[Airy]

I'm having a bad go of things in therapy right now. Both therapy and my therapist has been very unavailable lately during a more turbulent time for me. End of October, I was caught up at work and I had to cancel. The next week she cancelled last minute because a water pipe broke in her house. From before thanksgiving till last week, she was on a cruise. Yesterday, she cancelled last minute because she's had the flu since she got back from vacation.

I understand life happens, but what bothers me about this is the last minute nature of her cancellations, and her tone about the water pipe was a little hyperbolic; I felt responsible for reassuring her it was okay, and I don't like that; I tend to feel responsible for the emotions of other's and now am weary of those situations. My therapy schedule needs more predictability, consistency, and objectivity.

I wish I were more compassionate about her having the flu. But I just feel untrusting about it, probably because I've been "sick" to get out of something I didn't want to do before and maybe project that on her. I 'm hesitant to trust what people say at times, especially if they're being complimentary and nice.

I could really use some therapy time, but after this I feel more like closing off. I hadn't responded to her cancellation email. She said when she's feeling better she will get in touch, and I figure if she wants to continue the therapy she will email me. Otherwise, I get it: You're unreliable, or I'm not important. Thats probably more an excuse for being me being passive aggressive when I feel angry at her. It brings up attachment issues too, I've bolted from 2 therapists I was unhappy with, and I did it after their vacation breaks.

I'm trans woman without any siblings, and I estranged myself years ago from my family after someone outed me to my codependent, enmeshing parents. They're too much, but its hard being alone for the holidays when I've struggled to bond with people for most of my life. Lately, I often think about killing myself. I'm not serious about doing it, but the thought loops in my head and is triggered by my own struggle with my body and feelings of shame and inadequacy. I've fallen into binge eating patterns and hate my loss of control. I feel so worthless and undesireable all the time. I feel like I'm an ugly mannish person, even though I know I'm not, that I suck at my work, I suck at my transition, suck at clothing, dressing, and grooming and not having the confidence to improve my situations, just avoiding it.

I'm particularly upset I'm beholden to this therapeutic relationship to acquire letters for sex reassignment surgery. I don't like having to "prove myself worthy." I want that letter and want to get surgery soon. I fear asking for it, and if she says no, it will break the relationship. It's temping to persue other avenues for the letter just so I'm guaranteed to get my needs met.

(The whole letter business is a little absurd and logically inconsistent to begin with. For example, surgeons require it for reassignment surgery on a part of your body 99% of the population doesn't even see. But, if you want to get Facial Feminization Surgery, where the surgeon reshapes your skull to look feminine, no letter required, for the part of your body everyone sees everyday! Or breast augmentation, no problem there. But obviously, if you want a vagina you're crazy until proven otherwise. I'd rather just be treated like an adult capable of making my own decisions. And if its a mistake, its my mistake to make. But I don't think my wanting one is an error in judgement. )

Thanks for listening to me ramble, use the word "I" in practically every sentence, my misspellings and sprinklings of improper grammer goodies.

[Ambra]

Hi Airy, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Being alone and in a limbo always sucks, it seems like you need someone who is closer and more supportive to you in this moment.. have you tried to email what you wrote to your therapist? I don't mean everything, but the part about your feelings. Maybe she didn't realize how you are really feeling, It often happens with me too, that my T doesn't realize how much I struggle because I just don't open up. Or if you think it's not the case, would you consider interviewing another couple of Ts just to see how it goes? doesn't mean you have to leave yours now.
Sending you hugs

[RedSun]

Hey airy
I agree with ambra. And you could definitely see another t without terminating yours.
You know, I hadn't ever thought about the letter business before. You're right, IMO, it does seem bonkers that I could go and get f cup boobs if I wanted and no one would question it...

This sounds very alienating on her part. Have you otherwise had a good relationship, or is the understanding that you're there because you have to be in order to get the letter for surgery? If it's the later, can you find one who's more understanding of your situation? It seems that you're picking up on a coldness or distance from her that could be real or could be projection, but if she's not around, it's hard for you to work that out.

I guess I'm mostly bothered by her saying she'd get back to you for scheduling. If it's the flu, she's not going to have it forever. Sounds to me like she wants the holidays off. I hope I'm wrong, but the vibe is pretty funky.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Airy

(The whole letter business is a little absurd and logically inconsistent to begin with. For example, surgeons require it for reassignment surgery on a part of your body 99% of the population doesn't even see. But, if you want to get Facial Feminization Surgery, where the surgeon reshapes your skull to look feminine, no letter required, for the part of your body everyone sees everyday! Or breast augmentation, no problem there. But obviously, if you want a vagina you're crazy until proven otherwise.

Well, unlike breasts or the trivial ability to breastfeed a newborn infant, a p e n i s is so astronomically valuable, irreplaceable, amazing body part that only a true loonie would be willing to consider parting with it

But, all sarcasm aside, I am sorry that you have to go through this bullsh*t to become who you were meant to be. It should be easier, cheaper, and more supportive than it is.

But on the issue of your therapist-- I really think you would benefit from reaching out to her for support, and taking what she says at face value (that she had the flu, etc), Don't give yourself an excuse to not connect. Tell her how you felt, but don't fade into the background. Take the initiative and call for another appointment as soon as you can. You deserve to feel supported and taken care of.

[Airy]

Hey everyone, sorry I never replied to your supportive posts. I feel bad about that and appreciated your input.

There's a follow up to this; I saw my T for a couple sessions at the end of December/start of January. I hadn't brought up any of my feelings above. During our last session she mentioned the following week she had an all day obligation. Fair enough, I thanked her for letting me know in advance. Fast forward to the week after that and she notified me that she couldn't make our scheduled appointment because of a her aunt died; she could do a morning appointment that day. It's too late imo to inform work of the change. I don't like taking time off work for therapy but when you work 10-7 it's harder to fit in, so I take it during lunch break. I digress.

This cancellation really upsets me! Work has been burning me out. I'm crying more often. There's a part of me that feels so inadequate and incompetent about everything (appearance, life skills, intelligence, self worth you name it) and the feeling is so large right now. I'm also working toward gender confirmation surgery with her. Not to mention a receptionist clocked me this morning, which brought out the tears. It upsets me that these feelings are trumped by the gravity of her family death and I don't have a place for them. I wish I could just file them away and be more compassionate.

I wanted to talk about these issues, any of them! And looked forward to my appointment with her. Usually I look forward to our sessions.

I essentially wrote to her what I posted in my first post. She was apologetic, understanding and supportive. She offered to do an earlier session next week.

She said all the right things and...I want to turn away, too wounded. My posture is much more oppositional now, I don't feel like we are a team.

I like her and I've struggled to find a therapist I connect with. That's only happened with one other therapist. But....I don't know what's the point? Therapy seems pointless when therapeutic relationships can be so fatally and fundamentally flawed. I've done several consultations and seen a decent share before and they're either robots, poor listeners, forgetful, don't tune in, blab their mouths off, or don't show up. I want to say fine I'll do this **** without any of your support. How different is it from seeing a therapist with 3-4 week breaks in between.

Will I keep seeing her? Yes. But yuck, I'd like my therapeutic relationships to be more healing instead of an obstacle on top. Id like to attend sessions!, and have confidence they won't disappear more than 40% of the time.