[Tongalee]

Hi all,

Do my therapy is on hold for the holidays and while I'm not obsessively missing my therapist, I am sitting acknowledging her absence for me currently.

My question is, how do you all tend to act in therapy when you return from breaks? Do you find yourselves mad at your therapists for leaving and therefore ignore them or say harsh things to them? Do you jump into excited conversation to tell them all about your time without them? I feel like the last time we returned from break, I had a hard time connecting to her and we spent days and weeks attempting to regain the trust we had started with. Anyone have a similar experience?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Typically, I lose my connection to her. I miss her so much and then, I guess, I emotionally push her away to minimize the pain. So when I see her again, the trust and safety is gone.

But it has gotten better for me. First time, it took me like 3 months to feel fully connected to her again. Second time, it took me 1 month. This last time was actually last week. I was able to stay inbtwn acting on my neediness and desire to push her away. We were able to have a great session that day because of it. Do I feel fully connected? No, but the connection was never completely lost this time.

I think the reason it's getting easier is...
1. I'm getting used to it.
2. The longer I know her, the more she proves she is stable
3. She lets me know way in advance so I can get used to the idea
4. She provides me with a ton of reassurance beforehand
5. I have something to hold onto while she's gone or something to look forward to.
6. When she does come back, she accepts wherever I'm at emotionally and lets me take as much time as I need to re-develop the connection.

I have never felt angry with her for taking a vacation or having to miss a session. I have felt abandoned by her though. And I never ignore her or say harsh things to her.

[Tongalee]

Thanks! Could you speak a bit more on how number five helps you? My therapist offered both to have something from the office to hold onto or the leaving of something to return to. I was taken aback by each suggestion, unsure of how either would work to help

[ScarletPimpernel]

Well, my preference would be to have a stuffed animal as a tangible object to literally hold onto. But she won't do that A stuffed animal for me would be something from her that I can feel and hold when I'm struggling. She said I'll get a tangible object from her when we terminate, but it won't be a stuffed animal either.

So what I have is a letter she hand wrote me. It's a simple letter telling me to practice self-love and a quote from her favorite author. It's special because it's her writing, her hopes for me, and something that is important to her all within this single piece of paper. I also have a list that I have been adding to that lists all the ways I knows she cares for me. Lastly, I have saved every single email she has sent me. So when I miss her, I go back and read them.

She would allow me to borrow something from her office while she's gone, but she doesn't really have anything besides books and I would feel horrible if anything accidentally happened to it.

This last time she gave me something to look forward to when she was gone. I wasn't allowed to contact her by phone, but I was allowed to email. She said she would read all my emails but wouldn't respond. I asked her if she would please just email me once while she was gone. She agreed so long as she could email whenever she wanted. I agreed, and she did email me It helped because it showed that she remembered me and that she still cared.

I think for me, I just need to know she's still there and our relationship hasn't changed. That when she comes back, she is the same person. It sounds weird, but that is why I struggle when she leaves. All aspects of reassurance helps me maintain a connection. The more I have, the more evidence I have to disprove my false thoughts about her.

[Soccer mom]

It's hard because I know I can't cover everything in one session that's happened the past 2 weeks. I plan to tell her some of the things and then jump in to what's been bothering me.

I used to talk myself into the fact that she doesn't care when it was a long break. Somehow that has lessened and now I just miss her. I actually wondered why I miss her and someone pointed out that she's filling a void for me right now (due to the death of my mom). For some reason I hadn't put that together (can't see the forest for the trees, I guess).

I think it's common - even normal, if there is such a thing as "normal" - to feel less of a connection after a break.

