[growlycat]

This has probably been discussed many many times here at PC but bear with me as I bring it up again---crying in therapy.

I hate crying in therapy mostly because a T's reaction is always weird to me.

Lately I've been fighting back teary-ness with CBT T. He's a good guy, and his fallback saying is "it's ok." Which is sweet but inadequate. Any normal person would move closer, offer an arm around the shoulders or even offer kleenex. T's are so strange about the crying thing.

I know that they are avoiding doing anything that would give the message "stop crying" and some people would detest touch at that moment.

Without comfort, I find it hard to let myself cry. I get angry and embarrassed at myself and very angry with T for "not caring".

Has anyone openly talked about what they need from T when crying?

[feralkittymom]

I always found the "it's OK" to be pretty much what I needed.

Maybe it would be helpful to talk about feeling embarrassed and angry at yourself when you cry? If you're angry with him and feel he doesn't care at that moment that sounds to me like you want him to be--or maybe to hold him--responsible for your crying. Is that possible?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

If you're angry with him and feel he doesn't care at that moment that sounds to me like you want him to be--or maybe to hold him--responsible for your crying. Is that possible?

That is an interesting idea-- "you made me cry now fix it"? Maybe!

But it could be that a non-reaction seems threatening to me because of a neglectful caregiving situation in my earliest part of life. A lack of reaction seems terrifying to me. I try to remind myself that the intention ids different from what he is doing/not doing and people in my past.

I've never been great about openly discussing this topic. Chalk it up to toxic shame I suppose.

[feralkittymom]

I hear ya. I cried so much in therapy--including the first session--that the shame pretty much went away. I didn't have the neglectful response, but the "I'll give you something to cry about" response, so maybe that's why the "It's OK" didn't feel lame to me. It really was an expression of acceptance that I'd never had as a child.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have never talked to my T about what I need when I cry. Well, I have told her that I don't want her to leave me in silence too long because I will wind up staying silent the whole session. We have talked about me needing comfort and support when I'm struggling. But when I'm crying, I let her decide what to do.

First time I cried, she offered me kleenex, and I got mad. I didn't want permission to cry; I wanted to stop crying. I've given up the hope of not crying, so now she's happy I accept the kleenex. She says I'm making up for all the times I rejected it and am using my share. She even offered me a box to take with me when I went to county so I could imagine her giving me one

She only once sat next to me. She often rubs my arm or pats my leg. A few times she's rubbed my back. She has offered twice to hug me. For some reason I can't say yes even though I really want it. But I have never asked for any of the touching.

She does let me sit in silence crying for awhile. Then she tries to bring me back and calm me down. She knows I'm calm when I'm able to look at her again. To calm me down, she will change the subject, try to make me laugh, do deep breathing with me, help me be aware and identify my surroundings. But she knows she has to help me calm down because it's too dangerous for me to leave upset.

The thing she does that I actually like the most is that she whispers. It is so soothing and comforting when we whisper.

I don't know if any of that will help you identify what you might need or want. But I would definitely talk to your T about it and see if he's willing to provide you with some sort of support when you cry.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I have never 'cried' in t. I have shed one or two tears, but I simply can't let go. I just contain it. My t notices and will often mention something to me - "I notice tears in your eyes and sadness. I can see the tension. It's okay to cry." that kind of thing. I hope one day I'm able to let it all go. I'm not sure how I want my t to respond, but I would hope she'd be caring.

[gloamingone]

I have a bit of trouble crying in front of any t, and I don't know why. Usually I'm an easy crier! The few times tears have escaped, the t just got extremely compassionate (tone of voice, body language). Usually a Kleenex was offered. :-)

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I cry in therapy but I tend to try to fight it. T will tell me not to fight it, to let it come. But he also gets me to voice what is behind the tears because sometimes I start crying and what set them off is not clear, to him or to me really. And usually figuring out what set them off is important information. I hate trying to talk through the crying, but he's learned if he doesn't get me in that moment, once I've stifled them, I stifle my thinking and words about them too. It's complicated that way.

I've never had a therapist who acknowledged it, which doesn't bother me at all. It makes it easier in some way. I just keep talking through the crying and eventually it stops. Or not. I can cry at great length. I don't pay much attention to it or to the therapist's response. I don't think I would want comforting, though.

[stopdog]

The only thing I would need if I ever cried near the woman is to be shot. I doubt she would comply so I don't cry.
She has, in her confusing way, both tried to encourage crying until I convinced her to stop because it was causing panic and told me her dog (when there with her - never ever when I go) has helped stop people who were crying because he went and poked at them and "put an end to their breaking down" were her words. She has said both she never touches clients and that if someone is distressed she will move closer and touch them (but assured me she knew not to do so with me).

