Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

I'm wicked cranky, and totally unsure of what to feel about tomorrow. I want to talk to you, but I don't, but I do, but I don't... but really I do. I'm just not sure what to talk about.

I hope you'll be okay in this new storm. My trip has been canceled. Wanted to call you and cry about it but that's childish. Everything is going to be fine.

I have been waiting to see you for three weeks. I know the first week I didn't see you was my fault. I was too depressed to get out of bed or take a shower. I hope I get to see you soon. The first year anniversary of my mom's death is coming up next week so please no more cancellations.

Dear T -
I cannot believe the amazing session we had today. Who knew talking about feelings and emotions could feel so good?? Why have I been locking them up all of these months and keeping you at bay? I love you. And because of all the personal info you have shared with me (I know more about you than I do about some of my good friends, lol), it's not just therapy-love.
BTW-I know you love me too.

I hope you are working on finding a way to hash this out with me. I really don't want to take the next step. Of course I never wanted to take things this far either but you forced my hand. The next juncture is approaching and I was hoping to resolve this so as not to go there. Please come to your senses and straighten this out. You owe me that much at the very least. I need to hear the truth. Lord knows I've imagined just about every scenario by now so I am prepared for the worst. I have to hear it from you. Let's do this now or it will drag on much longer.

Dear T
I was doing so good letting go of you. I hadn't cried about missing you in 4 days. Thought I was getting over the pain and hurt of losing you. I'm not. I'm sitting here crying again and my heart is breaking. I know there is no chance to ever see you or hear your voice again. Dammit!!!

Dear T: So I have 5 dreams written down from the past 2 weeks since we talked last. The last one was the night of 2/18, nothing since. I have not emailed them to you. I don't know that I want your help with them, oddly enough. When have I ever not wanted to share dreams with you?! What a weird feeling. I don't know what I want to talk about tomorrow. Well, besides sharing with you what I found in my center. I suppose I will just start with that and then let things flow from there, I am sure that they will. I wish you could read my mind. I wish that YOU would bring up the topic of termination. I am going to try my hardest to send you a message through my dreams tonight. Yeah I know, insane idea, right? But wouldn't it be f'ing awesome if I actually COULD! Oh and. You were right 2 weeks ago when you said that I am addicted to this work. I am, damn it all. Yet another reason why it's time to stop. I've been busy living and loving my life this past week, not doing therapy work at all, and it's felt so good, so freeing, so.... wonderful actually, and the only reason I'm thinking about it now is because I know I have a session tomorrow after work. Oh t can't you just read my mind just this ONCE please?!?!?!?!!!

I won't be waiting for you much longer. It's going to be a rough ride. Of course it will be harder on me than for you but what do you care right? You only created the problems. You never stay to work things out do you?

Dear T: I know you're going through a rough time right now. I don't want to pry into exactly what's going on, but I have a sense from what others have said. I wish I could give you a hug.

T,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for bothering you.

I'm sorry for asking for help and then sh***ing all over it.

-me

Dear T,
This is really intense and I don't know if i can handle it. I need your help, possibly too much.
I miss you (as always)...

Dear T,

I am sad you are going away for three days...
I know you are going to present a lecture. I hope you have some fun and get some rest, too.

Dear T,
The more open I am to you the more you start to head towards termination. I told you everything and I haven't gotten a response. My mind has been all over the place with all the problems I have and now I have to worry about this. I feel like im going to have a nervous breakdown. Are we going to terminate or not? Either way I am prepared for it when I go see you next time.

Dear T
Can we not fight this one time?
And can you please answer my questions?

Dear T,

I'm so glad we talked about nothing I wanted to talk about! You tried, you really did. "Is there anything you want to talk about today?" "Durr duurr, I don't know." "What are you thinking about?" cause you always know there's something "uhh nothing". While inside I'm screaming SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING YOU MORON! HOW ABOUT THAT I'M ATTACHED TO YOU AND I HATE TO ADMIT IT CAUSE YOU'LL BE LEAVING SOON FOR A FEW MONTHS CAUSE YOU KNOW. I THINK I LOVE YOU MAYBE I REALLY DON'T KNOW BUT I CARE A LOT ABOUT YOU AND IT HURTS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN YOU'RE GONE?

