got to write something

so my t has gone away but has given me email addresses so i can email him. he didn't say anything more about it than that so i have no idea of the boundaries, however. i mean... he said something about 'the first time you email me...' which leads me to believe that it is okay to email him more than once. i don't know whether he envisaged my sending an email every week (so there would be three) or quite what, however.

i started by throwing an internal tantrum which involved 'i don't need you anyway and so i'm not going to email you at all'. then i backed down a little by saying to myself 'i'll reply to him if he emails me first'. anyway, i'm over that now, and i'm thinking about what to say... what would be appropriate for me to send.

normally we would have a session this friday. so i guess i want to send him something before that or around about then.

i'm not sure how long is appropriate. i don't want to overwhelm him / make him regret having said it was okay for me to email him.

i want to try and say some of the stuff i can't say to his face... i don't want to overwhelm him...

dammit.

i wish he gave me limits like: not more than xxx often and not more than xxx number of words.

who wants to make up some limits for me?????

i snarled a lot last time but i don't want to hurt / break him really :-(

OK, it's obviously time for me to set some boundaries here. hahahahah

How about just emailing him on or around Thursday (since that would be a day before your session), and pick just one thing that you really want to say to him. Imagine that he said to you... although I am going to be away, we can still have one five-minute session. What would you say to him? Judging by what you wrote, it is obvious that it is very much alright with him if you email. Maybe talk a little bit about how you were mad last time? It seems to have come up quite a bit since then, from what I have read of yours.

Can you journal as you would speak if you saw him? I assume you go from one topic to another so maybe pick the topic you would talk about first. If you journal too much then some of it may get lost and never addressed. I am sure you will recognize when that is happening.

I think it is a good idea to write about things that you don't talk about when you see him as they need to be broached at some time.

Good luck in writing. I think it helps tremendously.

Please let your T know how much you appreciate him, he obviously cares about you very much.

Are you worried that if you write about several things he will feel obligated to answer them all in writing? Or are you worried that he won't want to read a long e-mail? Put yourself in his shoes and ask those questions, how would he respond? I bet he would say well, just write about how you are feeling. He will let you know if he cannot respond to all issues by e-mail. Why not write to him at the same time you would be in his office. Meditate for a minute or so first and then write about the first thing that comes up. Good luck!

alex, how about writing about the topic that seems most pressing or urgent? Same as you would pick your topic for the face to face session. (At least that's how I pick mine--the most important thing I need to talk about at that moment.) Maybe the writing format will even allow you to choose topics you would normally be too shy to bring up in session. If you are stuck, maybe try completing this sentence to get you started: "If I could only say one thing to my T, I would say......"

Since I tend to be verbose, I would set myself a limit on length, probably 3 paragraphs or so. But that's just me.

Good luck.

I sent him something. It was hard. It was all kinda built up too much. Will be easier to reply to him. I have no idea what he is going to say in response to that. I was fairly upfront... But a bit sideways and poetic at the same time. I don't know. See is a couple days I guess. Balls in his court now at any rate.

Thanks guys. It might have been a bit long. But oh well. Not too long I don't think.

I remember I wrote this thing when I was in hospital once. It was about 10 pages. Me venting my thoughts. I was really upset. I think I told a nurse that I was writing something for my p-doc. But I worried it would be far too long so I screwed it up and binned it. The nurse rescued it. And he ironed the pages and read it all. I had forgotten that.

But I don't want to inundate him, yeah.

ak,

did you consider that your T enjoys you and WANTS to hear from you while he's away?! ,,, and that's why he gave you his email addresses?...

ECHOES

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I told a nurse that I was writing something for my p-doc. But I worried it would be far too long so I screwed it up and binned it. The nurse rescued it. And he ironed the pages and read it all.

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Ahhhh, I found that incredibly sweet and touching. Good pdoc!

Way to go, alex, in writing something and sending it off to T. Has the baby been born yet?

yes. good p-doc :-) i cried. i cried when he pulled out the pages and told me he ironed them and read them twice. can't remember which p-doc that was and how soon before he left...

i don't know about the baby. i don't want to know. its all icky. i don't want to know anything about his personal life. i mean... i hope it is okay and healthy and stuff. but i don't want to know. i don't want to know.

i don't know that he enjoys me. i don't think i'm particularly enjoyable. i think he thought i might be. but i'm sure i'm a great disappointment to him.

i read what i wrote him. cringe. cringe. i can't believe i sent that. cringe.

he hasn't written back. i'm sure he is sick of me already. why hasn't he written back already??? i know i'm being an impatient irrational spoiled little brat but why hasn't he written back already? hate him. he has forgotten about me i bet

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i read what i wrote him. cringe. cringe. i can't believe i sent that. cringe.

