Not so much by saying "i care about you", but i'm thinking in terms of feelings and behaviors or actions.

Is it important to know your T cares? My parents demonstrated over and over and over that they didn't care about me. They obviously cared about me enough that i survived, though barely, but that didn't equate to having 'good enough' parents. I was an orphan who lived with 2 parents. They always felt like strangers to me. My father is gone, but my mother still feels like a total stranger.

I was thinking about my insecurity possibly pushing my therapist away. I know there are transference issues here- i have thought many times that my T is doing the 'minimum' to do his job. If he is, maybe that is all i should expect?

I think he cares about me somewhat. But i have clients at work who i care about somewhat. There really are no emotional issues that go with the type of work i do, but i care about doing a good job for them. But is that enough for someone with my background in psychodynamic therapy?

I also realize i am hypervigilant, looking for signs that he doesn't care about me. This is so hard because i am seeing them regularly. Maybe i can identify examples (in my mind-'proof') that he does care if others are willing to share how your therapists show they care.

[musinglizzy]

Mine checks in on me via Email or text if she knows I've got something going on.... that means a lot to me.

I was still on a several-month-long break from therapy in Dec of 2013 but I called t the day my dad passed away in mid-December 2013 and we talked about 10 minutes, it helped me a lot. I didn't talk to her again until she emailed me on new years eve, while I was with family back east, just to see how I was doing because she was thinking about me. It meant a lot to me since we were still on a break at that point. I started back up with therapy in Feb 2014 and I'm so glad I did. I might not have, if she hadn't checked in on me. I've made more very good progress since then!

[justdesserts]

My therapist would never reach out to me unless I initiated the contacted, the way some others have described; although if he did, it would be remarkable. However, the way he makes me feel cared about is through the empathy and compassion he shows me and by being consistent and a solid force of acceptance in my life, no matter what I throw at him. He always accepts me and cares about me in word and action.

[Lauliza]

A T doesn't have to reach out outside of session to show they care. I know it happens with many Ts on here but I don't think it's the norm. So while it might be an added bonus for some people, I wouldn't use this to judge how much a T cares.

In my experience, Ts have shown me they care by giving me their full attention and responding thoughtfully, not judging, being flexible with their schedule (staying past their normal time or fitting me in short notice), not charging me for canceling last minute (like right before the appointment) and remembering information I've told them in the past (not everything but enough).

I'm sure there is more but that's what stands out.

She just does. I can't explain it.

[Inner_Firefly]

I am so sorry. If I were you I would feel the same. Your parents did not care about you and so now you are looking out for signs that your T does not care. It will take time to heal and I hope your T is gentle and understanding. My T shows she cares by truly listening to my rambling.

[unaluna]

I gave up my car a few years ago, pretty much because i could. I'm not working, i can rent a zipcar once a month or so when the need to leavd the city limits arises, otherwise i take the bus, or in a pinch i call a taxi. All this to say, it took me a few years yet of riding the bus to realize that pretty much the bus schedules never change - they are always on the hour or quarter hour or whatever, twice an hour or more, and they are really very dependable.

So one day in t, i mention how comforting it is that i finally can see how reliable the buses are, that i am not used to having such stability in my life, and he just LOOKS at me like, hello??? And i go,oh yeah, youre pretty reliable too! so idk. Im glad i finally have that feeling of some stability in my life.

I always think of the time I was closing down in session and he welled up, his voice was wavering and he said "please don't shut me out, [echos]". That was the first time I genuinely believed he cared about me.

I don't think my T does anything to show care. What I would like is a note to take home saying something like- 'hang in there, I am hanging in here for you'. Or 'you matter'.

He doesn't. But he gives me his undivided professional attention all the time when I'm in his office, and that is what is important for me.

[stopdog]

The woman doesn't care and so does nothing. I don't go to a therapist for care.

[StillIRise]

He told me he wants me to feel protected and safe.

He wells up when he can feel the sadness I am feeling.

He goes out of his way to help me and help me feel less alone.

I can just feel it, it's something that's hard to articulate. He's a thoroughly decent man and he wants to help me, that is care to me.

[LindaLu]

I described to my T how I'd gotten into a dangerous situation and realized only in that moment that she'd feel bad to lose me. She got distressed. I withdrew in confusion. This took a couple weeks to process.

