Terminated by a text. AM I AN ABUSER?? GOING CRAZY

What is this about?

In my opinion it was but I don't think anything bad about the OP and I completely agree the therapist was wrong. She should have addressed it with her in a completely different way. I'm talking about generally speaking i would have no responded at all or if I did, responded in a way caring and validating and ask to schedule another appointment. Then bring up the text message. My clients who did what OP did that's what I do, I never scolded them etc.

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Well, I don't know what you do for a living, but we do certainly disagree about this reported incident and therapists in general. I do not believe in treating therapists with kid gloves or like they are somehow special.

No I did not mean intrusive. I meant in my opinion, it was rude and disrespectful. Perhaps it the way it was written, it does come across that way to me. I don't know you or your relationship, I am offering an opinion base on what you wrote, I think nothing bad of you.
I do not think your an abusive in anyway nor do I agree with your T reaction. I think she was very harsh and unfair to you in that sense. However I can understand why she reacted the way she did and agree she has the right to tell you if she did not like it. I completely think she should have done a respectful, reassuring and assertive way... I sorry you going through a hard time with her. I really hope it all works out brilliantly for you !



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OP - in terms of the letters, was that therapist already in the process of writing them? IF so, you could send a formal request for them. If it were me, I would never go back to that one.

Oh I am not talking about giving them special treatment at all. I'm AGREE WITH you all in that her reaction was wrong and that the OP did nothing terribly wrong, just that it came off rude and disrespectful ! But I believe in that therapists in general like any other professionals have the right to set boundaries on how they are treated by others or talk too. Anyways we can agree to disagree. Lol.


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Indeed we shall have to disagree on the whole of it. Therapists are not delicate special flowers for clients to bow down to or to treat like gods or to be worried about letting the therapist know how their ill-treatment is upsetting to a client. A client gets to let the therapist know when they are screwing up and doing so is not disrespectful nor rude.
I actually would laugh if a therapist ever told me I was disrespectful to them. I don't think such a thing is possible.
But if it were, the first question I would ask is Has the therapist earned the respect they seem to expect? Usually I would say absolutely not.

I do not believe in treating a T in a "special" way but I do have enough respect for her that I don't think being an a**hole to her is acceptable. Getting angry and frustrated? Sure yelling and screaming? Sure it's not my job to make sure she is ok. But I see no reason why being horrible should be allowed to go on.

Recently I said something to my T that came from a hurt place and she held me to it. She said that she valued the relationship we have and wanted to challenge my flawed thinking and idea. She was right. I hated being pulled up on it. It felt awful. But she made sure she was saying this not to scold or judge me but because this thinking style is holding me back in other areas and she really wanted to look at this with me. I think this is wonderful and helps push me to growth and hold some issues to light. SD I know we disagree and that your belief is a T should contain all of it. Yes they should hear it and no they shouldn't get angry. It's not their place. To evoke change though I see real value in discussing the behaviour.

allllll of that being said and back to the OP none oof what happened was done in a safe, nuturing environment to promote growth. It was scolding and very very reactive to say what this T did. It has no place in helping or benefitting the client in anyway. Wrong or right to say what you did (and I see no harm in asking what's up given the nature of your previous relationship) it is extremely hurtful to try and terminate the way she did. It shows a lack of respect.

By setting boundaries is not saying their delicate flowers nor do they have to be treat like gods nor does the client have to worried about upsetting the therapist. Setting boundaries and letting someone know that they do not appreciate someone's words or actions is simply building a healthy respectful relationship between two people in order for that relationship to work well. Of course clients can let their T know there is something wrong or they are screwing up but they have right to be told in a respectful and assertive way.

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If it is why you see a therapist and it works for you, then fine. It is not why I see one nor would I tolerate such behavior from a therapist.

OP - have you decided to quit seeing this one?

Even when a therapist screws up in as many egregious ways as the OPs has, it is so very hard to leave a therapist that you are strongly attached to.

The text was passive aggressive at worst. People who can't tolerate mentally ill people acting like mentaly ill people maybe need a different profession than treating mentally ill people.

Just saying, I don't know if the OP is mentally ill, but let's not forget what the profession is about.

"Please find yourself another therapist" *is* termination. The fact that T then pulls back from that just shows how unstable she is.

My advice: don't go to a therapist crazier than you.

Her lack of skill and professionalism with you has been true for months and discussed at length in many threads. Yet still you apparently are with her. I wonder: What are the gains, the benefits that keep you in this unproductive and unprofessional relationship, in spite of it all?

Look up the term gasslighting and see if it applies to how you feel you are being treated.

(((IG))) I don't think you are evil incarnate, nor do I believe that of your T. But I do wonder about her level of drama in her life, as you've described it, and why that is. It points to a need in her that when played out is very destructive for you. As long as she is able to contain it, you seem to benefit. But she hasn't shown herself able to contain whatever this is in her, and that makes her inconsistent in her relationship with you. There may have been solid gains in certain ways, but perhaps now the challenges are different in ways that she can't provide. It says nothing about you. It is her battle to face.

Hello again-
I just wanted to comment on what you wrote here, thinking you might not be able to kill off the voice that suggests this was your fault, fearing that you are the problem and the spawn of the devil, as you phrased it. I know about the relentless inner voice that constantly tries to tear me apart, that fears that if there is a problem, if something goes wrong, it had to be because of me. I can empathize with you as I know how painful and powerful that voice is but I have a suggestion. If that voice returns and you feel self-doubt about what happened with your therapist here-read through this thread again and all the people who have told you that you are not at all the spawn of the devil. You were not being abusive to your therapist. I hope it helps to battle against that voice. I wish you peace and self-compassion.

