Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Darling T -

** ******** *** **** *** *** **** ******, * **** *** ******* ******* ****** **** ** ****.

I appreciate you.

not censored just needed to say something and didn't want to post the details around

Thank you, T, for asking me to reschedule instead of your other client. That actually makes me feel good, you know, like you knew it wouldn't bother me or something. I'm so ready to wind up our work together and bid you a fond farewell. I'll miss talking with you, of course, but in a "looking back on the work that we did together and all that you taught me, with a contented sigh and a smile" kind of a way. Thank you.

i'm so happy i'm seeing you regularly again. i have to wait till august for EMDR, so looks like your stuck with me till then! muahahahaha

Once again t, it's as if you read my mind. After I emailed you my dream you asked if I wanted a normal 50 mins instead of my usual 25. I'd thought about asking but since I don't really need it, I didn't ask, I'd be fine working with it on my own of course, but I sent it to you because I want your input while I can still ask for it. Want - not need. I'm confident in my ability to work with my own dreams, and in a lot of other stuff too. Looking forward to talking tomorrow evening, especially to sharing my most recent realization with you.

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I'm not so sure what I should think about the EMDR session of today. It is wrong that I didn't get emotional? Because last week when we talked about some situation, I got really emotional. But today, with the first EMDR session, I felt calm. Or is that because of the EMDR? I'm not sure. I've been feeling bad for weeks and then today and yesterday I felt kinda ok. Are the medication finally working? I'm just really confused.
And also, I thought you were really sweet today. I always like you and think you're nice, but today, I just thought, you are so sweet, so kind.

Dear T, I know I said this to you already, but thanks again for today's session. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me individually. Thanks for keeping me for an extra 25 minutes or so (sorry, patient after me!) Thanks for being so kind and understanding and caring and just generally awesome. And for being able to hug me from across the room using just your voice and your demeanor without needing to physically touch me (not that I would have minded!)

I like that part I bolded a lot. My t can do that too, and she does it over the phone even!

Artemis-Within: Yeah, I mentioned something to him about it felt like he was "hugging me with his voice" and how silly that probably sounded, and he said that was something he tried to do. And is apparently successful at! That's awesome that your T can do it, too, including over the phone! (I've only talked to my T on the phone a couple times, and it was about appt. scheduling, so no real chance for voice hugs there!).

T. -
What a depressing session it was this afternoon. I know this crap has to come out, but today I am unable to handle it. I can't cope. I hope you follow through on a check-in tonight because I need it bad.

Dear last T...

I'm finished with T... I finally sent you a letter for real but didn't give reasons as I don't want written notes left in a file. I deleted all the old Ts contact info, voicemails and texts from my phone. Deleted all emails....to and from Ts and about it with one friend. In a few weeks I will be home alone and I plan to shred all my old journals....

My last reminder of this wasted journey to nowhere is this forum. I asked for PC to close my acct. it's only a matter of days.

I radically accept that what I hoped to gain from therapy isn't possible... I'm moving on.

Dear T,
Thank you for being consistently awesome. I have no idea how you do it. I hope you know how much you make a difference in the world... I'm sure it's not just me but other clients too. You always respond with compassion, care and yes, love I think. Someday I will be able to fully accept your care and it will be amazing. I will cry and be messy and it will be ok.

Dear exthera,

It was really good to talk to you tonight, and catch you up with the happenings of the last week. It was easy for me to let you know I was back on again. I appreciate your chuckle. I will take care of myself and keep my equanimity, and know what to do, besides your always there for me.

I'm still waiting for your email tonight regarding my research project. I assume you are writing client notes first, then you'll get to looking up the info I need. I'm okay with that. Therapy with you taught me patience, and it's not about me, even if I can't go to bed until I get your info and do the write up. I'm tired. Hurry! will ya?

Dear exthera,

Thanks for the email. I will do the project now. I bet you interupte your stuff to do my stuff. And, I thank you for that, FM.

T
When you ask what to talk about, and then give me a cool sand box, it distracts me. But besides that I forgot my meds yesterday when I saw you and felt good.... is this a sign that when life is good I could get of meds completely? But what about when things get crappie? Am I ready for that? That I don't know.

T,

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Got a lot to talk about. Im just so happy to be back in a routine with you.

Dear t,

Don't you have an ethical framework to adhere to?! Surely you should have discussed closure with me?

I'm coping with another family crisis.. I don't think we'll speak again. I'm aggravated at your lack of professionalism in signposting or terminating, surely you have a duty of care?!

Please don't do that. I sorta feel it and I'm so scared. Please.

What's going on?

Dear Psych

I wasn't totally honest with you today. You thought it was your questions/the subject that was making me nervous. But actually it is you who's making me nervous. But that's not your fault. You are so kind. It's me. I get nervous aroung young men. And I like you. And that's making me even more nervous. And it's making me silent and act like a shy kid and I felt so stupid. I'm afraid to tell you this. But I really like you and I like being in your presence and listening to you.
Also, I think it really sucks that I have to wait 6 weeks to see you again. But your not my regular T, I only see you for my medication.

I miss you....

Dear Individual T, Thanks for calling me in response to my e-mail about yesterday with MC. It helped to hear your voice and talk for a few minutes. Though I'm sad that you had to change my appt. from Tues. to Wed. because of a doctor's appt., I'm looking forward to seeing you next week and talking more.

I hope you'll let me go the direction I want to today which I know sounds silly to ask because you always let me go where I need to. I'm just overly worried about everything lately. I know you mentioned one thing but I really feel like I need to do another.

~EM

Dear t,
I'm worried. I hope you are ok. Please be back soon?

Dear T

Our sessions are the highlight of my week. I count the days till our next session. Isn't that pathetic?
I'm struggling with so many feelings. I wonder if I can get better. If it is worth it. If I'm not wasting your time.
Also, I have feelings for my psychiatrist and I'm struggling with those feelings.

Dear T,

I wish we were sisters.