true. I know it's progress that it doesn't feel like romantic love, but I feel too exposed now. That's what I feel! Exposed!! I meant what I wrote, but it makes me want to cry to have written it. Does this make sense at all?

[Ad Intra]

Yes it does. Your T is a safe place for you. Please let us know how this develops.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Yes it makes sense. I think your T already knew you loved her. I bet they are used to it, but most are trained not to say it back. I bet she does love you in a certain way, though.

[BonnieJean]

It makes you feel vulnerable because you've expressed your feelings and don't know her reaction or response. You just think she won't express it back. I can understand feeling emotional having gotten it out there. Makes sense.

[Freewilled]

Rainbow - do you think that it is related to how your expression of feelings growing up was received? It makes a lot of sense to me, regardless, for you to feel like crying since sending her the email. You expressed very meaningful feelings and you don't know how your T will respond. Plus, you said she won't say it back. That's hard in and of itself.

Your post made me think about how I feel about my T (I do care about him) and how it is very hard for me to share those feelings with him. So I don't. And why is it so hard for me? It just made me wonder aloud to myself how my parents responded to that part of me.....and I'm gonna have to ponder if it's at all related...

Thank you for your post, rainbow. And for your ability to take such a big risk with your T. It's ok that you are feeling vulnerable. It makes so much sense in the context of all the things you have going on right now and with the holidays. Take care

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

Yes it does. Your T is a safe place for you. Please let us know how this develops.

Thanks. I've been seeing my T for almost 5 years and she knows how I feel about her. It's just "those actual words." They scare me.

Originally Posted by HowDoYouFeelMeow?

Yes it makes sense. I think your T already knew you loved her. I bet they are used to it, but most are trained not to say it back. I bet she does love you in a certain way, though.

Yes, as I wrote above. She knows, and we've talked round about how she won't say "I love you" to me because she saves that for family and very close friends, I guess. I don't remember her exact words, but she did say she cares for me deeply. I don't need the words from her, but I think it was important that I say them. I can't say them in person, though. I oncde said "the baby parts love you" or "the teenage part" is in love with you. This was different; at least it felt different to me.

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

It makes you feel vulnerable because you've expressed your feelings and don't know her reaction or response. You just think she won't express it back. I can understand feeling emotional having gotten it out there. Makes sense.

Thank you. I already know she won't say it back since we discussed it once, but I didn't say the words directly to her. I know her reaction, if any, will be accepting, and maybe that's what I'm afraid of. It's important because it's real, and not my pattern. I could leave therapy if I had to; I'd still love her, but I would be all right. That's huge for me.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Rainbow - do you think that it is related to how your expression of feelings growing up was received? It makes a lot of sense to me, regardless, for you to feel like crying since sending her the email. You expressed very meaningful feelings and you don't know how your T will respond. Plus, you said she won't say it back. That's hard in and of itself.

Your post made me think about how I feel about my T (I do care about him) and how it is very hard for me to share those feelings with him. So I don't. And why is it so hard for me? It just made me wonder aloud to myself how my parents responded to that part of me.....and I'm gonna have to ponder if it's at all related...

Thank you for your post, rainbow. And for your ability to take such a big risk with your T. It's ok that you are feeling vulnerable. It makes so much sense in the context of all the things you have going on right now and with the holidays. Take care

Thank you. I don't think my T will respond at all to those words because she knows how I feel. I'm the one who has to tell her how meaningful it is for me to be able to write them directly in one sentence without disclaimers or apologies.

Your response made me think, too. I always signed letters to my parents "love" but I don't remember saying "I love you". I knew they loved me and I loved them, but the problem was that those feelings weren't expressed a lot. Not until I was an adult with kids, did I say I love you often to anyone. Not even to my husband. It's hard to say those words. My T might understand that. I never felt comfortable enough with my other Ts to tell them or write it to them, even though I may have felt it. It's the expression of love that's always been hard for me. I will be embarrassed when I see my T.

I think what you wrote is beautiful. I too feel embarrassed at something I wrote to my T, I don't know what the embarrassment means seeing as I really meant it.

[musinglizzy]

My T knows I love her and that she means the world to me. She's not told me she loves me, but when I questioned her about love in therapy, she said "without love in the mix, this wouldn't work." So in the context it was said, she loves me, but didn't actually say it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think what you wrote is beautiful. I too feel embarrassed at something I wrote to my T, I don't know what the embarrassment means seeing as I really meant it.

I think it's because love is so powerful. For me, it's also been erotic transference, and I also had a crush on her, so I'm embarrassed about those feelings. Now I feel like the baby, teenage, and adult feelings are all part of the feeling of love for her. It's such a BIG feeling of sharing myself with her. It's embarrassing because it's so strong and makes me feel a lot. I can't put into words so maybe it's mostly the preverbal love a baby feels when its connected to its mother.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

My T knows I love her and that she means the world to me. She's not told me she loves me, but when I questioned her about love in therapy, she said "without love in the mix, this wouldn't work." So in the context it was said, she loves me, but didn't actually say it.

I agree that love, or at least deep mutual caring is essential for most successful therapy. I put "most" in for you, stopdog.

[musinglizzy]

My T has been checking in a little bit today via text.
So I wrote her an Email earlier this evening...and in it, I told her I loved her, and told her why. She has told me countless times I can say anything I want....so I just did!

[ECHOES]

remember that she knows you well

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

remember that she knows you well

Thanks, ECHOES. You're right. I just feel a little ashamed to feel so much for my t. I feel guilty because I don't feel that for my H. Or maybe I do but I'm afraid of love. Also, baby and Mommy love is different. My t is calm and safe. Not anxious like my Mom was, so she's giving me something I never had that makes me love her. I have to stop trying to figure it out because it's from my heart, not my head.

[rainbow8]

I just got an email from my T. I thought I was reading it wrong!! She signed it "sending love to you."

[BonnieJean]

What a warm response! That's great.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

What a warm response! That's great.

It was TOTALLY unexpected. A few years ago she told me the word love is for her family and close friends! She wouldn't say " I love you". I know that, but I'm still amazed she wrote "sending love". I thinks she's more relaxed with me because I'm changing and Im not so needy. She's changing too! I wrote back that I'm only obsessing a little, and that love is scary but nice!