[purplemoon]

I emailed my T yesterday morning about some of the things that I think. I told him in the email that I was afraid to say these things to him for fear of his reaction. I also told him that I am afraid that he is not going to want to continue with me. There were a couple more items, but I won't go into those. Anyhow he has not emailed me back. Usually when I email him I recieve a response fairly quickly. I expected a response. I am now wondering if I should have emailed him? What is he thinking? I don't know exactly what it was that I wanted from him. I am really confused and I feel shame that I expressed my feelings to him in an email. I also think that maybe I should have stated things differently. I don't know why this relationship means so much to me. The last day or so I have been thinking about quitting going. I am afraid to do that - I know that I really need this. But I think it is time to be honest and open with what I think. I usually do not share what I think. I go in there and say this is what has occured and he gives me feedback. Usually I do the things that he suggests but I never say anything about have done the suggestion or what I even think about the suggestion. I think I may be much more closed than I realized. I am not sure what is going on here. Any ideas guys?

[Fuzzybear]

I so understand where you're at

Sorry, that's all I have to say

[purplemoon]

Thanks Fuzzy!!! It so sucks huh?

[(JD)]

(((Hugs))) I think the relationship grows as we realize they really do care, that we are caring back, and that they are beginning to understand who we are... and maybe that they have shown how much work we have to do on ourselves and we fear that....

That love-hate relationship... we love them because they care, but because we aren't used to being cared for/about, we hate them to push them away. we love them because they know how to help us, and we hate them because that means we have to dredge up all the "bad" stuff about us...

stuff like that?

It is SOOOOO therapy! Therapy is hard work...hang in there with your T.

I am right there with you. My T always calls me back the same day that I call him. Well, I called a few weeks ago and he didn't get back to me until the next day. Then I had a lot of time to stew in it, and also feel stupid and ashamed for calling to share my feelings. There can be many reasons why your T hasn't emailed you back yet. And as long as it's helping even in some small way, from emailing him, try not to feel ashamed.

Oh, and here's a suggestion to possibly becoming more open and honest with your T, and talking about feelings rather than occurrences. Do you write in a journal? If not, you can even print out some of your posts on here. My T told me to bring in my journal, and not to even feel like I have to open it if I don't want to. So I brought it in, and I kept in on my lap the whole time. I referred to it a few times to remember things I had thought of during the week, but mostly, I just held it. Just holding a book right there that contained my uncensored thoughts and feelings, facillitated more open and honest talk with T. To this day I sometimes hold my journal in my lap for the session if there is something very difficult in there that I want to talk about. It's a very powerful feeling to have all of your rawness right there in a book with T in the same room.

[purplemoon]

Thank you Sky. I always feel like I am failing at therapy. Glad to know I am on the right track.

Thanks Pinksoil. I don't really journal - every few weeks I do a recap of what has been going on in my life. But never really anything about my thoughts or feelings. Sometimes I think that I don't want to acknowledge my thoughts - actually I really do not want to at all. And for feelings - I have a really hard time with feelings - I hate them!! I didn't have them for a long long time and now they are starting to come in little waves. It is so so strange. I don't think they are right. Can you feel wrong?

Well - anyhow T emailed me back. He thanked me for sharing and said we would talk about it when I come in. Of course now I am wondering what he means by thanking me??? I am so insecure - I need to get a grip, a serious grip. Oh yeah and I want to cancel my appointment on Monday as we may actually talk about what I wrote. I don't know if I am ready for that. I think it is time to become very very real with T and that scares the heck out of me.

[(JD)]

hehehe T thanking you for sharing is just that, imo. He understands that it was not easy, and thus why you emailed in the first place. You do go ...to therapy...and if you don't wish to discuss it, just say so. I don't know of any Ts personally that that have dragged information out of patient

What do you think scares you about being real with T? That saying something makes it seem "real?" Or that you fear T not liking you or not wishing to work with you after you share?

My T doesn't do email. I think that's a good thing, for me...and for him. We do okay on phone sessions, probably because of the relationship over time we've built up... but the actual face to face...well there's just nothing to compare with "real" than that!

TC

[purplemoon]

What scares me hmmm? Quite a lot of things. I think that if I say it it will be real. I have lived in my own world for a very very long time and now for some reason I am becoming very enlightened. I cannot pretend that it isn't there and I still try but if I speak it write it or acknowledge it well then there is no going back. I also am very afraid that T won't like me and that he won't continue to see me. I desperately seek approval. It is a real issue for me. I never argue or even disagree for fear that you won't like me. I am way way to insecure. It has been a difficult road to get this far with T.

[(JD)]

Won't it be great to go and share and have T validate you? T's don't base their "likes and dislikes" on what things you're having difficulty with...that's why they went into psychotherapy, to help ppl like that. IMO they might base a like or dislike on whether you are mean or violent or something like that TO THEM... and no one likes that anyway.

[purplemoon]

Do you think T's like or dislike their client? How would you know if they liked or disliked you? Would they work with someone they didn't dislike. I want so much for my T to like me. I am sure he thinks I am just pathetic.

purplemoon, you're worry is creating scenarios in your mind.

All that is for sure is that you emailed him... and he hasn't emailed back yet.

Stay with that and don't go down that road of what if's. He can email you back or not email you back. He may not have even read it yet. He may be thinking about it carefully and thoughtfully. But all you know for sure, all that is real, is that he hasn't emailed you back. The reason(s) for that are being created by you and causing you distress.

I hope you feel better.

(((purplemoon)))