just found out

Thanks again, all, for the reality checks and support

He doesn't know how much paternity leave he'll take, doesn't know exactly when he'll decide.

I had trouble getting started, he asked what's making it difficult to talk. I said I didn't think he'd like what I have to say. I started to talk and then he interrupted me - he told me wanted to "frame the discussion" and at the outset, he had something to say and he knew it might influence what I said. He then just told me some things will be helpful to talk about and some things won't be. He didn't say what would be helpful and what wouldn't - just kept it vague.

This confused the heck out of me and I told him it seemed like a maze - if I went down the wrong path I'd be zapped. He said it was kind of like a maze (I don't think he understood what i meant.) I asked if it was ok to talk about the registry and he said no, he didn't think it would be helpful to talk about that personal information.

That felt awful. I cringed and said it's difficult.

I complained that he wants me to talk but then he puts all these conditions on what I can say.

He later clarified that he wasn't going to answer questions about personal things. He kept on reinforcing that. I felt so ashamed. Eventually I told him that it hurt me when he raised his voice and kept saying that. He said he was trying to reassure me he wasn't going to cross boundaries - I said it felt more like he was shaming me for crossing boundaries and making me feel like he thinks I'm some invading force he needs to protect against. I said it's perfectly natural for him to feel protective, but that I honestly didn't want to know.

It wasn't great. It certainly felt 100% different than the earlier session. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and he was pushing me away. It felt awful.

I tried to explain I wasn't trying to invade his life, I didn't want to ask about a bunch of personal things - I was just trying to figure out when I should expect him to leave and for how long. That was it.

I guess I'll wait and see.

I get the Pdoc thing -that it's my choice. I'm the one who asked for referrals. He told me that he'd have some for me, but then he didn't because all the people he called were unavailable. He said he'd keep making calls. I offered to just do it myself. He told me he thinks of it as his job to do it.

I ended up sending him an email thanking him for listening and thanking him for the nice things he said Tuesday. I feel like if I don't encourage him and show that gratitude that he's just going to get more and more annoyed with me. I know that's not my job, but I need him to be helpful and if it's my behavior that makes him so protective and defensive then I need to figure out a way to make things work. I then emailed some notes I wrote up about my reaction and how I'm linking it to things in my past.

I think maybe I ought to just take a break again, handle things myself, and maybe even end the therapy relationship. I feel like we're at a point where either I'm going to make a TON of progress since this is really core stuff for me, or we're going to derail completely and I'm going to end up in a really, really bad place. Honestly, I'm just really scared.

I'm glad to just have a place to vent and know other ppl who are familiar with therapy are out there. Not something I can just raise in conversation, y'know?

Wow. I'm sorry. That sounds like he was really unhelpful.

Honestly, if you're to the point that you're considering ending the relationship, it might be good to think through what you want from a T and what kind of boundaries will be most beneficial. For example, my T is very open. I can ask him all sorts of personal questions and he doesn't shy away (I ask my PDoc too LOL). It seems like he's struggling to figure out how to skillfully enforce his own boundaries. Factually speaking, from even a professional relationship standpoint it's a very normal thing to want to know what will happen when a baby is born. My husband had to notify his job for when both of our children were born and I had to plan months in advance myself. His vague not knowing is poor planning in his part.

Wow. That was some interaction. You behaved appropriately by trying to raise an issue that's causing you distress. Instead of exploring that, without talking about his personal life, he shut it down and you felt to blame. That is not therapy.

You don't need to apologize for wanting to talk about this, or placate him so that he doesn't retaliate.

I just don't understand how someone is supposed to work this out without talking about it.

Thanks, licketysplit and NoWhereUSA, it was just really confusing.

I'm sure I'm not telling 'his side of the story' so to speak, but he just came across to me as really defensive/protective, even though he claimed that he was trying to reassure me that he wouldn't cross boundaries.

I'm not sure if he just wasn't quite understanding me or miscommunicating, but it did hurt a lot and wasn't very helpful. He didn't take the time to listen first...if he did, maybe he would've understand where I was coming from...

I find that he often misjudges the effect of his words on me and thinks that just because he thinks he clearly means a certain thing that I should understand. I often also forget to ask when I'm confused...and when I do sometimes he thinks I'm playing stupid.

Not to dismiss an individual's responsibility, but therapy is all about your side of the story. I just don't understand what happened that you couldn't (or weren't allowed) to get that out for discussion because the whole issue of not feeling that your voice matters, and then backing up and apologizing for doing something that you (or your insurance) is paying for is pretty effing important.

The crazy part is that you weren't even trolling for private information about him. It was just his website you were looking for, right? Sheesh.

And, just as an update - turns out my alarm bells were right.

He left right after I had my first psych appointment. I ended up getting serotonin syndrome and had a helluva time with side effects.

He comes back next week after a month away. I don't even want to look at the man.

I reread all thru this. Imo, this is more complicated than this t has the experience or the male body parts to handle, pardon my french. He's bullying you to keep you from talking about stuff?? Apparently hes a legend in his own mind, as my t likes to say i would use this as an opportunity to switch ts at this point. His stuff is getting mixed up with your stuff and its a bit of a mess. Thats my feeling.

thanks for reading thru it hankster...i dunno what to do. its easier to start therapy than it is to get out of it...

I kinda think they should make joining a sport one of the requirements of therapy. Im a little deliirious, ive been sick all week, but sometimes i think it would help. i know my t thinks so. It would help you JUMP out of this situation and LEAP into a better one, confident you could land safely.