[Favorite Jeans]

So I'm currently going through a really rough time and feel like I could use more support. It's not related so much to old trauma as to current stress and poor coping. My partner is going through a scary major depression and might need to hospitalized, I'm dealing with pretty heavy eldercare responsibilities involving lots of travel, my toddler often doesn't sleep through the night and my job is very demanding. As I've mentioned before here I have a lot organizational and financial difficulties and feel totally overwhelmed by things like car repairs, bills, taxes etc. I have a few friends nearby (and others who are far away) but I don't know to what extent I can lean on them and haven't really told them too much about what's going on.

Yesterday I saw my T after a three week break and had a kind of difficult session where I somehow didn't get a chance to talk about everything (because there's so much and we got stuck on a single issue) and I later emailed her and asked if I could have an extra session today. Miraculously, she had a spot at a time I could make. It was so helpful. I feel so supported and less crazy and alone.

I think the continuity of two days in a row is very good for me because I can take up where I left off more easily. I have this thing where even after three years of weekly sessions with her and a pretty warm relationship she feels like a stranger sometimes and it often takes me about 15 minutes just to get past my awkwardness at getting reacquainted. I'm not sure what that's about but i suspect that my irrational conviction that she hates me which I still feel from time to time has something to do with it.

I think it would probably be very helpful to me if I could see her twice weekly for a while. But I feel somehow like that's just crazy indulgent and while I could probably swing it financially at least temporarily it feels hard as I'm in debt and have lots of other obligations. I also feel somewhat shy about asking her which is ridiculous but that's me. What do you guys think? What's up with feeling shy? I think it would feel terrible if I asked and she couldn't accomodate me plus I have a lot of shame around needing her at all. What should I do?

[RedSun]

Maybe you feel shy because you're not used to putting your own needs first? One way to reconcile that is to think you will (probably) be a more attentive mum and carer if you get the support you need, so everyone will benefit. It seems very reasonable to ask for two sessions a week, given what you're up against, and also might be a good idea to explore with your t the difficulties you had in asking for this. Good luck x

Hi FJ,
Wow, that's a lot of stress for you at the moment. It's too much for one person to deal with alone. I can understand your irrational that's about your t hating you but you recognise and admit they are irrational. That extra session this week was a great help to you and I suspect going twice weekly temporarily till your partner gets better and is able to support you too, that the extra support from your t will get you through this hard phase.
I am sorry to hear about your partner and I hope she comes through this depression soon.

I can understand your fear about taking a risk and asking your t and the fear of rejection . these are very real fears and experiences for you and somewhere along the way you learned not to ask for help when you really need it and that's very sad because right now you really need it. When you get the support you need you will be able to cope with all of this without being overwhelmed by it.
Shame is a toxic feeling but also a very real one, we all have it but but is particularly toxic when we learn not to ask for help anymore. It's not wrong to need help and support, we all need help sometimes and I think your t will agree that you need the extra support now.

[archipelago]

You are dealing with an incredible amount of all sorts of different things all hitting you at once. Seeking out support, especially from someone who is reliable and invested in helping, seems responsible not indulgent. How can you do all of that and be there for others if you aren't taking care of yourself?

I use the airplane oxygen mask analogy when I think about this type of thing. When the cabin pressure drops and the masks appear, whose mask do you attend to first? The person near you that needs help or your own?

You can't possibly help others or even be there if you don't attend to yourself first. I understand not wanting to feel indulgent or needy. I really do and struggled with that. It still comes up, but when I know I'm in for a bumpy ride, I call in for reinforcements. It sounds like your therapist would totally get that and try to help you out.

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by archipelago

I use the airplane oxygen mask analogy when I think about this type of thing. When the cabin pressure drops and the masks appear, whose mask do you attend to first? The person near you that needs help or your own?

You can't possibly help others or even be there if you don't attend to yourself first.

This is a great analogy! Thank you for that!

[LindaLu]

Timely topic I just posted about this indirectly in "There's something I need to tell you..." Thread. At the start of therapy 9 months ago we did twice a week because it was helpful for me to continue ideas. Then once a week for a while, but some emergecy sessions led to some twice a week and then regular twice weeklies. I took a break to once a week and shes pressing for more sessions again. I've got work and other obligations that make it impractical.

Honestly the average therapist is usually happy for more (hey it is income) and it is NOT indulgent to seek more. At the right time, frequent visits are great. You may well experience growth and strengthen the relationship in ways thar fewer visits cant do.

However it can turn into a tug-of-war with T if you arent clear from the outset that you may need revisiting the schedule question. Mine has a psychodynamic orientation so "regularity" is a big bugaboo. Hence a power struggle.

Also the increased logistics of handling your family, work AND therapeutic demands may introduce new stresses in your T relationship. Be prepared to discuss/process how adding more time for yourself has good AND bad effects. This is valid and informative for you to explore. Good luck whichever road you take there. But youre worth it Lickety!

[LindaLu]

((((FavoriteJeans)))) I had another username up in a previous browser. You you you FJ are worth extra sessions.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by LindaLu

((((FavoriteJeans)))) I had another username up in a previous browser. You you you FJ are worth extra sessions.

Tee hee! No worries. I totally appreciate the kind words.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think I need to convince myself that more therapy is "justified" here and I appreciate your input. It's the kind of thing I might say to someone else but have a harder time applying it to myself. Archipelago, I think the oxygen mask analogy is an apt one and I agree Red that I will likely be more useful to all concerned if I am in a good place and feeling somewhat taken care of. MLS, you're right, I do have to get past the shame and just plain awkwardness involved in asking for help. LL I think scheduling could be a big challenge because she and I both have a lot of scheduling limitations but I don't think that it'll become an issue beyond the logistics of it. I don't think she'll read deep stuff into needing to vary our schedule or decide I'm resisting if I want to return to once a week or can't make it twice one week or anything.

[musinglizzy]

I had been wishing I could go more than once a week, but never had the nerve to say it. When I first started with her, it was quite hard getting comfortable with her because there was a week in between, where I felt like the next session was somewhat spent getting reacquainted. Thankfully, she brought it up all on her own, suggested that twice a week sessions would be useful at the time. I've been seeing her for a total of 8 months, but twice a week for 6.