Almost a week since I said goodbye to you. I will never forget what that hug felt like. I hope the pain gets easier to live with; I know it will never go away.

T
Today's session was frustrating! I left feeling anxious and confused. ..... that's an hour I can't get back and it was hard to tell you to move on when triggers have increased. Now I want to give in. How was this helpful?!! I need to just get on something for attention. .... and that's what I wanted to address today...... I feel unheard but I didn't speak up for you to listen. ... that's just one problem that I have....!

Dear T,
Today sucked. I had such high hopes for being able to address things, but I couldn't get out of my own way. Then what you said about my inability to engage in session made me feel guilty. I want to run from therapy. I feel like I've failed.

I tried to communicate how scared I am of talking about some of this stuff, but because I didn't say "this is how it freightens me and this is why" I think you missed the reference...

We are SO not on the same page right now. Actually, I feel like we are not even on the same planet right now. I hope leaving you the message today will help. I hope that you can help me say what I need to say and move past this rut... I am stuck. I do need help getting out of it, but I don't need a day program right now. I need to figure out how to trust you and to feel safer with this talking thing...
(please don't hate me)
t.w.o.

dear T

i can tell if im paranoid or just anxious. teach me the difference.

me

I love the sassy, no-nonsense side of you that comes out once in a blue moon. I think it's absolutely hilarious when you curse in front of me during those once in a blue moon times. I probably seem surprised--because I am--but I love it. It reminds me you're human.

I'm done with your company if they take you from me. You say you're putting your license on the line with me was really ****ed up to say.

I don't know why I was so stupid to believe you for so long. I don't know why anyone would believe you when they know you have lied so much.

I think many of us want to believe most people are honest and have good intentions. It's really hard to find out the opposite is true. Really hard.

Hey T: I realized last night that you'd never mentioned another client before. And you did yesterday, you said he was a NEW client. I realize that maybe you said that because it was like subtly telling me that you're not moving back here after all. Because I remember, when you first were talking about moving this spring, you'd said you weren't taking on any new clients there because you were going to be moving. And you know what? I'm ok with that, I really am. I truly have found my center and being there, I have also found that I feel my own worth, my "I am enough-ness", I meant it when I told you I also found there that unconditional love for, and acceptance of, my whole self, shadow parts and all, at least the ones I know about; and that includes a sort of anticipatory acceptance of those I have yet to discover. I loved how you said "You KNOW how to do the work." Because I do. And I have no intention of stopping my inner work, ever. It's become a part of who I am. That's why I told you I don't think I would ever go back to "sleep". I was not trying to sound all cocky about it either, I just meant, when I look back at how asleep I was for such a long time, I can't even imagine going back "there", and will fight tooth and nail if I have to, to stay Awake. I KNOW now that I am worth it. Sometimes I think it's a little crazy how "fast" this seemed to happen but it really wasn't - it's been cooking in my internal ovens for over 3 years. The timer finally rang, that's all. Ahaha! I kinda like that analogy. I feel really really good about our agreeing to start winding down/spacing out sessions. It feels wonderful in fact. I think it surprises me a little, how it feels. I'll say it again. This stuff really WORKS!!!

You have NO RIGHT to interfere in my life outside of your office.
You have NO RIGHT to try to MAKE ME befriend someone who never liked me to begin with!
You had NO RIGHT to try to MANIPULATE ME into liking anybody (can't be done you'll lose).
You have NO RIGHT to insinuate YOUR DESIRES onto me.
You had NO RIGHT to ruin MY REPUTATION!! (BUT YOU DID!)
You had NO RIGHT to play GOD because YOU ARE NOT GOD!! (You have the GOD complex and you can find help for that)
You STILL do not know your place and will sadly do it again to some other unfortunate soul (or have you already found a substitute for me?)

You need to seek treatment for YOUR ISSUES because they have caused you to HURT ME VERY BADLY. It's not over for me and not over for you.