Don't want T to see me as weak

I've been doing quite well for months and months, my mood has been very even (I'm bipolar), anxiety at bay, asymptomatic in terms of eating disorder. In the past few weeks, I've been feeling somewhat down and very, very anxious. I've also been feeling drawn to restrict and have given in a few times.

I'm very honest with my therapist and pdoc and always have been. However, I'm finding that this feeling is coming up right now where I don't want to be quite honest with them because I suddenly want them to be proud of me, to think I'm doing well and am strong and brave and all of that. (I just want to say that this is nothing that they have put on me and all stuff that I have put on myself).

I told my T that I was feeling much better (she knew that I was struggling a bit) when I actually wasn't-and its very unlike me to not be completely truthful with her. I don't like it and I want to go to my appointment tomorrow and be up front, but I'm overcome with not wanting to appear "weak," or "pathetic" or a whole bunch of other things. (Again, my words, COMPLETELY not my Ts, or my pdocs).

Initially when I started getting down and it wasn't due to anything and wasn't clearing up, my T worried that I was entering a mood episode and that my meds needed adjusting (which happens every 6 months or so). She wanted me to get in touch with my pdoc immediately because as she put it "I haven't seen you like this in awhile" and "why suffer unnecessarily?" I insisted on waiting until my appointment because I didn't want to bother my pdoc, or act like this was a bigger deal than it was, and also because I didn't want to admit to my pdoc that I was struggling. My pdoc ended up needing to cancel our scheduled appointment because she was sick, and now I'll have to wait longer to see her and I have to admit, I'm getting a bit freaked.

I so much don't want to be seen as weak, I want my T and pdoc to know that their efforts haven't been in vain, that their work has been appreciated and integrated and I have guilt when my mood slips or when eating disorder stuff creeps in. Besides fearing that i look weak, I'm afraid that it looks like I'm not working hard.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post-maybe support, encouragement, insight? I see my T tomorrow and want to tell her that I'm struggling and that I need her help, I'm just not quite sure how.

I feel that same kind of guilt or a sense of having done something wrong, when it's just par for the course. It's discouraging on top of already feeling crappy, so I get it. The thing is, your therapist and pdoc understand that this is how it goes. Honestly, if one of them sees you struggling, it's better to get on top of it early than continue to drop. It's not your fault. Just the (bad) luck of the gene pool draw.

I have felt similar. I have contact with my ex-T and ex-counselor. When my life fell apart, I didn't want to tell them. I felt like I wasted their time and effort. That I disappointed them. So I didn't tell them...for 6 years. Once I started getting better, I finally told them the truth about those 6 years.

My ex-T's response:
"...You are a very determined young woman and I have faith that you will find your way in this world. I strongly believe that we all have a purpose and I approach life's challanges as just that...a challange and a opportunity for grownth. I encourage you to continue your growth and believe that you have a lot to offer. Keep your spirits up young lady, believe in yourself. Be purposeful in all that you do."

My ex-counselor's response:
"...I am glad that you are getting the support that you need to take care of yourself. Be proud of yourself and don't worry about making anyone else proud... I hope that you continue getting the care you need. And, please be patient with yourself."

Neither were disappointed in me. I was shocked. I was shocked that they even responded. But I realized that I wasn't failing anyone, and that by not reaching out I prolonged my suffering. I have a mental illness (hate that term btw). There's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not causing any of this to happen.

I hope that you can reach out to your T and Pdoc. You have not done anything wrong, and you're not a disappointment. Don't cause yourself to suffer through this alone and any longer than you have to.