[justdesserts]

that you wish you didn't know? Being in therapy has helped me see how bad my marriage is. Before therapy I really had so sense of self or personhood and lived to please other people, including (mainly) my husband. Now I see how unhealthy some of our dynamics are and how much they hurt me and it's really hard because the more I try to change and find my own voice, the more my husband resists and the more complicated our relationship becomes. I know I'm making healthy changes for me, but it's made my marriage very hard. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? How did it work out? I love my husband very much and want our marriage to work in spite of the current stress. FWIW, my husband is emotionally closed and in denial about their being any problem with anyone but me.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

that you wish you didn't know? Being in therapy has helped me see how bad my marriage is. Before therapy I really had so sense of self or personhood and lived to please other people, including (mainly) my husband. Now I see how unhealthy some of our dynamics are and how much they hurt me and it's really hard because the more I try to change and find my own voice, the more my husband resists and the more complicated our relationship becomes. I know I'm making healthy changes for me, but it's made my marriage very hard. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? How did it work out? I love my husband very much and want our marriage to work in spite of the current stress. FWIW, my husband is emotionally closed and in denial about their being any problem with anyone but me.

hi justdesserts, I reluctantly began therapy about a year ago as recommended by my pdoc for increased stress related to caregiving. Eventually my marital problems and past csa problems came out! It was very difficult to admit but I was close to leaving him. We had drifted so far apart because we didn't know how to communicate and I harbored such resentment against him from emotional abandonment during a difficult time in my life. I was also dealing with past hurts I never shared. long story short the therapy pretty much saved our marriage.It took almost a year for me to turn things around. It's not perfect but our disagreements are not as violent! Good luck
I hope it works out for you!

[Just keep swimming]

When I started therapy a long while back, I started with a marriage and family therapist. As part of the first session, he told me that there's a slight increased risk for divorce when only one person goes to marriage and family therapy. I don't know if it's true.

But... the same thing happened to me that you described. In addition my husband was very anti-therapy. Things have changed a bunch in our marriage. Our relationship was way harder after I started therapy, but I think if we had kept on going the way we were going before I started therapy, one of us would have left by now. We were growing more and more distant. My husband resisted a lot of my changes, but eventually I got used to dealing with the resistance. (I cried a lot over it though.)

It was a risk because I didn't know if he would still like me. I got used to speaking up for what I needed and wanted though and I felt a whole lot better. We have a pretty OK marriage now. It could be better, but we're still together and we still enjoy hanging out together. We are much better at communicating now than when we first got married.

But yeah, it was pretty scary a bunch of times, especially when I realized, either things change or I have to leave. Good luck.

[doyoutrustme]

In some ways I feel that ignorance is bliss but therapy or not, there is just so long you can repress and lie to yourself before you just go kinda crazy anyway. That's what brought me to therapy in the first place.

[Ad Intra]

That my experience with childhood abuse was more traumatizing then I thought.

[Partless]

Just keep swimming, I love that picture in your sig!

Justdesserts, therapy is, in many ways, based on an individualistic view of human beings. This has positive side to it but also negative side. So when you go for therapy and pay for this professional service, you're the one who is supposed to change, not your family or the world at large. The changes you make will obviously affect people around you. It would have been exceptionally good and nice if everybody is on the same page but sadly this is often not the case.

Your husband may not want to change. It doesn't make him a bad guy of course but he's learned to make it work in whatever system you had going and now you're changing the game, by changing how you act, and so he has to adjust and he may not want to. So that's why therapy can be so tough because on the one level, you have to work on yourself and change things up, and on top of it, it's a journey that can feel terribly lonely.

Ideally, if the way you're changing is both about being more respectful and caring towards yourself but also towards him and other people in your life, it is quite more likely that he and others will adapt. If your husband is only intent on being, say, distant or abusive or whatever, then of course it may not work out and he may want out. But it's my opinion only, but I think most people will adapt when they see the new way of life you've adopted still shows your commitment to those people, except that now you're committed to yourself also and want to replace troublesome dynamics with better ones, so it benefits all parties involved.

