[Petra5ed]

Is this just me? My therapist obviously cares about me. There have been countless little things he's said or done, yet it only takes one action or word for me to completely discount it all. For example he says he cares, yada yada, then he's 5 minutes late and I'm questioning again. Why do I do that? This isn't based on anything I'm dealing with right now, just thinking back on a pattern.

Hello Petra5ed: I don't know the answer to this. But what I would presume is that the reaction you have & the feeling you experience is as a result of neuronal pathways that were forged in your brain over the course of your life. Some of this could also be due to genetics. But, basically, the electrical impulses in your brain have certain preferred pathways they've worn over the years. And so, unless & until new alternative pathways are formed , those little electrical impulses will just keep scampering around the same old pathways... That's my theory at least.

[precaryous]

I do that too. You are not alone.

[harvest moon]

I do that all the time. As a matter of fact, that is one of my main issues that I want to work on with my T. I know that in my case it stems from childhood: not having emotional stability, as well as being abandoned and emotionally/physically abused, criticized etc etc, has led to me being extremely sensitive to others' actions, words, and observant of the slightest change in things, which makes me be constantly on guard, waiting to get hurt. So every time my T seems just a bit more distant or cold, I immediately erase from memory all his actions/words that prove he genuinely cares, and the only truth I can experience is his coldness and distance. It is painful indeed. It's like a well that cannot be filled.

[Virginia1991]

I could have written this post word for word. In fact, I had a thread similar last week. I wish I knew the answer to this. Last session my t was 5 minutes late and I emailed her that night telling her she hates me, doesn't want to see me, and does it on purpose. That was two weeks ago and I haven't emailed or texted since (which is unusual for me). She has showed me in many ways that she cares but when something like this happens it is like none of that matters. I feel so rejected. I wish I knew the answer to this. I can certainly relate.

[Virginia1991]

My thought processes as to why I do this is similar to harvest moon's.

[SabinaS]

No, I do this also. I connect it back to not being able to rely on or trust the care and love I received early on. It's hard going, isn't it?

[shadow-girl]

I do it too, it is very hard to believe someone cares sometimes. I don't do it all the time but sometimes I can't get out of that way of thinking so yeah, I can totally relate

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do it also It's what other people have posted... I had a lot of love and care and then the person abandons me. I just can't trust that things will remain stable. So if there is even one thing that seems to threaten the relationship, I panic. It's dumb. I know I'm doing it. But I can't let the feeling go w/o some sort of reassurance. I will either push my T away or emotionally beat myself up till I know that everything is okay again. And I constantly need reassurance. It's irritating to both me and the other person.

How to stop it? No clue. I just keep bringing it up over and over and over again. I'm hoping one of these days my brain gets it and knocks it off

[lunatic soul]

Me too. I think its a problem.
Person says he cares about you. Then you ask him again- do you really care about me?
My T was even sad and said that no matter how much times he says it, I still dont believe and ask.one question thousand times.

For me it's not what T 'gets right' that counts, it's when she's gets things 'wrong'... I asked T why? It's as if I get her to jump so many hoops, but if she fails one, than everything falls apart for me.
T said, it's because things went wrong, more than they went right growing up, so I haven't got any resistance to things going 'wrong', which they do sometimes as people are not perfect, so when T does something that I feels let's me down than all that old stuff gets rehashed.

It's actually a paradox in therapy for me, when we are focused on what's gone wrong and I'm angry in not getting enough, that it actually feels enough.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Is this just me? My therapist obviously cares about me. There have been countless little things he's said or done, yet it only takes one action or word for me to completely discount it all. For example he says he cares, yada yada, then he's 5 minutes late and I'm questioning again. Why do I do that? This isn't based on anything I'm dealing with right now, just thinking back on a pattern.

I don't want to get preachy, but this is what I have discovered for myself about this. No human being, therapist or not, will be able to give us all love and care we want no matter how caring and loving they may be. Human beings are limited by design and none of them can be The Source of the other one's happiness. When I realized that, I stopped searching for yet another human who can compensate me for everything I've been deprived of. I no longer chase the dream where someone can become an ultimate solution for all my life's problems because that dream is an illusion. The only thing I regret is that I wasted too many years of my life on this fantasy while I could've been doing many other things that could've made me happier and more fulfilled. I get what I need from my spiritual part and that's why I am not obsessed with relationships. That's not to say that I don't value relationships with certain people because I absolutely do. I am happy to have certain people in my life, but they are not the center of the universe for me and I don't place my happiness into their hands or anyone's hands.