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I never reread anything I write. That's why I have a lot of trouble bringing it into T and letting him hear it. It makes me cringe so bad. I brought in 8 pages yesterday. He asked me if I wanted to leave them for him. I said I wasn't ready to do that yet because it contained a lot of harsh words about him.

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he hasn't written back. i'm sure he is sick of me already. why hasn't he written back already??? i know i'm being an impatient irrational spoiled little brat but why hasn't he written back already? hate him. he has forgotten about me i bet

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Have to laugh here, not at you, but at the fact that our situations are so similar... called T at 8 last night.... left a message about wanting to come in on Friday... Hasn't called me back yet. Hating him again. Feel like he's letting me stew in the agony of calling and asking for something. When he calls back, I am not picking up the phone. I would rather jump into a pit of alligators than talk to him right now. I just want to hear the message of whether he can see me on Friday or not.

I hope you hear from your T soon.

he replied last night :-)

i do worry that he reads here sometimes... he has promised over and over that he doesn't and he never will but sometimes it is really very uncanny how he seems to be responding to something i've posted here...

it was strange getting the email. very strange. i guess i didn't really know what to say... and he didn't either. i am going to respond late tonight (cause i'm going away for the weekend).

i'm gonna tell him that i'm not sure what we are doing in sessions sometimes (about how i'd like to try free association and about why i have trouble getting into something)

and i'll tell him that its ok if he doesn't set limits so long as he promises to tell me preferably BEFORE i cross them and i'll promise to try and be respectful. like with how often i email him and how long they are

he said he isn't scared of me. he doesn't feel unsafe with me. that i don't need to reassure him. that he didn't expect he would never feel uncomfortable when he agreed to work with me. that rage is part of the deal too.

maybe...

we'll see...

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he replied last night :-)

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i do worry that he reads here sometimes

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Oh man, I have had that fear too. My T is so busy that I tell myself no way would he have time to read here. Hope that's true.

That's great all the stuff your T said about not being scared, not feeling unsafe, being able to handle your rage, etc. He sounds very understanding and like he is a very good T.

I hope your separation passes quickly.

he replied! that would have felt great to me because I would have been very anxious after hitting 'send'! lol

wow, how did you feel when he said he is comfortable with you and accepts all of you including the rage?

he sounds like a wonderful T and is sure sounds to me like he enjoys working with you!

hope your weekend away is great, ak. we'll miss you!

ECHOES

thanks guys. yeah, i was scared after sending it. it was a nice response too. but now, of course, i'm scared about the other one i sent lol. on the upside i guess i am taking risks. he does seem to respond well, so i think i should be doing that. it is a lot easier to do that by email rather than in person so i guess in a way i can think of the absence of sessions as an opportunity to talk more by email. make the most of the time he does have available lol. i guess i am opening up, yeah. now i'm kinda waiting for him to go 'oh, you want that? but i don't do that... if you want that then you are too well for me to see you really.' we will see, i guess.

(((((((((((( alexandra k )))))))))))))))

You have a wonderful T there.

Doesn't sound likely that he would push you away.

thanks. we will see how this goes, yeah. i guess there were two main themes in the first email. he focused in on one of them and fairly much ignored the other. not sure whether he made a conscious decision to do that or whether he kind of missed it...

with this one... i am worried... about two things.

firstly... i'm not particularly validating. if he did miss the other issue then he probably doesn't realise that i'm really very attached to him. i have significant difficulty expressing liking and appreciation. i know some people have the opposite issue... but for me... i need to learn to take better care of my therapists and i need to take care of him. (though i guess the theme he picked up on in the first email was that i don't need to reassure him and that it is okay if he feels uncomfortable and that it is okay if i get mad with him). secondly... and this is related, i guess... i tend to deskill people :-( it is hard for me to share what i think sometimes because it involves bouncing off someone else. sometimes i get a little speech on something (that is meant to be reassuring) and i'm usually thinking something like 'well i agree with you on the first point but here are a couple of exceptions to that general rule, and the second is controversial and I think I go with x's line on that rather than y's'.. and of course i don't say that. i just smile sweetly and try and look reassurred. but really... need to find the courage to say what is on my mind more, huh. i just worry about deskilling people... so they say 'don't know how to help you please just bug off' or whatever...

but to be fair... am i more scared than i was after the first email? probably not. sigh.

I bet your T just needed to focus in on one topic for his email so that he could get that thought across. Email is so hard because it is easily misunderstood since you don't have the back and forth of a conversation or body language. Hang in there, I hope he responds to you soon.

