Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

T,

2 wks really?

I enjoyed the time with you today but I walked away feeling alone and empty. I sat out in the breezeway for ½ an hour crying and writing about how I was feeling. I also was very angry with your effing secretary. The time before last I asked her if I should make some more appointments and she said that I am far enough out and I should be okay. Today I asked again and found out that there is only one opening in April. So I will have to go a month away from you... I mean between appointments. Then she tells me, "You don't have one next week." She looked up the date and was wrong but f***! What the hell was she trying to do to me? She commented, "You have a new tattoo. What does it say?" I said, "it's
written in Tibetan script," but I refused to tell her because... Well because I don't like her and you don't know because you didn't ask. I'm not going to tell her!

There are two things that I am really afraid to talk to you about. The first is that I am not doing well with finances. Of course the reason I don't want to talk about it is because you keep saying, "You can't afford to see me twice a month." I know it's true but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even want to think about it so I just keep pushing forward and waiting for the collapse.

The other thing I guess I will tell you but it will be hard. I think I'm afraid of being happy. It is uncomfortable & I will lose you. If I get well you won't see me anymore. I suppose the fact that I'm having separation anxiety and I am crying right now tells me that I need not worry about the last issue because clearly I am not well.

I find it painful to deal with these emotions towards you. I haven't done the bad thing in two weeks but it's calling my name right now. I can't stand these feelings. It makes me want to... Well, you know. Here's the thing that I hate the most and that is the fact that me seeing you more is what I want but I think it worsens these feelings for you. The obvious choice then is to save money (I feel like I can't breathe) and see you monthly instead. Then I ask myself... How will I ever deal with these emotions if I just avoid them? I mean, pushing away from you doesn't solve the problem. If I don't ever learn to fix this problem it will happen for the rest of my life.

i admire your honesty about yourself and what you're dealing with

Dear MC, I miss you. I'm feeling very vulnerable right now after our individual session yesterday. Please write back to my e-mail, even just to say you read it, before our appointment (with my husband) Monday. I didn't say too much in there, just an update really. It sounds silly, but just knowing you thought of me, even for a minute to hit reply, would help. Thanks, LT.

How could you possibly think it was ok to repeat my life story (with added lies for embellishment) to half the people in my state? I mistakenly thought I was speaking to only you. I chose to share my innermost thoughts with you believing I could trust you. Had I known you would betray me, disrespect me, take all my ideas and use them to your advantage, then leave me an emotional wreck without ANY EXPLANATION OR APOLOGY, I would never have made an appointment. In which case, you would never have made all the added connections you did - using me again. All you did was use me. I deserve a complete explanation and won't settle for less.

If someone used your loved one the way you used me it would be a different story then wouldn't it?

Mission accomplished, FM. I had another fab day, despite the little things that had moved South. They are a shifting, and I'm dancing on the baby grand, well not dancing just climbed up to look down like I always wanted to do during my ornery child moments. Things are moving forward, and I will see you for our lunch date on Tuesday. I need a long, long, very long, long hug, please. Have a good weekend. Thanks for never pulling the rug from under me. I trust you implicitly, and no you never will.
therapyworks

You have a choice about what we work on tomorrow. An ongoing trigger bringing intense anxiety, old fears and crying bouts; a different toxic mix of shame and emptiness; a continuation of the discovery about how much I dissociate in a day; or my usual incompetence anxiety including specific examples of how my actual incompetence strengthened it this week. Don't you love the selection? As John Muir said, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." So any of them will do.

I don't feel anything anymore. I am not angry or sad, I am empty. We haven't met for a while and I don't miss you. You're just a stranger and oddly, I am okay with it.

Dear T,
Today we talked about everything thats going well in my life. I did not talk about my trust issues, nor did I mention the time spenttwo days ago looking for blades, nor how I'm unsure of my ability to survive till these good things happen. I did not tell you of the four hours I spent on Monday writing my will. I'm sorry, because when you say "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about" my response is "No" when the answer is Yes.

Yay i'm seeing you today!

