[Petra5ed]

This is something my therapist casually worked into conversation. What does it mean? The interaction was me saying I couldn't do his job, and him saying people come in to talk about their problems and how to solve them and then "it's not like real life" was worked in there. I'm sure I'm forgetting things. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but the first place my mind went was that how he acts toward me isn't real, it's a show. That he cares about me isn't real, it's part of the performance. But maybe he just meant that in the real world people don't talk about their problems?

Maybe he was referring to the undivided and one-sided attention that's focused on the individual? In real life, it's back and forth, with interruptions and distractions. I don't think he was saying that caring about you is not real.

[IndestructibleGirl]

That's a really interesting remark for him to make.

I can see how he might have meant it - to reassure you that he won't get overwhelmed by it all, because the appropriate boundaries ensure that he is not consumed by all the crazy **** coming at him day after day. But I would feel a bit alienated too because it's like him saying that's not my reality. I would feel 'othered'.

[nervous puppy]

I struggle with that all the time. Since I know that therapy is pretty much a one way street, then T must be protecting herself/himself from having any feelings towards me. Just this afternoon I was thinking about how good an actor all T's must be to become a T.
But the thought that T doesn't care about me, well that just hurts a helluva lot.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Maybe he was referring to the undivided and one-sided attention that's focused on the individual? In real life, it's back and forth, with interruptions and distractions. I don't think he was saying that caring about you is not real.

I don't feel like my therapy is that one sided, but I get what you mean. We have conversations though, we both talk an equalish amount, I know some about him and he knows some about me.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

That's a really interesting remark for him to make.

I can see how he might have meant it - to reassure you that he won't get overwhelmed by it all, because the appropriate boundaries ensure that he is not consumed by all the crazy **** coming at him day after day. But I would feel a bit alienated too because it's like him saying that's not my reality. I would feel 'othered'.

Thanks, I feel "othered" that's a good word for it. Is it crazy that it's the realest part of my week usually????

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

I struggle with that all the time. Since I know that therapy is pretty much a one way street, then T must be protecting herself/himself from having any feelings towards me. Just this afternoon I was thinking about how good an actor all T's must be to become a T.
But the thought that T doesn't care about me, well that just hurts a helluva lot.

Yeah, I'm getting more desensitized to it but it does hurt to realize I'm probably not that important to him.

Just to clarify: I meant one-sided in that you're in therapy for you (at least I am), not whether or not there are conversations and sharing. In that way, I don't think therapy is at all like real life. Maybe too, now that I think about it, there is less emotional investment on the therapist's part; otherwise, it would be hard to deal with that many problems in a week. I do think my therapist cares in a real way, and that's not something I ever thought would mean anything to me.

[WikidPissah]

It isn't real life though. Where in real life do you sit down and spout off issues and problems constantly? When do you focus totally on you and no one else? T cares, but it's in a different sort of way, like I care for my clients. (accounting). I want them to get the best interest on their buck, have fool proof programs and plans in place. I want them to have that early retirement. I don't think about that when I'm home with my family though, or when out with the hubs.

[stopdog]

I count on it not being real life (although the one I see gets all huffy when I remind her she is not real in my life). Therapists play a part - a role. I hope they are different with people in their real lives.

My T always had said I can't just keep what we talk about, what I discover, what I learn, and leave it in his office, that his office is not real life. I have to take it out into my world and use it; that's where real life happens.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

My T always had said I can't just keep what we talk about, what I discover, what I learn, and leave it in his office, that his office is not real life. I have to take it out into my world and use it; that's where real life happens.

I need it to be real life, or I don't want to be in this life. It's the only part of my life that's real.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I count on it not being real life (although the one I see gets all huffy when I remind her she is not real in my life). Therapists play a part - a role. I hope they are different with people in their real lives.

I don't think my T is playing a role. She's authentic with me and always has been. We have a real relationship even though therapy is not "real life" compared to the life we live outside of therapy. They are both real, though.

[UnderRugSwept]

For me, I hire my therapists to do a job (that is how I define a "role.") They work for me. It's not "real life" because the setting is entirely artificially created and very controlled. With that being said, I do believe that even within those parameters my Ts care about me, and as long as they are empathetic and validating, that is good enough for me.

I think it is hard for us to guess what he intended by that statement, possibly he intended something a bit different to how it sounded? I doubt he intended his statement to be equated with the idea that 'therapists aren't genuine'.

I think my relationship with my T is different to others due to the intensity, due to the absolute honesty that I try to have, due to the fact that I share private things that I don't always tell other people. My relationships with people outside therapy all have elements of this, but not to the same degree. I think that my relationships with other people are changing as a result of my therapy. To me my relationship with my T is 100% real.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I need it to be real life, or I don't want to be in this life. It's the only part of my life that's real.

What does that mean to you? I don't for a minute think my T's care and support is just a role for him. He is very authentic and real with me in that sense. But his point is that I can't just do the work within his office. His office isn't the real world where my life happens. I have to apply, practice, use, everything I learn within the safety of his office (which is an artificial construct in that it doesn't mimic the real world) outside his office where I have to really live life, with all the reality that comes with day to day living.

Therapy is actually more real than some of the other relationships some clients have.
Many clients create fantasy bonds rather than real intimacy relationships
A trained T will be honest and spontaneous with a client. Whilst outside we play out our scripts, believing this is real.

True. But the reality is that real life relationships are messy; real life is messy. We have to learn to navigate that messiness, to see life realistically instead of expecting it to be some fantasy that just can't exist. If we think the dynamic in therapy is what real life actually IS like, it just isn't going to be. If we learn that perhaps real relationships ideally should be the way they are in therapy, but understand realistically that they probably won't be, then we can learn to function in healthy ways with the real life stresses that we encounter day to day. We can learn to respect ourselves enough to set reasonable boundaries, have reasonable expectations, handle the stresses of life as they come. We don't have the cushion of that therapist outside those four walls, but we can learn to take the skills and insights we gain through therapy out into real life with us.