Personally I am a little upset about the fact that T takes three weeks off (or nine or ten, if it is the summer break) and doesn't give me a second thought, while I think of him almost every day. I hate myself to the point of distraction for this resentment, and that makes it harder for me to talk at the first appointments. I have told him, before the break, how I feel, but he didn't really address it other than to say that it's good that I can tell him that. Which didn't change my feelings in any way. And Christmas is always super difficult, and T does not help me in any way to get through it (there is no reason why he would) so after the Christmas break it's a bit tentative for that reason, too. I am not about to start telling him about what has been going on with me during the break, not unless he asks - which he never does.
So yeah, hard. But it is not always equally hard. Sometimes recovering the trust and the connection is easier, sometimes it is more difficult. I don't really think it is a matter of time, for me.

i feel angry, weird, emotional, dropped, rejected and stressed on the first session back. after that i ease back into it and its fine.

We've always been able to pick right back up after a few minutes of catching up. I've gone months between sessions for various reasons with no problem starting back up again. Just always expect the need for a little catch-up conversation, but after that, we amazingly snap right back into our usual routine.

[Tongalee]

Thanks for the replies. I guess for me it seems odd that I will need to talk to her again. That at some point I need to walk into her office and sit across from her and respond. However, this is not a conversation, this is not a back and forth type on interaction. No. Instead it is me sitting being interrogated and investigated. I know it shouldn't feel like this but it does. She is going to ask me about my Christmas with my family and I'm going to be embarrassed to let her know what went on. I'm sure her holiday was lovely with her family. I'm sure she is, as we all do, some what dreading the return to work. It is disgusting to me to think that she sighs as she enters the room and dusts things off for her first client, as I count down the moments until my bottom hits that couch. I feel disappointed that I've let myself get this upset about it, but I know that going in with these feelings I will be a bear to work with. It will undoubtedly take a good little while before I can enter her room ready to talk about the hard things in my life and that's such a waste of time for her I feel like I'm failing myself out of therapy

[stopdog]

Pretty much the same as usual is my guess. She tried making reference to breaks once or twice right at the beginning, but I think I responded not as she expected a client to respond, so she has not done it in a long time.

[NowhereUSA]

Pretty much the same. If he was on vacation or whatever, I ask how it went and then just move along to whatever I want to talk about. I rib him about not taking enough time off :P I'm like, "Dude, go on a vacation!" LOL. I think his last vacation was a year or so ago for his anniversary.

[catonyx]

This is my first break so I'm not sure. I'd just assume the same as before. My T is part of a larger practise so she is bound by the practice hours... Which includes a couple weeks of being closed.

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[Mike_J]

For me I have found my anxiaty goes up when I miss a session (or more) I don't feel abandoned, I understand that she has a life, but that understanding doesn't make the anxiety any less. What has worked for me is to show up early for my session and just relaxing and trying to let go of the anxiety in the waiting room (I'm always alone there) knowing that I will be seeing my therapist soon, and she is right behind that door, helps to get rid of the anxiety before the session starts.

[musinglizzy]

Speaking of transitional objects, I had a really close call during my Monday session. I've had a lot going in in my life and my sessions lately have been filled with tears. She has this shawl/throw...it's real thin, but pretty, with fringe on the edges. I spent the entire session on Monday crying...eventually she brought it over and covered me with it. It has a satiny feel to it, and this is the second time she's done this. I had part of it balled up in my hand....and I was SO close to asking her if I could take it with me and bring it back on my next visit after Christmas. I didn't though....but the thought was strong. I've never had a feeling like that before...but I really wanted to take it with me. I see her twice next week, then she's on vacation for a week. Because of the timing, I will miss three sessions.

[Restin]

I guess therapy is finally working for me, as I used to feel such horrible separation anxiety even to wait a week, and vacations/holidays were like being on a death watch. I don't know for sure what happened, or how, but now I seem to hold the T's presence inside me much better. I'm a little worried and irritated, but its not so unbearable as years past.
I do have a much better therapist than I ever did, and I trust her much more, so I'm sure that makes a difference, too.

[musinglizzy]

BTW, I tend to be more quiet after a break. Maybe even right before. I don't want to get into anything and be left hanging. I'm feeling better about this break though, so maybe therapy is helping me feel more secure now. I know she's there by text or Email if I ever really needed her. I haven't had a break since August, so we've been on our regular twice a week schedule, except this week...just once.