[lostgirl57]

Hi,
Where to start?...
I'm almost 50. I am the product of a teenage marriage that didn't last. I lived with my mother & grandparents & 3 stepfathers. Not all together, of course, but through time.
My mother did not want me or my 2 brothers.
I went on to have 4 husbands & drug abuse problems.
This last marriage is wonderful. We have been married almost 15 years.
I have 2 daughters & he has a son.
I was not a good mother. But...I have a great relationship with 2 of my kids. I have asked forgiveness & have, for the most part, received it.
My problem is my mother. And to some extent, my father.
My mother is so cold to me! She abused & neglected me all my life.
She told me just last year that if abortion would've been legal in 1957 I would not exist.
I cannot get over this! My father is dead. I never really knew him. I looked his name up in the phone book & called him when I was 24. He was a freak! He ended up forcing his tongue down my throat. Needless to say, I never bonded with him & we went our separate ways.
I have started to abuse prescription drugs again to kill the pain. I was very active in NA & AA for years, but pain is just too strong.
I don't know how to stop the pain. My family just can't help me. They all hate my mother,too, but just tell me to "get over it!"
"Let it go!" Don't give my mother the satisfaction of letting it "get to me".
How does one go about achieving this???
If it were only that simple!
I have BC/BS & feel it's time to call for help.
What kind of therapy do you think I would benefit from?
I want to make sure I get the right person.
I am very adept at hiding just how sick I am from my family, but this is killing me.
My family hates "victims". I try really hard NOT to be one, but it's all too much.
Can you give me advice on how to start the therapy?
Thanks!

[Becca07]

I recently found a therapist and went through the process. It's very unnerving trying to find the right person.

What I did was look less at specialties, but went through my insurance company's list, crossed off people who did short term therapy, and cold called. I called three people, talked to them over the phone, and made an appointment with the person I felt most comfortable with.

It's only been 5 weeks, and I'm not completely comfortable with her yet, but I feel like there's the potential for a good relationship.

[(JD)]

A psychologist is a good start, imo. (But then I'm biased ) But someone your BC/BS will cover I hope... they are quite picky here in FL...and many therapists don't accept because of the fees...

Someone who you feel comfortable talking with, who has the expertise to keep you on a good direction of healing.

Suffering from "family dynamics" long after leaving the nest is common. To this day when my mother says something and I watch my siblings (all older) fall in line and agree, and I stand and say "No, I don't live by your rules any more"... my family's collective jaw drops. ...I learned how to know who I am vs who they are, through therapy. Yes, things they say and do can hurt, but they don't have to cut you open any more A good therapist can give you the truthful definitions of words like "victim" and how to stop the pain that won't continue to harm you. TC

[lostgirl57]

Thanks for the replies.
Do you think a Psychiatrist would be better for me, or should I go to a Psychologist?
What is the difference?
Is it that one can prescribe meds & the other can't?
Is one more expensive?
I am sooo new at this!
And, I have BC/BS. There are quite a few therapists that are in my network. My questions is: My co-pay is $20.
Does anyone know approx. how much I'll be responsible for after the insurance pays?
I hope it's not alot. I know everybody's experience is unique. Could you share your experiences???
I wonder if I'll need a referral from my GP?
I am so sorry to ask so many questions!
Thanks in advance.

[sunrise]

Hi lostgirl57. That is a very positive step to start therapy so you can deal with your pain and move forward in life.

What is BC/BS? Is it an insurance company?

I think many therapists deal with the sort of problems you are describing so you probably don't need someone who is too specialized. Both my former counselor and my current therapist deal with problems like this. One had a Master's in Social Work and the other is a Psychologist/Family Therapist, so a variety of degrees/licensures could work out for you.

I think a therapist/psychologist is your first stop. That person will refer you to a psychiatrist also if they think you can benefit from one. Yes, many people go to psychiatrists specifically so they can get meds.

If your insurance co-pay is $20, it sounds like that is all you would have to pay each visit. Check your plan, though, and see how many mental health visits your plan allows. My plan allows 20 visits a year to an in network provider. My husband's plan only allows 12. Psychiatrists are considered medical visits rather than mental health on my plan, so I can visit them as many times a year as my plan allows me to visit other types of doctors.

There is another recent thread here in the psychotherapy forum dealing with therapy prices. There is a lot of good info. Go here:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...5&o=31&fpart=1

There are a lot of good articles on psychcentral about psychotherapy. Go here:
http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy

"Finding A Therapist" article
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/finding-a-therapist/

Good luck!

welcome lost girls 57. I couldn't beieve it when I read your post, just how similar our stories are. We share much. I am 42 years old and 2 years ago, my life came crashing down around me. I managed to hide away all the pain for all those years. I also have a mother much like yours, who is also an alcoholic. I grew up in a cold unloving home where violence and abuse were "routine". I know exactly what you mean when people tell you to "get over it", and thats exactly what I tried to do for 20 years. I have been seeing a psychologist for about 20 months and the journey of healing I have been on has been very rocky. There have been many times when I have wanted to give up. It has been a great relief to share my story with a caring person though. I have a wonderful husband, but even after 22 years of marriage I still haven't been able to share a lot of what happened when I was a child. I share your pain, and definately recommend you seek help from a qualified counsellor /psychologist. My very best wishes in your search to healing - It is worth it!! Please pm me any time. Good luck xx

hi lostgirl

thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you've decided to see what therapy can do!

Here is a link to a site that I like a lot. It has a great question and answer section and talks about all different kinds of therapies. My preference is psychodyamic/psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Others have other preferences. Anyway here is the link: www.guidetopsychology.com.

Welcome and I hope you'll stay in touch.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
lostgirl57 said:
My family just can't help me. They all hate my mother,too, but just tell me to "get over it!"
"Let it go!" Don't give my mother the satisfaction of letting it "get to me".
How does one go about achieving this???
If it were only that simple!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi lostgirl! Welcome to the forum. I quoted this excerpt from your entry because this was often the reaction I got when trying to deal with all of the hurt/resentment/anger/sadness/confusion that I hold towards my mother. In therapy, my therapist validates my feelings towards her. He lets me know that I have every right to feel the way I do. He teaches me that it's alright to be mad. And he never tries to deter me from those feelings-- rather he is right there with me as I go through them. Can your primary care physican recommend a therapist for you? I actually picked my therapist out of the phonebook-- because I needed someone with a sliding fee scale. He ended up being the best therapist I could have asked for. I hope that you find someone who you can connect with. Remember-- it takes time. As far as what type of therapy you'd benefit from, it depends on your personality really. If you are the type of person who would like to solve things in the way of changing your thoughts, then try cognitive therapy. If you are someone (like me) who wants to work from the unconscious, be in therapy long-term, and examine how the past connects to the present, you may want to go with someone more psychodynamic. Luckily, most therapists come from a more eclectic point of view, and are willing to combine a variety of techniques.