So this is the first week of the two week therapy break. Yesterday I emailed an online friend, whom I've met and will be having at my home again in 3weeks, and as soon as I'd emailed her I felt that maybe I was too needy. Maybe I will drive her away with my constant being in touch? and my need to be in touch is because I need to know she's still "there, that she hasn't left me, but of course why would she? Its all fear in my head.

Of course yet again this us ungrounded thoughts that I have. So I was journalling last night still trying to comprehend what my loveless childhood means to me.

I still keep getting hooked on the moment when I was 4 when my adoptive mother dropped the bombshell that she wasn't my real mother. My adoptive mother I have come to learn suffers from a personality disorder so things were never great but this moment when she told me this news echo's in my mind all the time.

As I was journaling and thinking about how awful it must have been for me back then to have to try to comprehend this information? Not having a "loving" mother to guide me through the shock I was left to deal with it by myself.

In a moment of clarity last night it was like I knew exactly what I did to deal with this news, I "lost" myself, not only did I loose me, I lost my adoptive mother and lost the only world i had come to know. I also learnt that I had another mother and in the same moment had to loose her too.

This Loosing myself is the most painful of things. I became a ghost, a shadow of who I once was. I think when T has a break I remember how it felt to loose myself way back yrs ago and I fear that loosing myself again and while I'm with T I feel myself but when I'm not I loose myself, accept now I cannot loose myself like I did as a child, because I am adult, I have more life experience off "WHO I AM" and when T isn't with me, I still exist, unlike the moment adoptive mum told me she wasn't my real mum anymore, its like who we were together ceased in that moment, in loosing her I lost me because a child does'nt realy have a full independent self at this age.

But understanding that though T isnt here, I still am, I still have my likes and dislikes, I am alive!

I think I get caught up in over mapping me and T with me and adoptive mum all those yrs ago, and when T goes its like that moment all over again and I go and the relationship between me and T ceases, but it doesn't because its today, its the here and now!

I've compared all my relationships to this over mapping. But when I compare relationships to my healty ongoing relationship I have with T, it all calms down and is hopeful.

Its like in my unconsious, all things get compared to "that" moment many yrs ago, that moment when I lost mum as I knew her, when I lost my safe life as I knew it, when I lost me!

Hope this makes sense????????

I know T still exists even if shes not here at the moment and I know "we" me and her will carry on when she comes back and I know there isn't anything she can say to me that will have the same "lost" effect as hearing my mum wasnt mum had. It can't because i have words and understanding today as an adult, I can't loose me.

[Becca07]

I can't say exactly strong enough, because that's what started freaking me out yesterday.

I keep going back to this - I can't quite call it a fight, as the yelling was one sided - thing between my mother and I in January, trying to figure out why I was reliving it on a daily basis.

Yesterday I realized that for me, that was it, nothing was safe with her any longer. That I can't trust her to keep an interaction safe, and that I have to avoid giving her anything she might turn against me.

It's quite a shattering experience.

Becca

Becca, Yes its an emotional abandoment. When the person who "should" be the person we can most trust with our safety, turns out to be untrustworthy, that is a shattering experience! I agree!

[Becca07]

All I want to do is flail around yelling it's not fair, when I know I have to figure out a way to deal with it. I never wanted to be the adult in the relationship.

Becca

Becca, Yes that is one of the greatest crimes. To have to be the adult instead of the "cherished" child. You know I've tried and figure a way around this, tried to "fix" it sooooo many times. Now through my own healing I have moments of being able to finally parent my inner child and it feels so good! It doesnt seem to matter so much about the past in those moments. Only the moment matters. I'm sorry your feeling this too at the moment, but know it is true, things do get better. I know those seem like empty words to you right now, but just keep on keeping on and one day you will be the most wonderful loving parent to your inner child!!

Take care and be gentle with you right now!

[Becca07]

It means a lot that you've been able to make progress on it. I think I'm feeling overwhelmed because so much is happening at once right now. And I would have liked to have been in therapy for longer than a month before this blew up, because we just don't have the kind of relationship that time will provide.

Must remember to be nice to myself. By the way, I'm sorry if I'm hijacking your thread. I was just really identifying with what you were saying. And I think I'm really needy right now.

Becca

Becca how are you feeling today?

Exactly, Mouse--even if T is on a break-- you are still here, and T exists. You are able to stay connected, there is proof in your insights.

I told my T last night that I wouldn't use his psychoanalytic couch because then he would be behind me, and it would be like he wasn't there.

I mean the guy would be 2 freaking feet behind me, but I would feel like he 's gone.

I still have a lot of work to do. Mouse, I hope that one day I can get to the point where like you, I will have a realization that T still exists, even if he's not directly in front of me.

I think you do wonderful work.

[Becca07]

Thanks for asking Mouse. I think I'm living heavily in the land of denial. I'm working very hard to keep myself distracted and not think about the things that were setting me off, or how I felt about them. Which is not healthy for the long term, but I'm hoping will let me get to Monday in one piece. After I see my T...well, I'm not thinking about that either. But I'm trying to get to a safe place before I face it again.

So I'm a little better than I was yesterday or the day before, but not great.

Beeca, Its got you've got Monday to hold onto for now!

Take care.