No one has ever said Ts are special and/or should be treated with kid gloves. It is basic social skills to tread people, regardless of their job title, with the same respect we expect in return. So with thar in mind I'm having trouble understanding how it isn't possible to disrespect a therapist. Is it not possible to disrespect other people in general, or just therapists for some reason? And if that's the case, why is that so? People are all different and some are kinder than others, so we should behave accordingly. I don't think that means we should make blanket statements how certain people deserve more or less respect than others because of what they do for a living. Honestly there are some professionals (teachers, T's, any public service person...) who receive and are expected to tolerate more rudeness and disrespect than the average person. It just goes with the territory.

That said, none of this applies to the OP's text. I guess "rude" is more subjective so some people will see it as such and some won't. I didn't find it terribly rude and definitely not disrespectful. And even if it was, unless it was threatening, I think it is part of the Ts job to suck it up and address it in session, not over text.

I understand people here disagree with me and how I approach therapists. Perhaps what I consider disrespect is different from what others do because I have never read about something I would consider to be disrespectful in context of dealing with a therapist. Not just on this thread - but on any of them. I don't usually get all worried about respect or not in real life either at me or me at others. I can't think of a time when it has ever come up.
I do think some people on here get too concerned at times about upsetting the therapist and a lot of the advice/comments is often for the client to submit - just how I see it.

I think your T needs a T.
You can take yourself out of the situation and find a skilled T.
That's just nonsensical.

Best advice EVER.

As for questioning why the OP stays in this relationship, I would imagine it's the same reason she's in therapy. It's very hard to extract oneself from an abusive relationship, especially if the person that's supposed to help is re-enacting the scenario.

IG, I hope this time, you can break free.

Thank you. Nope, I view therapy as part of my life's work, I never see a definite end point.

I plan to go to an art therapy class and do some psychodrama and a mindfulness class, while waiting to see if I get accepted onto the therapy programme I was assessed for, which would start sometime this summer.

I do feel stable and upbeat at the moment, which is good, and I suspect largely due to getting some great medication. But I am not so naive as to think with certainty that I could never slip again, and like I say I know I have work to do.

Not with this therapist, however. When I begged for a second chance...it was total knee jerk, total replaying dysfunctional relationships that have gone before. And then after five minutes I felt doutbful. Like I wanted to back away slowly from the whole situation.

I actively disliked her, not in a 'waves of emotion' way, but in a 'hmm, that's really not acceptable to treat me like that' sort of way. It felt very hurtful indeed, but it didn't overflow into my whole head and consume me with pain. Was more worried about wanting to try to objectively assess was I really being abusive - that alarmed me - and slowly started to think, no, actually, I am not. And that is also unforgivable of her to throw that at me.

Hankster, I am most definitely not her client. This is not therapy, remotely. 'Client' is laughable. I am not catastrophizing in the least.

She is either offering the next session so that she can say she terminated me by the book in person (after the disgraceful text termination) OR if I go in suitably chastised, begging and pleading and tugging my forelock for another chance - complete with a written journal of my transgressions against humanity, ffs - then I guess if that feeds her ego enough, she might let me stay.

Neither of those is ok. Neither is therapeutic. Both are manifestations of a wholly unprofessional and damaging toxic relationship.

No, she was not already writing them, so no joy. To be fair to her, she has written a good letter in the past, so I know if we were in a 'good' spell she would have written good ones again. Unfortunately that won't happen now.

Yes, I have.

Very true. However I don't feel the attachment very much anymore. I feel sad when I think of it all going wrong, but not the limpet-like attachment.

This is bang on! And also made me laugh

This also made me laugh!

And yeah, glad that other people saw that as a clear termination, because to me there was no other way of reading it. It was quite blunt.

Love. Love was the gain. I love her, no doubt about it, even though I now also find her massively hurtful. It's like this time she has done one too many thoughtless and unprofessional things that has just taken my breath away.

And it is tremendously confusing when someone does really great stuff for you and demonstrates love, affection, tenderness, in a very authentic manner, and then acts with carelessness in the next move.

As she pointed out a couple of weeks ago she doesn't spend fifteen hundred pounds on somebody else's therapy if she doesn't care. She doesn't give up her free time to come with me to appointments, etc. She has done so many good things. Unfortunately, it doesn't make the bad things ok.

I am familiar with gaslighting from my research on domestic abuse. The irony is not lost on me.

Thank you Yes, it is all very bewildering and unsettling.

There is just no way I could go back and trust her after that exchange.

Thanking my lucky stars I didn't agree with her suggestion of getting stuck into discussing sexual trauma two weeks ago. There's no solid ground beneath our feet.

I don't know if it is drama in her life, or if I just cause unfortunate surges of rage in her

Thank you for this I am sure I will struggle with that voice at times - that that is exactly the seminal issue of why I can't work with this therapist anymore. She is far too over-invested and that makes it impossible, she either does incredibly loving things or incredibly mean things, when it is not her place. I need somebody capable of neutrality.

Thank you. I'm not staying in it. It's not therapy anymore. Over the last ten months there have been weeks where it has been therapeutic, but mostly it has not been, and that's not good enough.

I am very glad to hear that you are no longer seeing her.

I too, am very glad to hear you are not going back to that one.

Me as well!