[ScarletPimpernel]

I have been hurting so much.

My T is going to a conference next week so she'll miss our session. I already miss her

Today's session was rough. A lot was discussed though. We kinda got into a little argument. She said that I'm labeling her and pushing her away. She asked what is the benefit of seeing her. She told me that she's on my side and that she's not fighting me.

We talked about my co-dependency to her (I hate that word). That was a difficult and embarrassing conversation. I still have an issue being attached to someone younger than me. I told her I feared her pushing me away because I'm too "needy". She said that we won't start working on distancing until I no longer panic over the idea.

We also talked about:
* My need to always prove things to her (she got mad at a spreadsheet I made to pro e to her all the people I've lost).
* About how I'm upset over her missing next week.
* About boundaries, how I respect hers but also how I constantly fear over-stepping them.
* About my fear of her being mad or upset at me.
* How I easily lose connection to her.
* How the trauma I've experienced has affected me emotionally, has caused me to be overly sensitive, but has also allowed me to love people so deeply.
* About how she cares about me and worries about me.
* About my boyfriend being verbally abusive again.

And she promised she wasn't going to leave me. She also said she'll email me sometime next week. She wouldn't tell me when because she wants to surprise me. She also said that I can email her and she will read them, but I can't call her

It's only one extra week. Why is it so difficult? Why do I lose my connection? Especially, when all her words and actions have only proved to me she cares and is safe. I wish I could just "snap out of it".

[AstridLovelight]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I don't really have any answers or advice, I just wanted to say hang in there. I hope posting and reading here can help offer some solace through the coming week

[guilloche]

I'm sorry you've been hurting so much lately, and that your T is leaving in the middle of that. Sounds like bad timing on her part

She told me that she's on my side and that she's not fighting me.

Were you able to feel that from your conversation? That's a big issue for me (being "on my side") that I had talked to my T about from very early on. I know it's easy to lose that feeling... I hope your T was able to help you get it back!

We talked about my co-dependency to her (I hate that word).

I'm not sure I understand this? I thought we were supposed to attach to our Ts, to help us heal our stuff? I though co-dependency was something entirely different and less healthy?

It's only one extra week. Why is it so difficult? Why do I lose my connection? Especially, when all her words and actions have only proved to me she cares and is safe. I wish I could just "snap out of it".

I wish I knew what to say. It's hard. I wonder if the "why" has to do with what you wrote to me (in the thread about SAT scores) - you have a LOT of experience with people rejecting or abandoning you. There's part of your brain that says, "Oh... wait a second... you're going out of town, you're cancelling our normal session... oh no! I KNOW what this is about! I've been down this road before - NO!!!"

That's what my brain does, anyway . And it feels true, because to your brain, it IS. I mean, if you've seen a similar pattern 100 times... how do you convince yourself that "oh this one is different". I think it's meant to be adaptive, to help us identify and avoid dangerous or painful situations, but... clearly that whole mechanism gets screwed up if we come from an environment that is FULL of dangerous/screwed up situations and people.

Hang in there ScarletPimpernel! And, I hope you can find some relief in the nice things that your T said! I know it's hard to believe them (for me too!) but sometimes it helps a bit to just replay the nice parts in your mind.. maybe?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I'm sorry you've been hurting so much lately, and that your T is leaving in the middle of that. Sounds like bad timing on her part

She gave me way advanced notice about the conference because she knows I struggle when she has to miss a session.

Originally Posted by guilloche

I'm not sure I understand this? I thought we were supposed to attach to our Ts, to help us heal our stuff? I though co-dependency was something entirely different and less healthy?

It's my level of attachment. I know it's not healthy. I depend on her to stay alive. It puts a huge burden on her, one that no one wants. It's extreme because I have been so deprived of feeling cared for both in the past and present. But it also serves its purpose. W/o it, I could never develop the connection with her. And she knows this. She told me that she wants to give me all the support I need, but she just can't do that. So she provides me as much as she can. But it's times like these when she can't be there which makes the attachment dangerous.

Originally Posted by guilloche

I wonder if the "why" has to do with what you wrote to me (in the thread about SAT scores) - you have a LOT of experience with people rejecting or abandoning you. There's part of your brain that says, "Oh... wait a second... you're going out of town, you're cancelling our normal session... oh no! I KNOW what this is about! I've been down this road before - NO!!!"

That's what my brain does, anyway . And it feels true, because to your brain, it IS. I mean, if you've seen a similar pattern 100 times... how do you convince yourself that "oh this one is different". I think it's meant to be adaptive, to help us identify and avoid dangerous or painful situations, but... clearly that whole mechanism gets screwed up if we come from an environment that is FULL of dangerous/screwed up situations and people.

You know, it's always interesting how someone can give advice or support and not realize that what they are saying (or writing) applies to them too. It's kind of a "duh" moment. It's why we can relate.

Yeah, my past has taught me that people leave. But it's frustrating because my reaction is overly extreme (imo). I understand the logic behind the situation: T going to conference to learn more, then spending time on a mini vacation with family, she promised to not leave me, she cares about me, etc. I understand the logic behind the emotions: I fear people leaving me due to my past, I fear having a crisis and being alone. But the emotions still exist, and it's frustrating!!! Similar to you, I kinda feel guilty for my feelings and doubts. She has proven herself to me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Yet the fears still come up.

I will definitely be trying to hold onto and remind myself of all the ways my T has showed me she cares. Right now, I find the most comforting things are the long hug she gave me today, that she actually used the word promise when I asked her to not leave me, and that sometime next week I know she will email me.

It just hurts and is scary.

Thank you Guilloche

[guilloche]

Hi ScarletPimpernel!

I'm glad she gave you lots of advance notice, at least... much better than finding out about it at the last minute! And, thanks for the explanation of the codependency - I see what you mean. I'm sorry it's so hard, I can see how if the person that keeps you alive disappears, even with lots of notice, it can be really scary. Of course, that makes sense (you depend on her to stay alive, she goes away, what happens to you!?) It sounds bigger than abandonment when you think of it like that (and abandonment is already pretty huge)!

Yeah, it's funny how you can be writing something for someone else and realize, "Oh! I get it! This is for me too!" I think it's one of the wonderful things about a forum like this, you end up supporting yourself along with everyone else, in a way that you can't really do when you're just home alone thinking!

And I get the logic versus emotions thing. It sucks! I wish emotions were logical!!! It feels crazy (to me!) to know all the right answers, but still be stuck with a crummy emotion that doesn't make logical sense and seems like it shouldn't be there, and then to add the bad feelings about the non-sensible emotion on top of all that. Yuck! It's too much! I wish I had a good answer to it all! Somehow the idea of just "accepting emotions" feels really not useful!

Good luck... and I hope you can hold on to that hug, and all the ways your T shows you that she cares! I know it gets said alot, but could you maybe use the free time/money from not having T to do something nice for yourself (or to buy yourself a present)? It's not the same as seeing T, but maybe it's a small way to create a sense of being cared about?

(((ScarletPimpernel)))