[junkDNA]

ive cried in front of T a lot. like full on sobbing snotty mess. not for a while though. nowadays its more silent tears. i dont cry as much as i used to. T would offer me tissues. he would ask if i wanted a hug etc.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by growlycat

That is an interesting idea-- "you made me cry now fix it"? Maybe!


But it could be that a non-reaction seems threatening to me because of a neglectful caregiving situation in my earliest part of life. A lack of reaction seems terrifying to me.

This is certainly my reaction. The one time I cried with previous T she went silent and I experienced her reaction as utterly self-satisfied, as if she was making me cry for her own entertainment, just to prove that she could.

[Soccer mom]

I haven't cried but for awhile did almost every day OUTSIDE of my sessions. I can't cry in front of my T., I guess, because of the maternal transference and I wasn't allowed to cry when I was little.

I've told her I want to so much. It will be a great moment if I ever do. I happen to think about this last night and wrote in my journal that I want to cry in front of her so I can experience the response I should have gotten from my mom.

[WrkNPrgress]

I'm not very natural with crying at all and rarely in front of anyone but my partner. Not my friends, not my family, nada. When I do it's usually culminates in huge guttural sobs. I want to be better about letting it happen more casually but I'm an introvert and that kind of expression just doesn't come to easily.

I have cried a couple times early in therapy but it was always stifled crying. I feel like if I were to let go it'd be a huge sobbing mess and someone in the next office might call an ambulance or something. I can't even remember what it was about now. I get the "It's okay" kinda thing. I was a little embarrassed about it but it wasn't too hard.

The last time I needed to cry, I just couldn't. I was at a stage where I was more angry and judgmental than anything else. The wall was up. I didn't want to trust anyone. T had me do some deep breathing and close my eyes to let it come — but nope. Couldn't do it there. Later that week I had an argument with my partner and it all came then— everything I needed to cry about.

[ThisWayOut]

I have a lot fo trouble crying in front of anyone, and only cried in t a few times (though never real, unrestrained crying. it's always just been rogue tears spilling out of my eyes and me not being able to stop it).
T's always try to let me know it's ok to cry. I still dislike it a lot. ex-ex-t sat there quietly and reminded me where the tissues were or offer them when they were out of easy reach (only teared up twice with her). Oh, actually, I cried hysterically on the phone with her once, and she just listened and talked comfortingly after I slowed... so maybe that would be a good response for me.
It was not really ok to cry for me as a kid, so it's scary. I'm torn between thinking physical touch might be nice (hug maybe?) and prefering they only tell me it's ok, then sit there quietly while I cry... I think it might be good to cry in the presence of a safe person finally, but I am not sure if I'm able to let that happen...

[nicoleflynn]

as human beings, it feels weird to me to not be comforted.

I just have to add that having a therapist rubbing my back or leg would feel molesty and invasive. I'm surprised that some people find this okay.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I just have to add that having a therapist rubbing my back or leg would feel molesty and invasive. I'm surprised that some people find this okay.

And I like to be touched, but not too much, and not before I'm ready. Just another example of why a T needs to tailor their response to the individual.

[guilloche]

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

I think I found this blog through the forums here, but I'm not sure. But either way, this is an awesome posting about why therapists seem cruel for "doing nothing" when we cry.

I haven't cried in therapy yet. I cry plenty, it seems like, outside of therapy - but I've never really felt safe/comfortable enough to actually experience my feelings while I'm in session. I just sort of clamp down on them, I suppose, and sort them out later, in private.

[stopdog]

The first therapist I saw in my 20s - wanted to hold me while I cried. That was an actual goal she had - to get me to cry and for her to hold me while I did.
Needless to say, it did not happen.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I just have to add that having a therapist rubbing my back or leg would feel molesty and invasive. I'm surprised that some people find this okay.

I do hear you there. I would always want T to ask first.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The first therapist I saw in my 20s - wanted to hold me while I cried. That was an actual goal she had - to get me to cry and for her to hold me while I did.
Needless to say, it did not happen.

I do get this. Not everyone needs the same things.

I've had T's that I did not click with in the past too. Those ones, I would have snapped at if they came near me.

[SoupDragon]

In 5 years I have cried 3 times - T just asks if I want a tissue and afterwards tells that he's pleased that I was able to show emotion to him.

Twice I accepted the tissue, the last time I was quite defensive and told him I didn't need one.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The first therapist I saw in my 20s - wanted to hold me while I cried. That was an actual goal she had - to get me to cry and for her to hold me while I did.
Needless to say, it did not happen.

Oh my. Poor deluded soul...
I'm inclined to think of bathing cats...

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[precaryous]

I cry all the time in therapy..mostly just tears, not snotty ugly crying.

I have always cried a lot...infant on up.

Crying today for several reasons...mostly because t tenderly asked,
"Pre, what can we do to give you more hope?"....and I didn't have an answer.