need to vent

So I've been seeing a new counselor weekly for about two months now. And I feel like we're still in the 'getting to know you phase.' But today's session really bothered me and I wanted some feedback.

First a little background. I'm seeing her for a variety of reasons, but mainly to help get over a fear I have of taking medications. I had a bad year medication wise. In the late winter I developed severe hyponatremia, probably exacerbated by the SSRI I was on. Then I was put on Saphris and had a rough time on that. Finally, this summer I was prescribed klonopin and had a paradoxical reaction to it which triggered either a month-long dysphoric mania or a month long non-stop panic attack, or something. All I know is that it was crazy and wrecked my life and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. So I've been off all meds (except for prazosin) for five months now, and that's been it's own special hell.

I moved back in with my mom this fall, relocating from North Carolina to Virginia, because I was doing so poorly. Finally found a pdoc up here and I feel like he misdiagnosed me and prescribed zoloft. Now, I was just diagnosed in NC as BP1 in August . . . and I think that's the correct diagnosis.
So I don't want to take zoloft . . . I'm worried it'll trigger another dysphoric mania. And being told, "You won't know until you try," isn't very consoling. Cause if I freak out on it the pdoc will be safely ensconced in his ivory tower while I'm going through hell.

Anyway, to get to the point . . . . I don't want the zoloft, I want to go back on seroquel .... which the new pdoc wouldn't prescribe until our next appointment (on Dec 23). My counselor knows all this, but yet today she accused me of not wanting to get better because I refuse the zoloft.

I feel so hurt and betrayed and misunderstood by that statement. After all the tears and pain, therapy, medications and unanswered prayers I've gone through not just this past year but the past four years, to have her imply I don't want to get better just drives me up the wall. The past four years I've been begging and pleading for help from someone and then to be told I don't want to get better . . . grrrrrr. It's not my fault that I have bipolar and have been misdiagnosed by this new dr, it's not my fault that I have weird reactions to meds and am scared of them. I feel like my counselor is blaming me.

I know, I know, I should bring it up at our next session .... but right now I'm not sure there's going to be a next session. Anyway, thanks for reading this long-winded rant.

Hi Astrid, sorry you are having some anxiety about medicine. It is hard to hear what your t said. It is standard practice for a pdoc to prescribe a medicine based on their technical knowledge of how the drug works.

Trying it is the only way to find out. If you are having a tough time then it is a calculated risk that will at least give them some feedback. Ask the pdoc if you can try a very small amount and build up (use a pill cutter if possible) - this will give you a smaller more gradual change. If things are getting out of control then you can ask the pdoc to change.

A friend did seroquel and it did nothing for them. Our own preferences are often not based on technical knowledge available to a pdoc.

here is some useful info about drug prescriptions and dealing with your pdoc.
Psych Central - Medication Library

You're not going to want to hear this but I think you need both a new T and new pdoc. It sounds like you are
completely misunderstood by those two. If you think you are BP1 you sure don't need to go through another manic spell. And your T should be supporting you if you have shared with her your story.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I hope things get better quickly.

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Thanks for the input, but I've been on seroquel before and it helped me and I want to go back on it. SSRI's have not been helpful. So it's not just a random whim that I'm basing all of this on. It's not my first rodeo. But again, I appreciate your sharing your opinion.

And thank you so much rockymtngal, I greatly appreciate the support I do feel misunderstood by them both. But I have an appointment with another pdoc at the end of the month.

Wow... I'm sorry that your T and Pdoc seem to be missing the boat with you, not listening to your concerns, and generally not being helpful.

That amazes me that your T would be so dismissive (to accuse you of not wanting to get better) when you're very actively not only trying to get better, but trying to use your knowledge of how you've reacted in the past to keep yourself safe.

Good for you for advocating for yourself, and for paying attention to your symptoms and medications! And, I hope you can find a T (and pdoc!) who are actually able to help you, and not make things harder!

Thank you so much, guilloche. I feel like you actually heard and understood what I was saying. And I needed that