'85: "We Are The (Couch) World..."

Nothing to report just good thoughts for everyone, here's to a peaceful night!

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Bath was ok. So glad. She is now kicking like crazy and almost hitting her feet on the edges. I think I need to start bathing her in the tub since she is outgrowing her baby tub and I don't want her to get hurt. Ugh that thought stresses me out... The big tub is harder to keep super clean.

I used one similar to this and it can be used up to toddlers

The First Years Sure Comfort Deluxe Newborn-to-Toddler Tub with Sling - TOMY - Babies "R" Us

I think I need something with less areas to bump herself on...

I am struggling tonight. I am struggling with feeling guilty. I keep on telling myself that I shouldn't be getting so depressed, I have been doing so well. I feel guilty that I have been doing great work in therapy, and how much T had recognized it. I don't want to go in on Monday (if the snow holds off) and tell him that I can feel myself going back. I don't want to admit to myself that maybe all the work I do with T isn't enough, maybe I do need to start thinking about trying EMDR and really seriously consider meds again. For some reason, I can't seem to keep myself in a good place for very long. I feel guilty for needing my T's support even in the midst of him dealing with his son's stuff. I wish I could be stable enough to say.. no problem T, my missed appointment isn't a big deal because I am doing so well. I am just so disgusted by myself tonight.

Hugs healed... It sucks to feel guilty.

Alright couch... Think I'm going to bed. Feeling anxious... Maybe I can sleep it off.

JS and stopdog i know i shouldnt be relying onhim but hes the only person i know. I know its givingmy power over to him but 20 years worth of habits are hard to break. Thanks for the concern guys

I have a cold and all i want to do is snuggle up inbed, but housework needs to be done. Can't wait til i get a vacuum cleaner. Sweeping does n't do my heart anty good.

Most of us here have been hurt by our parents. Some of us never want to see them again, but for others, there is still love in spite of the pain. Fraught though it be, you'd still want to see them again occasionally. And that's how I feel about Madame T.

I think I have PTSD. Heard a noise (thought it was at the window) but it wasn't, almost jumped out of my skin, adrenaline pumping, can't catch my breath, hyper-vigilant since then. Sounds just like DD1. WTF?????

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Why is it such a taboo thing to say that some things we wish for in life may be unreachable and impossible to achieve, and that it might often be much more productive to work on changing our expectations? I don't see what is wrong with that outlook on life at all.

Up feeding... Then back to bed. Super tired.

It seems to me that a lot of the time when people say things like that, particularly on this board, their expectations are not unreasonable or unattainable. The idea that the desire is unacceptable seems to be coming from a place of low self esteem, self abuse, fear of change, or a low level of self-efficacy. I think that may be the driving force behind some of the reactions to statements of that nature.

Very little in life is truly impossible.

I agree wholeheartedly (in today's society with every kid getting a trophy, every good deed getting celebrated, and nobody being allowed to fail) that expectations are no longer reasonable. Sure with dedication, hard work, and struggle we can ALL succeed, but I will never be a supermodel or an astronaut or a famous singer. I'm not cut out for those things, and it's perfectly okay.

We can't all be perfect, but on the other hand we can't allow ourselves to say "depression is my normal state, so why should I pretend to feel better" either. Don't settle for the dregs, but don't be crushed if you never reach the stars.

I'm sure that doesn't make a lot of sense and may sound harsh, which is not my intention at all. I'm pragmatic, it's annoying.

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I think it depends upon the sort of thing one is talking about. I am short - I could never be the center for the Boston Celtics. But that does not mean I can't play basketball at all if that was a goal of mine. So I think it might depend upon the wish and the idea of what accomplishing it are.

I was convinced that there were certain things I was just never going to get from a relationship. I freaking HOUNDED my therapist and the marriage counselor about helping me to stop wanting those things. Both refused. Blathered on about healthy needs and desires. blah blah blah. However, my husband, hearing about what I thought those things that needed were, actually started trying to make some changes. As the marriage counselor said, I was not demanding anything from H, but he should at least have an opportunity to hear what I need and decide for himself whether he wanted to make an effort to meet my needs/wants, etc. He said I was being unfair to H by not letting him know. [He also said at one point to my H that he was being ultra annoying and not making an effort, and the MC anticipated we would be divorced within a year if H didn't do something differently.]

In any event, H did start doing things differently. He made an effort to meet my needs, and I made a huge effort not to see his anxieties about confrontation as weakness. I think our relationship has improved dramatically and I no longer feel like I have this huge gaping NEED that will forever go unfulfilled.

Along these lines - i dreamt of my mother again last night. In my dreams, she is changing, our relationship changes, corresponding to how i am changing in t. But thats not where she is IRL. in my dreams, i can talk back to her and nothing bad happens - my statements or questions "hold"; she recedes. IRL, she still places herself in the foreground and i am a speck on the horizon.

Good to know men can change or maybe I mean it's nice to know there men out there that try. Not that I am perfect by any means, but I work my *** of these days and h is still an insensitive asshole.

(((Healed))), Yeah...men need to be interested in trying. I went to couple's counseling for my last relationship, and the therapist said that my now ex-boyfriend was never going to change because he didn't want to. Not that wanting to change fixes anything automatically, but a willingness to improve a relationship (by improving himself) is a definite start.

Every time I talk to my father (I just did), I want to bang my head against the wall. It's just so frustrating never, ever being heard.
And THAT will never, ever change.

Well, I am where you were at the start of that. And since I have no wish for H to change, can't see how he could possibly fill my "needs" (which I don't think are needs anyway - that's why I think I should simply change my expectations), and don't know why I would want him to, I get rather frustrated with T when he keeps insisting that I'm unfair to H. If T thinks that it is my duty as a spouse to inform my husband of how I am feeling, that is one thing and I can tell him what a stupid notion that is - but he seems to genuinely believe that I should want to get H involved. And I simply can't see how that could do anything other than make me miserable, make H miserable, and probably end our marriage.

Sorry about that paragraph. I hope it's halfway understandable. I need to start writing less complex sentences.

Also, T is really angry with H, which scares me a little. I must have painted a very unfair picture of him.

StressedMess, being pragmatic is not annoying. Trust me.

I will say this for my T: he doesn't claim that there is any particular ingredient or thing that a romantic relationship necessarily has to include. His only concern is that my marriage makes me unhappy, not that I'm specifically not getting x, y, or z from the marriage. And in any case, I wouldn't get x or z anyway, and y I can get elsewhere, so why am I complaining? Don't listen to me, I'm just whining.

Whine away
Hey couch, I'm learning loads this week! I'm supposed to be writing a 3000 word assignment, due in tomorrow...haven't officially started yet but it's in my thoughts ...but I'm learning so much more work avoiding on here!

I know the feeling. In a way I'm fortunate in that I have no choice but to cut all ties. I'm literally forced to reach out and make new connections.
One thing I've learned though is that people in general really want to be helpful. Perhaps your neighbors can loan you a spanner to fix your bike. Or maybe they might know a good mechanic. Start with stuff like that.