Her manner is aloof compared to the other Ts people write about on this forum. She would never ever initiate contact outside session, or offer a transitional object, or pat my back or anything. But she does care.

BTW...This is not to suggest anyone should test a relationship by doing something risky. The situation was accidental. But once it happened it was a learning experience. I'm convinced most Ts care about their clients even if they arent demonstrative.

[ThisWayOut]

I have had T's show me by being consistent with session, being reliable, remembering what I say, taking my reactions and history into consideration when telling me things, reinforcing my knowledge-base in things that I actually do know but tend to forget... Other things are harder to qualify, like tone of voice and body language... It's not even necessarily care beyond doing their job well, but it fits the scope of the relationship.
Some T's I had have shown caring beyond the relationship of therapist, more along caring as a human being, but it's not somethinng I expect.

You know I feel like she showed that she cares by that comment she made the other afternoon when I told her that 15 was mad at me for not letting her say that I miss her anymore, and she said "I hear it anyway". That made me feel so warm and cared for.

and she remembers damn near everything I say. she doesn't always remember what she said. but she always remembers what i say.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I don't think my T does anything to show care. What I would like is a note to take home saying something like- 'hang in there, I am hanging in here for you'. Or 'you matter'.

That reminds me of the time when i was living with my mother, and i was out grocery shopping alone, and the Girl Scouts were selling cookies. I said, "if i bring home cookies, my mom will yell at me." So they wrote a note for me to give to her that said "you have a wonderful daughter" and i bought a couple boxes.

I'm not sure you show caring as much as 'are' caring.
I can't list the ways I've experienced it. It's just her whole way she is to herself and to me.
Respect? Maybe that's the most obvious way. But still, it's all such an inside job that writing it tends to make it seemed contrived...

[striking]

I know what you mean about looking for signs. I look for signs she is untrustworthy etc...

She cares because she let's me know through her voice, her eyes, her posture, her suggestions and understanding my concerns. She would never contact me outside of our sessions unless I initiated it though. If I ask for an encouraging note or a hand hold she will otherwise no.

[healed84]

I think the T shows here cares, by being consistent, by being available via email, text (in emergencies), me being able to call, having extra appts when needed. Stuff like that.. Or T's wife had to have surgery over NYE holiday, I was scheduled to see him on the 2nd- he went to work that day, but his wife needed him at home. I was his last apt, of the day. So, instead of cancelling my time he asked me to come in earlier. Or- he sent me an article via fb (we are NOT friends, but he had seen my page before) because he said that it reminded him of what I was going through and thought it would be helpful for me to read. I do have a pretty darn good T

Trigger

It was really helpful to read all your responses, thanks.

My therapist doesn't do a lot of stuff that other's Ts do that I read about here (not just this thread), but he cares about me in many ways. He is dependable and reliable and listens with interest. He tries to help me. He almost always responds to my texts, though not the way I really want. But I think all of this is his job (well maybe not the regular texting contact but therapy with trauma patients can be harmful without some sort of between session contact) so it's difficult to me to equate that to caring about me. Part of this mindset is the transference I mentioned in the OP.

I would love it if he checked in with me, but I don't need or expect that. I also wouldn't do well with a therapist who gets reactive all the time. But I think I need him to be protective of me sometimes--my psychological safety. Sometimes it seems cruel that he draws out such intense emotion from me, then lets me fend for myself. And although he will text me back, which helps emotionally regulate me, i recently almost had a breakdown, and he abandoned me when I cried out for help. I felt like I was in danger of harming myself. I usually don't tell him of sui feelings, or if I mention them, it's brief and I don't go into detail. But this time it came on intensely and I was more scared than I ever was while in therapy. I reached out to him, and he ignored me. It triggered such intense emotion, and it made this 'sign' sort of cancel out all the other signs that he might care. That's why i'm struggling right now.

Mostly I don't want him to be reactive either, but when he seemed angry at me recently, it made me feel like he might be attached to me too, which is probably what I really want. hmm.

Maybe I'm afraid of his caring about me. That's another thing I realized from this thread.

[Ad Intra]

She took my safety very seriously.

[Boo]

I wish I believed that my therapist cared about me. It would be less lonely in this world.

[pmbm]

My T has shown me she cares by tailoring my therapy just for me. Also, she bought new blankets and pillows for her office for me to cuddle with, hide myself with, comfort myself with.