[nottrustin]

In a way I have also noticed things in our marriage that may not be the greatest. Hubby and I have always had a great relationship. We both tend to protect each other even if sometimes that mean we bury things within our self. My therapist expressed that she feels that we often protect each other too much. Early on I felt like she really tried to change it. However, she also is amazed how good of a marriage we have after 20 years even though it is not perfect. She has commented that she couldn't make her marriage work so she has never pushed to hard. When she has tried to encourage things I have been uncomfortable with I have mentioned that while it may not be the best way to handle things, it obviously works for us as neither of us can ever imagine life without the other and are happy with our life together. So she usually backs off some while still encouraging healthy changes...

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

That my experience with childhood abuse was more traumatizing then I thought.

Yeah. I didn't want at all to deal with any csa stuff. I had no intention of talking about it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

As far as my relationship, yes it was difficult at first. My fiance thought that meds would change who I am, and he thought therapy was simply talking. He didn't understand. Then we went through the jealousy stage where he was jealous of my T and Pdoc because I care about them. Then he was jealous of the support they were giving me. He also feared losing me because he was losing control over me and I was seeing the flaws in our relationship. My T told me people either grow together or grow apart. She also said it usually gets worse before it gets better because the other person might not be ready for the change.

My fiance is trying in his own way. He supports me seeing my T and he supports me being on meds. He still hates my Pdoc though. His anger has gotten overall better, but there is still a lot of improvement needed.

As for things I've discovered that I wish I didn’t know...nothing. The difficult part is remembering everything. I buried so much of my past. I knew it was there, but it was kind of "out of sight, out of mind" sort of things. Now, I am constantly being reminded of my past. It's a good thing because I will hopefully come to terms with everything, but it's definitely not easy.

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by Partless

Ideally, if the way you're changing is both about being more respectful and caring towards yourself but also towards him and other people in your life, it is quite more likely that he and others will adapt.

I left out that part. I found out that I had a lot to learn about being a wife and about being in a relationship in general. I'm slowly getting better. I think my husband appreciates that change a lot.

[Ambra]

I'm not married but in therapy I got a totally new perception of things after being numb for so long. I though that some things I went through were no big deal and that my superficial relationship with my family was a good one. Then I started to want to go deeper and process painful things and while i have a new insight that I am grateful for, my relationship with my family is kinda ruined. I think I will get better and it will be definitely worth the effort - but limbo is not nice and this transition period that therapy has put me in can be really painful at times.

[stopdog]

No, I have not.

[Petra5ed]

Do you really wish you didn't know about your relationship problems?

I've discovered I'm lovable and not weird. And, that I'm not who I thought, I'm actually very soft and sensitive and feminine. And I want normal things that I don't have, like close relationships. But on the sad side I've discovered that I missed a lot, like a family and everything that should be. I've not been true to myself my entire life, and now I'm seeing the consequences.

[Ididitmyway]

The short answer for me is no. I am grateful for everything I had discovered in therapy no matter how painful. Yes, some truths about myself and my life I had discovered forced me to make hard choices and I did make them. It didn't make my life easier, in fact, it made it harder but more fulfilling and more meaningful. I've grown a lot because of those discoveries and because of how I chose to deal with them. I regret nothing. I would not repeat this process again because this is not what I need at this stage of my life. At this time I develop myself in different ways and through different methods, but back in time I got what I needed at that time through therapy. Everything comes into our lives at the right time. We are always where we need to be.

I think it's hard on any relationship when one of the couples is in therapy. There comes a time of change which fur the half not in therapy is actually more difficult as they are unaware of what's happening and why?
A strong partnership will eventually settle a relationship that is already in trouble will go under. But I think that would happen without therapy. TherApy can be something that takes the blame, but actually life's events weren't hey ho before. Who wants to live like that.

My husband and I have been together 29 years, and we developed some pretty dysfunctional relationship patterns over the years. We've both been in therapy for some time, and I started making some major changes in the way I approached life and our relationship as the result of what I learned in therapy. In a way, while those changes are much healthier, proactive, and self-actualizing for me, my husband has at times felt very threatened by those changes. My T had prepared me for that. It is pretty normal that when one person in a relationship changes the way they approach life, it upsets the "balance" of things. My husband saw those changes as rejection and abandonment, even though that wasn't at all the reality of what was going on. Feeling rejected and abandoned is sort of his default reaction to change. But I've held my ground, and we've continued to talk about it. He's beginning to adjust to things and is actually starting to adjust and make healthier changes and decisions in his own responses and actions himself. Things are slowly transforming in our relationship and I suspect we'll come through the adjustment period with a much healthier relationship in the end.

