got to write something

kt?

internal kid
little me

katie

she cries. sometimes she cries. she cries a lot. and jasmine makes her stay in this room inside. and she has to be good. she has to be good. then jasmine will let her come out a little and talk to me. and sometimes i'll let her ride the bus. or swing. she likes to swing. and shes got a soft toy a wombat named 'mouse'. i used to think he was silly and i shut him in the cupboard but that upset her. sometimes she chatters. she chatters. she can be a little chatterbox. but mostly she stays in the room inside and cries. and cries. and cries.

most people can get in touch with their inner kid if they like. it is just the aspect of them that is vulnerable and childlike i think. though kids can be mischevious too... or full of bravado... sometimes people kind of split them off so they have different inner kids that hold those different aspects or sometimes those aspects can be held in the same kid or sometimes people just struggle with one of those aspects.

like i do with feelings of vulnerability / neediness / dependency.

so those feelings are attributed to kt and she holds them for me 'cause they are too much for me too much for me. and it is a way of managing inner conflict a way of managing the internal confusion of so very many conflicting and contradictory and intense emotions. and kt holds the vulnerability and w holds the indifference and a holds the rage and i just feel numb and depressed... sad and depressed... and we (i) play out the interactions and make sense of myself this way. even though it is so %#@&#! transparent to me that this is what it is... it is a way of being able to admit to the inadmitable (i don't feel vulnerable i don't i don't but kt does). but this is transparent to my t as well so they are hiding inside of me a lot. and it is making things harder...

i'll get there in the end... but it is hard sometimes.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sometimes people kind of split them off so they have different inner kids that hold those different aspects

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">alexandra, this sounds similar to ego states? T and I worked with one of my ego states last Fall, a little girl of about 4 years old who held some newly recovered abusive memories from my childhood. I guess I just split her off back then because of the intensity of what was happening. She also had some other unique memories that were from that time period but were not related to the abuse. That fascinated me. For example, she was the one who spent hours every day building houses of cards by herself. From my reading, I don't believe ego states are considered as dissociated as multiple personalities (apologies if I am not using the current terminology for that). This particular ego state of mine is more integrated now since I worked in therapy at processing the memories. For a while, though, she was so vivid and separate to me, I would see her lurking around the corner, and shadowing me as I went places. I worked in therapy to get my controlling ego state, the one I call "me," to nurture her, to rescue her when she needed it, and to give her the love she needed. I found ego state therapy really helpful and would like to do more in the future.

Why is Katie upset today Alexandra? Is this communication with your T that upsetting or what is going on? I hope you will nourish Katie today and give her a break.

I have worked with my inner child a bit and it is painful work. It was all one ball of confusion and sadness and hope and disappointment. I think it is powerful work that you are doing. I wish I understood better but have you organized your inner selves or have they organized themselves?

Are you familiar with John Bradshaw and his work with the inner child?

I am glad that you are sharing here.

hey. yeah... controversial... but i like the view of mental disorder where mental disorders are dimensional rather than categorical. there are dimensional vs categorical distinctions to be made all over the place:

- is being mentally ill categorically different (a difference in kind) from not being mentally ill or is it just a difference in degree?
- is having one mental disorder as opposed to another mental disorder a categorical difference (a difference in kind) or a difference in degree?
- is having a symptom of a mental disorder (e.g., delusion) a categorical difference (a difference in kind) or a difference in degree?
and so on...

I think all of these are best captured dimensionally (a difference in degree) rather than categorically (a difference in kind) though i think it fair to say that most disagree with me...

> this sounds similar to ego states?

sure.

> I don't believe ego states are considered as dissociated as multiple personalities

difference in degree, sure. the 'categorical difference' is supposed to be in amnesia, but that too can be a matter of degree... what is the difference between:

- i don't remember
- i can't remember
- i won't remember

?

who knows...

i was dx'd with DID (dissociative identity disorder formerly known as multiple personality disorder). but how much of that was a response to my treatment (or lack thereof) in the public system? who knows... i don't think it matters anyway. i don't think the dx matters... i just want someone to help me work towards what it is that i want out of life...

but yeah, it is hard sometimes.

hey. i guess it is because i (we) haven't heard from him for a while... not so long really... but a couple days... just feeling alone i guess. bringing back stuff about dad going... it is hard.

i think i'm okay... what i really need to do right now is refocus on my work over the next couple weeks. time to distance from the boards (sorry peoples) and throw myself (throw w) into work... handle it that way.

> have you organized your inner selves or have they organized themselves?

i'm not sure what the difference would be... 'discovery' or 'creation'... hard to say...

> Are you familiar with John Bradshaw and his work with the inner child?

no.

When does T come home?

Hang in there Alexandra. Refocusing sounds good and how you take care of you. Go for it.