I posted this on another thread, about mothers, but wanted to post it here to so I could tell you about the book I found.

....

I've always thought my willingness to see my difficult mother as part of my problem(s) was a stereotypical knee-jerk kind of reaction and a way to avoid the 'real' issues I have. Oh sure, blame the mother! But I'm responsible for me, right?

Yeah but it would never go away. I'm middle aged. She's deceased. It's better but still there.

Growing up she HAD to be the center of attention; everything was about her. Everything. I called her the Queen or the Queen Bee. The only opinion or mood that mattered or even existed, really, was hers. Never knew if or when the anger would explode; what set it off one day wouldn't another and she was often surprised that I'd expect it to. Everything I did reflected on her somehow. I felt like I couldn't and didn't have a thought of my own. I had to consider her first.

Currently in therapy (again) and trying to understand me, really delve and learn. It is understanding I need more than or as much as symptom relief. I am embarrassed that at my age (53) I am talking about my mother! But I think it's the way to go, the first path to understand among many.

Today I was at Borders. The last few weekends I've been trying to make myself go out. I am very uncomfortable being out, even though I go to work and the grocery store. Today I had use of a car so was going to do laundry that has piled up, even though I hand wash and sometimes wash a bathtub full. To reward myself and to have something to do when the clothes are washing and drying--a high anxiety time for me, the waiting.. people around or coming and going--I went to Borders to buy a new Pema Chodron book (she's a Buddhist nun who's writing I like) and I found 3 I wanted and couldn't decide so I was carrying them around and looking at other books. A book caught mye eye and I opened it and read the first sentence of the preface: " The first thing we must understand in life is our mother.....our mother is the first step to understanding ourselves." Wow. Then I opened it randomly and saw in bold print one of the types of mothers this book talks about: "The Queen Mother" !!

Holy Moly I think I have found gold you guys!!

The book not only applies to my mother but to me as a mother. The book is by Christine Ann Lawson and is titled "Understanding the Borderline Mother; helping her children transcend the intense, unpredictable, and volatile relationship".

I can't wait to get into it though I know it will be hard. It is already. Don't much like seeing myself, but one of the reasons for the author writing the book is because BPD is passed on and often from mother to daughter.

I feel validated by this book. I'm so thankful.

Pema Chodron will have to wait for now.

Echoes, I so understand your embarrassment at talking about our mothers stilllllllll. Its like Geez can't I get over her LOL but as you say, to be true to ourselfs we have to talk about them and our lifes.

Thanks for the tip on the book!

I should buy this book ahead of time, just in case I have any kids.

I can picture myself reading this book to my children as a bedtime story, to give them a heads up.

[lauren_helene]

I think I will also get this book. I wouldn't be embarrassed because we learn how to be who we are based on our parents, teachers, friends etc.

So, it isn't about blame really but how we learned during our formative years...I look at my two year old right now and say I need to get this right for him so he isn't sitting across from a T someday feeling empty, scared, upset or desperate.

That's pretty much why I'm in therapy and I'm sure we all have similar reasons. My brother needs therapy more than I do. None of us can get him to see it.

He's a borderline, we're sure of it. He was released early from the Navy and the paperwork said he had a "personality disorder"...it was after a suicide attempt.

So, be glad we are all in therapy!!!!!

Thanks mouse_!

LOL yeah talking about it "stilllll".

Sheesh, I'm getting so old I may run out of time. Might want to re-do my epitaph to include a final thought about it....

This book is really interesting, validates a lot of experiences and feelings for me and helps me find the words I struggle to put together sometimes.

lol Pinksoil

This stuff is passed down from generation to generation, so I am not only seeing my childhood experiences there I am seeing myself as a mother and my son's experiences too.

Really interesting and written for the professional and the layperson both.. lucky for me!

thanks Almeda24fan,

This is really a good book! Easy to understand and I just can't believe how much I see myself there... as a child and unfortunately as a mother also.

And blame was the game when I was growing up. It was the end of the disagreement or argument... blame was placed and then that was that.. nothing was ever resolved, just someone was blamed and then after a while, days or whatever, everyone acted as if nothing had ever happened. SOO frustrating!!