[divine1966]

My t cares about my well being the same or similar way she cares about her other clients. I don't believe fur a minute she would do this job if she didn't care for us at all. I teach special Ed high school I care for my students otherwise I would never be able to go my job, I chose this job because I care. In that sense it is all real.

But the point is whatever I share with t is what happens in my real life and whatever she suggests to me like the strategies to use I carry over to my real life. In that sense therapy isn't real life it is a place where I can learn how to be better in real life.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

I struggle with that all the time. Since I know that therapy is pretty much a one way street, then T must be protecting herself/himself from having any feelings towards me. Just this afternoon I was thinking about how good an actor all T's must be to become a T.
But the thought that T doesn't care about me, well that just hurts a helluva lot.

I don't think this is true at all. At least for a T who works psychodynamically or psychoanalytically, their feelings about a client are like a tuning fork--they're indispensable to doing therapy. The skill is in being very attuned to their feelings, but recognizing which parts reflect themselves and which reflect the client, so as not to impose or project their perspective onto the client. This is what allows them to be able to both deeply understand and empathize, while also being apart and objective enough to keep our interests paramount. They couldn't help us if they were consumed by our suffering, but they also couldn't help us if they were immune to our suffering.

For me, very little of therapy was taking skills learned out into "real life." Perhaps a more CBT oriented approach would lend itself to this. Certainly the understanding of self that I gained had influence beyond the T's office; and as my perspective of self changed, so did my actions both within and beyond my T's office. I don't think of therapy as not real life, simply a different slice of real life.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

What does that mean to you? I don't for a minute think my T's care and support is just a role for him. He is very authentic and real with me in that sense. But his point is that I can't just do the work within his office. His office isn't the real world where my life happens. I have to apply, practice, use, everything I learn within the safety of his office (which is an artificial construct in that it doesn't mimic the real world) outside his office where I have to really live life, with all the reality that comes with day to day living.

I don't know how to describe what I feel except that talking with my therapist feels like the only time I'm not alone. There's something that at least feels real about the connection we have, I am actually with someone, he is present with me in that moment that just doesn't happen for me outside of therapy.

[archipelago]

I just see this in a metaphorical way, like real life is an unedited filming while therapy consists of a set of deliberate and usually careful still photos with chances to edit and reedit. It is like saying art isn't real life. Well, that is true I guess, but why does that devalue art? or make it seem "fake"? Art enhances our experiences.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I don't know how to describe what I feel except that talking with my therapist feels like the only time I'm not alone. There's something that at least feels real about the connection we have, I am actually with someone, he is present with me in that moment that just doesn't happen for me outside of therapy.

I think I totally get this feeling--like only being emotionally alive/seen within the time and space of therapy. But that power really is within you, and the relationship with your T is helping to make space for it, encouraging it, and helping to sustain it. There will come a time when you will feel that same aliveness in other areas and with other people in your life. And, paradoxically, the relationship with your T will feel more real, but in a different way.

This makes me feel hopeful...thank you

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think I totally get this feeling--like only being emotionally alive/seen within the time and space of therapy. But that power really is within you, and the relationship with your T is helping to make space for it, encouraging it, and helping to sustain it. There will come a time when you will feel that same aliveness in other areas and with other people in your life. And, paradoxically, the relationship with your T will feel more real, but in a different way.

Hugs (((Petra5ed)))

It's real ,for sure.

From within the context of what you wrote below, I think he just meant it's not as difficult as you think. Like Liketysplit said-it's less emotional investment that with relationships outside of therapy. Likely it involves some compartmentalization on his part, which perhaps makes it not as difficult as one would expect. That's how I interpret his words.

FKM wrote something inspiring. I felt 'dead' during my loveless childhood. Therapy brought me alive too. That connection means so much.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I need it to be real life, or I don't want to be in this life. It's the only part of my life that's real.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

This is something my therapist casually worked into conversation. What does it mean? The interaction was me saying I couldn't do his job, and him saying people come in to talk about their problems and how to solve them and then "it's not like real life" was worked in there. I'm sure I'm forgetting things. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it, but the first place my mind went was that how he acts toward me isn't real, it's a show. That he cares about me isn't real, it's part of the performance. But maybe he just meant that in the real world people don't talk about their problems?

[Ford Puma]

Sadly that this true. Therapy is not real life as such. The number of rules and boundaries etc make it the most constrained relationship of any kind.
I am aware and always will be that T is a stop gap. An aid for my life. Assistance help of kinds. To allow to much control to be handed over to T is a mistake. To invest my soul in its entire would be for me a mistake. I give what I fell I need to give. I look for what I feel I need. I never let day dreams to over come my emotional self. I still protect myself. I will not allow anyone to say let it all go with T. I would be disappointed with the result.

To protect and to serve... my true self.

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

Hugs (((Petra5ed)))

It's real ,for sure.

From within the context of what you wrote below, I think he just meant it's not as difficult as you think. Like Liketysplit said-it's less emotional investment that with relationships outside of therapy. Likely it involves some compartmentalization on his part, which perhaps makes it not as difficult as one would expect. That's how I interpret his words.

FKM wrote something inspiring. I felt 'dead' during my loveless childhood. Therapy brought me alive too. That connection means so much.

I think my therapy has brought me to life too. I wonder if psychodynamic therapy does this in a way that some other therapies like CBT don't? I don't think CBT would have had this impact on me.