Yes, yes I have. Also relationship related. It's easier for me in a way because my husband doesn't know I am in therapy, and I have never ever harboured any thoughts or wishes or imaginations about changing him... it is me I want to change. But since I know that my relationship is not going to change (why should it?), I rather wish I had not become aware of the things I would like to potentially get out a relationship. I keep telling myself that those things are unrealistic in any case, but my T keeps sabotaging that by asking me how I know. It's really not helpful. I mean, it's easy for him (T) because he is not the one who lives my life and makes my choices, and he has this unrealistic notion about the kind of choices that are in my power to make.

Hope is a terrible thing. I aim for resignation. And therapy is not always conducive to that.

[catonyx]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

The short answer for me is no. I am grateful for everything I had discovered in therapy no matter how painful. Yes, some truths about myself and my life I had discovered forced me to make hard choices and I did make them. It didn't make my life easier, in fact, it made it harder but more fulfilling and more meaningful. I've grown a lot because of those discoveries and because of how I chose to deal with them.

My answer is also no for the same reasons above. However, I am still in therapy and uncovering these things. As hard as it is I would not change it.

I'm surprised by a lot of the things that have come up, but they're coming up so I can deal with them. I see no point in hiding them again because I am sure they would appear again later.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I regret nothing. I would not repeat this process again because this is not what I need at this stage of my life. At this time I develop myself in different ways and through different methods, but back in time I got what I needed at that time through therapy.

I am hoping when I am done therapy I feel this exact same way.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Everything comes into our lives at the right time. We are always where we need to be.

Thanks for this. I really like that. It's helpful.

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[Anne2.0]

I think that the one thing I realized most was how much my perceptions and communications with others was counter-productive to the kind of loving and open relationships that I wanted. In particular, I discovered that even though my mis-communications with others were rare, I was not as clear about what I wanted as I had thought. Understanding how others heard what I was saying and interpreted the nonverbal ways I communicated was very eye-opening to me. As part of this, I also learned how mistaken and wrong I could be about other people's motivations and intentions. Now, my mantra is benign in the sense that I don't believe you can know what other people are feeling or intending or why they said and did what they did unless you ask them. I try very hard not to insert my interpretations and over-interpret what other people say or do. It has resulted in more happily connected, close, and loving relationships with my family and friends.

I've also learned how often other people can over-interpret or put their own issues on to me. I remove myself from these communications and limit my contact with people who can't seem to stop themselves from telling me what I should think or feel or do (although people rarely tell me what to do).

The second thing that therapy really helped me discover is what it's like to be mindful, present in this moment, and to leave my past, automatic and reflexive responses to my fantasies. I certainly can't do it all the time, and fail pretty often, but the difference between now and 3 years ago feels huge to me. Things that used to trigger the beejeezus out of me are now much more distant than they used to be. It's almost like my neurology, which used to be easily spooked and defensive, has shifted to a more mellow and open-minded place. The world used to be much more scary and now it's more engaging and fun.

[Polibeth]

My therapist helped me realize that my DH was on the autism spectrum (Aspberger's) and that the way he communicates is vastly different than the way I communicate. We have some difficult times but therapy has helped me improve my outlook and understand why he is responding the way he is. Even though things initially got harder, it has gotten easier as time has gone by. For the record, DH and I were married for 5 years, divorced for 10 and back together for 4 years. It is an unusual situation.

[NowhereUSA]

I've learned a lot about myself and how self-protective I am. For me, my marriage has gotten better because I've learned how to communicate my hurts and needs. Before, I got my needs met by being angry which I learned to do because of the way my parents interacted with me. They completely ignore my depression and so when I needed them, and even now when I need them present, I have to practically throw things across the room to get them to respond. They'll write me a check without batting an eye, but *being present* is so foreign to them.

For years my husband would tell me how angry I was and then I realized that's because that's how I think my needs will be met. I moved around *a lot* growing up so outside of my immediate family, my husband is really the only other person I've ever been face to face with long term and so he's kinda been my practice person :-/

Once I realized how I was interacting with my husband, I was able to let him really love me. It still really surprises me because I expect him to ignore me and then... he doesn't.

It's also made me realize I have to push back from my parents. Not that I was uber close to them, but I've let them stick their fingers in my wounds for too long and it's okay to need distance.

Originally Posted by Just keep swimming

Yeah. I didn't want at all to deal with any csa stuff. I had no intention of talking about it.

me neither.