[rainbow8]

My session on Tuesday raised more questions than answers! I brought up our email exchange about love, and she asked how it made me feel. I said "scared", but couldn't exactly explain why. I said that I spontaneously wrote " I love you " in my email and asked if she did it that way, or did she think about it. She said she just felt it, so wrote it! I said that it was so unexpected and she said "maybe she's changing too. She said she's human, and a person too. But she did say it's like affection, love. She's not sure what love is. She's said that before!

When she held my hand, my other hand was fidgeting so she commented on it. Asked if I knew why I was doing that. I said something about distracting myself from feelings. Then I said I'm afraid and feel ashamed about the " love stuff." I'm not used to people sending love to me. We talked about my not saying I love you to my parents and not knowing if they said it to me. I felt loved but the words weren't used.

I don't know why I feel so afraid, and so ashamed. I was okay when I closed my eyes and was mindful of T's hand feeling so safe. I said "things are okay, everything is all right" when I'm holding your hand. She makes me feel safe. But I feel triggered by the shame and fear, though I'm okay now. I don't know what's going on with me.

[jelly-bean]

I hope that your T can help you figure this one out. You deserved to feel and be loved and it is very say that you are ashamed of it.

Hello rainbow8: I have to say that, to me, it sounds as though there are some complicated mixed messages going on here. Perhaps it's just me, but I've never had this kind of "intimate" (meaning: close) encounter with a therapist. It may all be perfectly professional & therapeutic. But the exchange of "I love you"s, the hand holding, & discussion around not knowing what love is, feels to me like it could engender all sorts of mixed feelings. I'm not at all surprised that you felt triggered by shame & fear. And, I must emphasize that this is just me talking, but my inclination would be to question what's going on with the therapeutic relationship not with you. My best wishes to you...

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

I hope that your T can help you figure this one out. You deserved to feel and be loved and it is very say that you are ashamed of it.

Thanks, jelly-bean. I do think my T and I will figure it out but it may take awhile.

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello rainbow8: I have to say that, to me, it sounds as though there are some complicated mixed messages going on here. Perhaps it's just me, but I've never had this kind of "intimate" (meaning: close) encounter with a therapist. It may all be perfectly professional & therapeutic. But the exchange of "I love you"s, the hand holding, & discussion around not knowing what love is, feels to me like it could engender all sorts of mixed feelings. I'm not at all surprised that you felt triggered by shame & fear. And, I must emphasize that this is just me talking, but my inclination would be to question what's going on with the therapeutic relationship not with you. My best wishes to you...

Thanks for your concern. If I didn't know the whole situation, I'd question what's going on too! My T is totally professional. She just finished the 3 year course to be certified as a somatic experiencing practitioner. She spent many hours learning how to use touch in therapy. Holding her hand is for the specific purpose of regulating my nervous system.

As far as exchanging I love yous, that's not exactly how it was. I've been seeing her over 5 years, and used to have different parts ( she does Internal Family Systems therapy) who loved her or were in love with her. Parts according to IFS. I don't have DID. I was kind of miserable and obsessed with my T.

I'm different now. I emailed her and said those words because I feel so good about the therapeutic relationship now. The love I feel is normal, even the Mommy/baby part which I know is transference. My T, who has always told me she cares a lot about me, wrote "sending love to you." She never wrote that before, so I was surprised. She doesn't care differently than she did before. My feelings are from the past, I assume.

A couple of years ago we discussed love, whether it was okay for me to love her. That's when she first said what is love anyway?" She means that people interpret love differently, and there are so many different kinds. After 5 years of working together, my T wrote what she spontaneously felt, and she meant deep affection, which is simplified as "love."

My T uses different methods than most, but out of 5 Ts, she's the only one who has made any headway with my attachment issues.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I can totally relate to almost everything you wrote. I feel embarrassed and ashamed about loving my T. I understand loving family, friends, and pets, but loving my T who is my age just feels odd. My family rarely said "love", and now the word is passed around all the time without a deeper meaning. So to actually express a true feeling of love is difficult.

I talked to my T awhile back about love. I asked her to define love, if she loved me, if I loved her. She told me that most languages over simplify the meaning of love. She also said that each person has their own definition of love. So she told me that I needed to define it for myself. She didn't tell me if she loved me, but it's okay if I perceive her to. She told me to reflect more on my definition of love and bring it up in the future.

My T has said to me that she wants me to feel safe and loved when I'm with her, and she has said that her concern comes from a place of love. I asked her to confirm if that's what I heard and she said she did say those things. But she also said she would leave it up to me to interrupt it.

I do not find your relationship with your T to be weird or abnormal. Love is an important part of life, so why not discuss it in therapy? And I am one that believes that touch can be very therapeutic.

I have never directly said or written "I love you" to my T. I'm not ready yet and am still trying to define what love means to me. But I do think it can and should be discussed in therapy.

And you're not alone about feeling fear and shame about it

[Depletion]

Oh rainbow, I really feel the same way. I've been thinking this week how I was taught that there is no dignity in needing other people. I feel so angry about this and it makes it so hard for me to feel love. Hopefully, you will slowly be able to accept your T's love, I'm trying to work on that at the moment myself.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I can totally relate to almost everything you wrote. I feel embarrassed and ashamed about loving my T. I understand loving family, friends, and pets, but loving my T who is my age just feels odd. My family rarely said "love", and now the word is passed around all the time without a deeper meaning. So to actually express a true feeling of love is difficult.

I talked to my T awhile back about love. I asked her to define love, if she loved me, if I loved her. She told me that most languages over simplify the meaning of love. She also said that each person has their own definition of love. So she told me that I needed to define it for myself. She didn't tell me if she loved me, but it's okay if I perceive her to. She told me to reflect more on my definition of love and bring it up in the future.

My T has said to me that she wants me to feel safe and loved when I'm with her, and she has said that her concern comes from a place of love. I asked her to confirm if that's what I heard and she said she did say those things. But she also said she would leave it up to me to interrupt it.

I do not find your relationship with your T to be weird or abnormal. Love is an important part of life, so why not discuss it in therapy? And I am one that believes that touch can be very therapeutic.

I have never directly said or written "I love you" to my T. I'm not ready yet and am still trying to define what love means to me. But I do think it can and should be discussed in therapy.

And you're not alone about feeling fear and shame about it

Thank you very much for your reply, Scarlet. I like what your T said about love. She sounds like a wonderful T! I still don't know where my feelings are coming from. I emailed T some of my thoughts, which are along the lines of fear that she will die, or why would she love me when I've said mean things to her, and I'm too fat. Fear that she will change her mind. Shame is about her knowing that I love her, though she already knew it. But, those thoughts don't seem like IT. There's something more. I feel it but don't know what IT is!

Originally Posted by Depletion

Oh rainbow, I really feel the same way. I've been thinking this week how I was taught that there is no dignity in needing other people. I feel so angry about this and it makes it so hard for me to feel love. Hopefully, you will slowly be able to accept your T's love, I'm trying to work on that at the moment myself.

Thank you for understanding. Love is complicated! Good luck to you too.