Just curious what do you mean by "deskilled"?

yeah, you are probably right about his choosing to focus in on one topic.

deskilled... hum... well i appreciate that part of this is due to my issues but part of it is due to their issues too.

incompetent. unable to help. inadequate.

that is the general gist...

e.g., i've seen some therapists who had a toolkit of strategies:

anxiety:

- cognitive restructuring 'the world is a safe and friendly place'
- progressive muscle relaxation training

etc

once you have gone through the work book and still have a problem therapists have terminated me 'i don't know what else to do to help you'.

or...

it is partly about 'them expert - me ignorant'. often times people think that their expertise consists in their knowledge of my disorder. thats all well and good but i've read up too. i have an opinion too. i might well disagree with theirs and some people find that deskilling. which is to say threatening to their ego.

the fact that i'll say 'well thats one theory but i think this is a better one and here are 5 reasons why'.

up to them how they respond of course...

but tends to throw people...

so usually i just shut the hell up and let them talk... but... therapy is supposed to be about me - right? so instead of going 'yeah sure' when i get a little speech on something... why can't i participate and turn it into a conversation?

don't know what i'm saying. i suspect it is my issue again. what doesn't help particularly is that this has been used as an excuse to terminate me before 'i don't know how to help you' 'i can't give you anything you don't already know' 'you don't need therapy' 'if you want that then that really is elective and you better get a high paying job'.

i dunno. we will see...

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alexandra_k said:
if he did miss the other issue then he probably doesn't realise that i'm really very attached to him.

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alexandra, do you really think that is possible, that he doesn't know you are attached? You asked for additional sessions and got them. You asked for email contact while he is away and you got it. You've been apprehensive about his taking time off. These are things that people who are attached do. He knows all this. He knows you are attached! He's a therapist and has seen attachment to him happen many times. He knows and is OK with it. It's good! It's therapy!

As for why he didn't respond to it in the email, could be lots of stuff. I have to email for work lots and find that people read just one part of the email and then fire off a reply. They often don't respond to everything. Can be frustrating, but it's just the nature of email.

> do you really think that is possible, that he doesn't know you are attached?

yep

> You asked for additional sessions and got them. You asked for email contact while he is away and you got it. You've been apprehensive about his taking time off. These are things that people who are attached do.

hum... i forgot about that...
blush.

> He knows you are attached! He's a therapist and has seen attachment to him happen many times.

eep!!!

> He knows and is OK with it. It's good! It's therapy!

hmm... maybe he didn't respond to it directly 'cause i didn't talk about it directly... maybe he is trying not to freak me out...

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alexandra_k said:
hmm... maybe he didn't respond to it directly 'cause i didn't talk about it directly... maybe he is trying not to freak me out...

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Could be. Maybe he is waiting for you to bring it up directly, so that he knows you are ready to talk about it. My T and I have been doing this little dance lately in therapy. And I've been so clueless it took me forever to know what was going on. He would so strongly like to help me move forward with solving my marital problems. He wants me to bring in my husband as he can help me in different ways if my husband is present than he can if I am in session alone. But he won't ask me to bring my husband in or even suggest it, as he knows this desire has to come from me. I have told him on occasion before that I did not want to bring my husband in and was not able to share freely with him (T) as long as I thought that was a possibility. I've been fairly rejecting, I see now. So he has done this thing where he keeps offering me examples of how he has helped couples in therapy, in instances where no one else had success, of all his training and successes, and techniques he uses and the positive end results, etc. I guess finally all this just sunk into my brain that what he is saying is "sunny, please, let me help you. This is what I do, and I am so good at it." This was a watershed realization for me that came between sessions, and the very next session I suggested that maybe my husband should come in with me to see him. And this opened up so much for us. So many new avenues to consider. I really now feel we are a team trying to solve this problem in the way that is best for me. But yet, he couldn't ask me himself to bring my husband in. And this is maybe similar to your situation, alex. You need to be the one to bring up the attachment topic with your T. He can't know when you're ready. All he can do is try to build trust and a safe environment for you to pose topics that are difficult and threatening and scary.

That's very longwinded! --sorry

I'm glad you got a reply!! My T said two sessions ago that he thought about calling me to discuss something I faxed him but that he thinks the 'pain I am feeling between sessions needs to be felt'...and something about not wanting me to get used to him responding or whatever.

I felt like saying yeah easy for you to say because you are not the one feeling it...I probably should've said that but I was too upset to say anything. I didn't ask him for a reply in my letter and I had already protected myself by saying we could talk about it next session. I just knew he wouldn't call me anyway.

As for emails, he has never once responded to an email that I sent. Why then I'd like to know, does he have an email address on his business card??!!

i should have taken the pills. i should have taken the pills. don't feel so good. kt's not happy. can't email again. enough already.

:-(