[MissCharlotte]

Here's my dilemma. My T has said that my husband and I need to come in together for some couples work because that is the primary relationship in my life. We have visited T together a couple of times but primarily for support when our son was very sick. When my husband was there with me he flat out said that he did not want to talk about his chldhood and had no interest in therapy. T said I have to drag him in that it is usually the wife that drags the husband into thereapy. However, when I asked he said he would go with me. I have been seeing this T for six months now and although I want to do the couples work, I am not ready to give up my own individual work. I am not sure how this will all play out. T did not say that I would be giving up my individual work but I am worried about how the couples work will affect my therapy.

My pdoc & 2 therapists have told me I need marriage counseling, but I'm the one who is scared to death of it. I'm afraid of any negative things he might say about me. I'm really fragile right now. I ODed in Aug. when he said a critical remark to me. We NEVER talked about the OD--just pretend it never happened, which is why everyone thinks we need marr. counseling.

So I've quit all my therapy. I just couldn't deal with being criticized. Don't know how to proceed, but I guess I'm on my own.--Suzy

[kimmydawn]

Welcome sister

I would explain exactly what you did here to your t. Ask him to refer you to another therapist for the couples therapy. He should have no problems doing that.

Just explain that while you agree with the idea of couples therapy, you still need to have a private session and trust him for that.

Personally, I would NOT want to have the same therapist for individual and couples therapy. I really wouldn't.

Good luck and let us know?

KD

I would imagine that couples therapy would be hard. I think that the notion is that it is less about one partner criticising the other (and vice versa) and more about one partner telling the other what is going on for them with respect to their thoughts and feelings (and vice versa). So... It is meant to help with increasing intimacy by sharing rather than decreasing it by conflict.

But I guess popular culture likes a good drama so usually there is a lot of conflict on TV depictions of couples therapy.

[sidony]

I'd agree with kimmydawn. In fact, I thought most therapists saw people either for couples or for individual but not both. But I guess it varies. I think it'd be hard to do both with the same person because you might feel less free to discuss some things in individual therapy, especially if you wanted to discuss things that weren't going well in your relationship but that you weren't ready to work on in couples therapy. That's just me though. I couldn't stand the thought of my therapist interacting with another significant relationship in my life. I think I'd suddenly feel less free to talk to him.

Sidony

[bipolar_bear]

I would have to question how well the t could remain impartial knowing some of your intiment thoughts and actions. Especially as there will be some conflict there. I too would ask them for a reference.

I think you are very brave to even go to couples t. Good luck and I hope it goes well.

[Lemon]

My first therapy was couples therapy. I grew to really respect the therepist and finally got up the courage to ask to see her individually too. Sometimes I do think it would be better to have a different therapist for my individual and marriage counseling, but the thought of starting over with someone else is too hard for me. It takes me a long time to open up and I'm not ready to do that again.

I would say, that as long as the therapist is a good one, there should be no problem with them being impartial and able to separate the couples therapy with things you tell them individually. That has never been a problem and my therapist asks me every couple session if it is still working for her to do both.

[MissCharlotte]

Well, thanks guys for the input. I'll let you know what develops. Kimmydawn, why wouldn't you want to see the same T for both? Does anyone think there is value for my individual work after T sees me interacting with my husband? I am also afraid of T not being impartial but he is not seeing my husband individually. I don't know, it gets icky. We'll see. I did ask a friend who is a T and she said that it's okay for T to see a family member in the context of family or couples therapy (not individually) but will he be still following my agenda?

Marie, thanks for your input. He is a good therapist and my reluctance to ask for a new T for couples work has to do with the fact that I, too, have difficulty opening up and can't bear the thought of starting with a new T. Besides, my husband feels comfortable with my T as he helped us both through a difficult time when my son was ill.

[kimmydawn]

Sister,

i wouldn't want to for the many questions you're already asking. i would wonder about those...subsequently effecting my own therapy, relationship with therapist, etc.

in therapy, i wanted/want someone just for me...that's going to hear me, help me, be concerned for me.

i would want to keep the two therapies separate and apart. that's just me though. it may work for y'all if that's what you decide to do.

good luck!

Kd

[sunrise]

sister, there are pros and cons to seeing the same therapist for couples and solo therapy. Here is an excellent article that lists the pros and cons:
GOOD OR BAD - MORE THAN ONE FAMILY MEMBER SEEING THE SAME THERAPIST?

For myself, I would not want couples therapy with my own therapist. He is a family therapist and has offered couples therapy to me, but I do not want it at this point. He has assured me he is able to work with all members of a family with impartiality, and I believe him--he is really experienced and skilled. But that is not really the issue for me. He has given me the name of a trusted colleague who does couples therapy, and I think we will try to see this other therapist when I am ready. Since the two are close colleagues, my T can exchange some information with the other T, if need be and if I OK it.

Good luck!

[MissCharlotte]

I saw my T today and had so much to talk about that we only briefly discussed the couples issue at the end of session. He said that we will discuss more next week, but maybe we (me & my husband) would want a different T for couples work! I swear he can read my mind. We'll see.

[lauren_helene]

I had both individual and couples therapy with my current T. There are pros and cons. I liked that my T knew me and some stuff about my husband so it saved us going through history again.

However, when my husband didn't want to go at first and then did go and then wanted to quit. It was quite embarrassing. He just isn't comfortable with the idea of therapy. We talk on our own. I do wish he would've stayed with the couples counseling.

My T says that his not being involved is pretty telling about how he feels about working on the marriage. So, there is the "con" about having the same T. I don't know is he right or just upset my husband didn't want to continue?

We are working through our issues together privately and we talk about my therapy all the time. He likes to hear what he has to say through me. My husband is very very shy and reserved. It isn't personal to me or my T...but you may want separate T's for the couples counseling...