Not wanting to get better

So the past few weeks I have been in a psych day program. While in the program I have been sent to the hospital twice for my suicide thoughts. I am a pretty difficult and stubborn person to treat and I kind of take too much pride in that. My personality and how I deal with things has made it hard to work the program and I have said on multiple occasions that I don't know if I even want to get better. I have been saying this before the program. The therapists at the program see that as a positive thing to admit but I don't know. Anyone else struggle with not knowing if they really want to get better? How do you overcome this feeling?

I think "not wanting to get better" really just means that you're afraid you cant get better, and that you're afraid to give up whatever ways you've developed to cope, kind of like saying well my life sucks but change sucks too, and since I'm not sure my life will ever not suck why should I try change which will be hard and will also suck. I get it. When things have been bad for a long time, I think a lot of us start to think we cant get better, we lose hope. And the definition of depression is pretty much just feeling hopeless.

I think it really is positive to admit, because it's a huge leap of self-honesty, and now that you see that you don't want to get better you are just a step away from making a lot of connections... for example, saying maybe I'm afraid I cant get better, and maybe I keep relying on my old coping mechanisms because of it... and then a step away from saying, well maybe I should try something new, and maybe just maybe I will actually get better. It will take time but I think ultimately you will come to realize that feeling hopeless is maybe a way of coping with things being so crappy.

You CAN get better. It probably wont be easy, and change and giving up old ways of coping does suck, but I bet your life can really improve. You can be honest with yourself, and I think that's huge, that's everything actually. You can do all that and not have to worry about people withdrawing their support. I've found that support is there as long as I need it, and I feel more supported sometimes the more I try and the better I'm doing.

I also think that "not wanting to get better" could also be tied up with a fear of losing the care that comes with being "sick." It's very scary to think about getting well and functioning in the real world and all the things that come with that. I don't know if that is part of it, but for some people it is true.

For me, I'm terrified of what I am without all of this stuff I'm dealing with. I feel like I need to hold on to those parts of me for dear life because they're being threatened by therapy. They'll no longer be needed if I'm too successful in therapy.

It's fear of the unknown and fear of the inevitability of eventually "losing my therapist" when he is such a solid reliable source of support.

I can really understand where you're coming from.

I don't think you want to live with suicidal thoughts.

For the longest time I felt that being unwell was the only way to have people concerned or care about me. I think I am finally learning that some people care even when you are doing well.

It's not that I don't want to get better. I don't feel I am going to get better. I just need the stable caring T connection to ride out the rest of my life.

I have this feeling too, though it relates mostly to physical health.

I think the transition from being a "sick person" to being a "well person", and losing the care and attention that comes with being sick, is hard. For me, knowing that I have a T for as long as I need has helped.

I have wondered if sui thoughts I had in the past somehow soothed me - I don't know if this makes sense, they were an outlet for my pain and there was no other outlet, kind of like an expression of the pain. I never shared them with anyone, so it was private. Do you need to somehow deal with your pain?