[IndestructibleGirl]

How do you cope with looking at your life and seeing all the weeks/ months/ years spent feeling in pain, not good enough, engaged in self destructive behaviours, hopeless, or generally at sea?

Life is really short and we only get one crack at it. No matter how I can change myself via therapy, there is stuff I can't ever change outside my control.

For example I have a medical appointment on Wednesday that I feel sick about already. The outcome dictates whether I might become very disabled if the illness keeps progressing. It's also invasive and physically uncomfortable and I.****i#g.hate.it.

If I become this disabled, I can't work. If I can't work, I lose my home and haven't a clue what to do. My real mother doesn't even know I have this appointment, because she just doesn't have it in her to ask and keep up with where I'm at. She certainly is no support, she can't help me build a life. I've drained her by being in such turmoil and pain for over ten years.

My therapist is coming to this appointment, and it is great to have that support of somebody being with me. But I want a family. All this wasted time, and years of it stretching out ahead...what is the point? No matter how I change, it doesn't seem like it can ever be enough, not to stop the slide into disability, and subsequent poverty and chronic loneliness.

Is therapy sometimes just a painkiller that offers temporary relief, rather than a cure?

I feel like I have given in finally to heavyweight depression again. I haven't left the house for three days. All I've done is sleep and drink some water and take meds. Though I did cook a little this evening. Can depression make you feel numb and totally devoid of hope for days at a time? I am used to a day of severe pain - sometimes to the point of madness and hurting myself - but then feeling sparks of hope the next day or at least the day after that.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Yes, you can have moments of hope or numbness from depression.

Depending on where you live, you might be able to get assistance if you do wind up being disabled. I know here, Section 8 does or used to help first time disabled home buyers pay the down payment. There must be some sort of assistance out there to help you keep your house if you can't work due to a disability.

I would suggest to start researching some different government assistance programs or grants. Maybe even contact an advocate. You could even contact your senator, congressman, governor, or mayor. You might even try contacting your local crisis line to see if maybe they have resources. And if you know of any crisis houses near by, they usually have a ton of resources for housing (though most probably won't help...but it may).

[musinglizzy]

I feel ya. Totally. I've wondered how different my life might be now if I had a different upbringing. In fact, that was just brought up at my last session. It's amazing how the actions (or lack, there of) of others can appear to dictate someone's life. Of course, it's my fault for letting that happen, but that's why I'm in therapy.

But one thing I don't like about therapy is...a lot of us are there because of lacking something in our lives, now and/or in the past, and if we feel we get that from our T, eventually we lose our T too. My T has given me quite a list of all of the things I "missed out" on.... listening to her talk about my life is rather depressing in itself. Sometimes while I sit and listen to her tell me what a bad hand I was dealt, I think to myself of how continuously being reminded of it is going to make things better. So far, it's made me feel worse in a way. I hear this list of all these things she says I need in my life....and I think to myself "why am I here? She isn't here to give me those things." And if I feel like I'm getting one of those things from her, I know that's wrong too. I'm not supposed to be going to a therapist to "get love." I need to find that in my own life.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you. I am in the UK, disability assistance is limited, and...well, I don't want it to be the sum total of my life. I'm not yet 30, I don't want to scrape by on benefits for thirty more years becoming more and more decrepit. I'd rather die. And I say that as somebody who is not suicidal right now, at all. I just want an autonomous life where I have adequate energy to take proper care of myself rather than lead a ramshackle existance.

I have succumbed and taken so much valium tonight, and it still hasn't made me not care. I just feel wobbly. Ffs. Where is there to turn once valium stops working?

[musinglizzy]

I switched from Valium to Xanax. Perhaps that can help you.

Psychotherapy can help physical illnesses to, the mind and body are interconnected, therapy may help your health, hope the appointment goes well.

[Partless]

IndestructibleGirl, oh I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It was tough for me to read. I hope your appointment goes well and the worst case scenario doesn't happen.

p.s. also please remain strong because you are "indestructible" girl. Because if you let things destroy part of your spirit, then what are you going to do with your name? "Indestructible-but-once-in-a-while-destructible girl"? That's too long of a name and you will not be allowed to use it. So for the sake of forum rules, remain strong, we need you to be the strong one.

Wasted time,right,i lost almost 10 years of my whole life trying to understand my identity,trying to fight with self insecurities,low self esteem and self confidence,i just wasted all that time doing nothing and now i feel so bad for it.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

How do you cope with looking at your life and seeing all the weeks/ months/ years spent feeling in pain, not good enough, engaged in self destructive behaviours, hopeless, or generally at sea?...

There are of course things you cannot change - as a young person the so called wasted years cannot be so very many, and were they really completely wasted? I find that people seldom are as bad as they feel. They despair over their struggles. But I can often see persistence, courage, endurance and many good or praiseworthy things as they deal as best they can with difficult (very difficult I expect) situations.

I hope your illness does not incapacitate you, and that your therapy gives you insight into how you can make the best of what one trusts will be along life. At 58 I don't statistically don't have that many years, but I am investing in therapy to try to make the best of them.

I don't know if it helped/might help at all but I do hope the blog I sent you by my brother in law can be some comfort to you over this difficult period.
From what yoy describe, your situation has so many parallels with his: he too faced a diagnosis of progressive severe disability, he was also around 30, he was also single and he also suffered with depression. As you know, he received the worst possible news, and he had to grieve the loss of how he thought his life would be. He then realised he could still find space for himself, and parkinsons disease didn't have to define him. He still had a future.
At the moment, you don't have a diagnosis but I know the waiting is almost as painful as the diagnosis. I'm glad T is going with you to the appointment. I wish you all the best, and remember that even if the worst scenario comes true, there is still space for you.