Dear T: Y'know all those times in the past when you told me to "trust the process" and stuff like that? Well I just wanted to say I am so glad that I listened to you and took the leap of faith and let myself trust it. Several times there was of course a period of doubting it and fighting it and railing against it but... you always found a way to help me through those. Thank you and again I will say... this therapy stuff WORKS. I told you yesterday evening that I am feeling so healed these days. How truly blessed I am.

2 hours to go..

Me too. 105 minutes to go. Yay. . .

Yay! We shall be having therapy simultaneously! (I'm in the UK too)

dear t,
I really, really, really hope you are ok. my head is going wild with all the scenerios. I keep trying to remind myself I don't know or want to know the truth if it's more than a bunch of small things coming in quick succession. I keep trying to stop the stories I make up about why you might be out, and catostrophically guessing that you will be out next week too, and the week after that, and never end up coming back... I'm not sure how to reality check on it all. I called the office and they said you were out all this week feeling sick, but you are expected back next week... I'm trying to take that at face value. I have to accept that at face value. I have no reason to believe otherwise except for my paranoia around it.
I hope you are back next week. And I hope that even thoguh we don't technically have anything scheduled for the day you return, that the spot is still "mine" and you call to confirm (or maybe I will call to ask if it's actually mine and to check if you are back in). The way the last few sessions went have me questioning if you still want me on your case-load. I kinda need to know if you don't, so please feel better and come back so we can address that... I know, my timing sucks. It's always after I disclose worrying about becoming too much that something unrelated happens to pull a t away. ugh.
Please be ok. Please come back soon. Please don't hate me... Please be ok.

Dear T

I'm so annoyed I can barely contain it. I KNOW you are listening and yet I feel unheard. You want to talk about topic A and I want to discuss topic B. Then you ask why i seem so much better this week? Because you are asking about topic A and all I can do is shut down and answer the questions without feeling or attaching because topic B is stopping me.

Dear T (MC), I almost left you a weepy voicemail last night. I was in a bad place for a few hours, just feeling scared and vulnerable. But I got through it. I'm not sure whether to tell you about it Monday...maybe if we're able to schedule another private session soon. Not sure I want my H to realize how vulnerable therapy can make me feel...

dear t,

it was a really good session today... unfortunately the shyt hit the fan as soon as i got home and i had a massive argument with my mother about the things we talked about... you did really help me today and you opened my eyes to a few things. i'm not feeling as god dammed awful as i felt when i saw you, but i'm still a bit shaky. i don't know why; it seems so easy for me to flick back and forth, black and white, right and wrong...

Dear t,

You emailed me.. out of the blue.

I feel the worst person for being annoyed at you. I still don't know where we stand but thank you for asking briefly after me. It came at a time I was feeling lonely and worried.

Dear T (MC), Thanks for calling me tonight when your e-mail response to me bounced back (for some reason). Yeah, it was a kinda awkward conversation, since you were basically just like, "Yep, I got your e-mail" (and not saying much more than that) and I was trying to not be like, "Yay, you actually responded to me!" and just saying thanks for calling. But yeah, thanks for calling Even if you didn't say much, it means that you haven't run away. Which is what I was afraid of because anxiety and transference and childhood stuff. So, um, see you Monday.

Dear FM,
...

Dear FM,

Don't forget you owe me some of your homemade bread. My friend made me homemade apple butter — she brought a jar for you, too — but none of your delicious bread.

I got absolutely nothing done today, and I am not beating myself up for it thanks to your good works or should I say our good works? And...the kid is on his way home for spring break. He want mom, not the bikini ladened beaches of Miami. Score one for moms!

Dear T,

I'm still confused by all my feelings, but with less distress. I adore you, yet you annoy me. I love your mind and hate your abstractions. You're resolutely homely yet effortlessly attractive. You are gentle and kind, then impatient and arrogant. You remind me of me. I wish I knew more about you. How similar are we? Very much or not at all? Are you tired of how I dichotomize everything?? Me too!

LL

P.S. Really I want to run away. Then again I want you to run away with me. I'd take you places you'd love. I'd be good to you.

Dear T

I have been drinking but I am not drunk. It makes me want to email you and tell you how angry I am. I won't of course, but seriously.

Dearest T,

You helped me tremendously today. Thank you.

-EM

PS: I can't believe you used an emoticon...