How would you interpret this?

I was telling my therapist about Dr. Neutral and Spock last session. I told him how his neutrality makes me feel. He said something about using the term neutrality (as in therapeutic neutrality), and I told him I used that term/concept so that he could understand what I'm talking about.

He got this big grin on his face. And then I say "what" in a whiney voice and he just smiles at me, looking like he's going to start laughing. Not in a mocking way, but he's done this before and actually started laughing last time he did this. These are times when I am being serious.

Why would one do this? I know that no one can speak for him, but since he never answers me when I say, "what", I just wonder what your opinions are. Am I obtuse for not understanding his reaction? I don't get it.

I think it's cute. He's adorable when he does this... just drives me crazy that he won't tell me what he's thinking.

Have you actually said 'what are you thinking'.

last time i might have asked "why are you laughing".
Dont remeber in this instance

Ask him. And ask him again until you get an answer. It's important to you, and he needs to recognise that.

Hmm..He drives you crazy when he does that, but, at the same time you find it adorable..

To me this kind of playfulness has no place in therapy and constitutes unprofessional behavior. I wouldn't spend a tiny bit of my time and energy trying to understand why he does what he does. Instead, I would try to understand how I feel about it and if I find this behavior acceptable, which I wouldn't.

This kind of behavior on a part of a therapist creates unconscious interpersonal power-play dynamic between a therapist and a client that interferes with the work, because it makes a client preoccupied with a therapist instead of focusing on her own personal material she needs to work on. This is one of the things that contribute into making transference unnecessarily intense and destructive rather than helpful.

Frankly, it sounds to me like he is enjoying his power over you when he does that, which I find disgusting, not adorable at all. And since you find it adorable, he may pick up on that, which encourages him to keep doing it.

Actually, playfulness does have a place in therapy.
Have you read winnicott?

This kind of playfulness ididitmyway refers to could also be considered "coy", which is flirtatious and does not belong in the therapy room. Ts read bout Winnecot in grad school and this is not the playfulness he refers to.

I've had a somewhat similar experience where I'm saying something that I knew sounds goofy and I can see my pdoc try to hold back a smile/laugh. Depending on what it is I'll say "it's ok you can laugh I know this sounds weird" or "what?". If I ask "what?" he always answers me along with some kind of apology, even if it's casual. I think this is what most people would do even outside the therapy room unless they're being deliberately coy or they're messing with you on some kind of power trip.

I think there's a difference between playfulness that brings two people closer together equitably, and playfulness that promotes inequality and so pushes them apart. This sounds more like the latter to me.

I know how much you are questioning your T right now and I badly want to give a neutral response but.... one of the things I am getting out of my therapy is the experience of being 'present' with someone and speaking my thoughts, rather than just keeping them to myself, and being in some way dissociated. My T herself is very present and seems to pretty much speak her thoughts (which I find hard as her and my thoughts seem so disparate).(I'm sure she holds some things back). I feel like your T is not being 'present' or genuine with you I would expect him to say why he is smiling/laughing. Is it an expression of his affection and does he not want to speak that out loud? I consider my T's rare smiles to be golden and can identify with you liking it when he smiles.

It's hard for me to see it the way some of you have pointed out.

What are you thinking the specific inequality part of this is? Is it when he doesn't answer when I say "what". To be fair, I do say it in a childlike voice, though more whiney than my normal child voice.

Seems pretty innocent to me. My immediate thought is he was smiling because he was amused by your venture into psychotherapy terminology, telling him that is how to get him to understand your thinking. I don't see anything more sinister than that (and I'm using "sinister" very lightly).

This is how I want to see it. Maybe he just doesn't want to share his thoughts with me.
Yes, me too, the smiles make me feel warm inside.

Seemed harmless to me too!

Well I think the childlike "whiny" voice as you describe it is playful and no big deal. You might be flirting a little but that seems harmless enough. I don't think there's anything sinister or inherently bad about his smile. What doesn't sit well is that he doesn't respond when you ask him a pretty direct question. That's the part struck me as a mind game (a minor one, mind you) or being coy in a way that doesn't belong in therapy. If he doesn't want to tell you he doesn't have to, but he should give you some kind of response that makes you feel heard.

Yeah but didnt she "start it" by saying, "im using words you can understand". That sounds a little hostile to me, so maybe he is smiling instead of saying, "isnt that a little hostile? What makes you think i cant understand you?" Her retreat into a childlike whine for "what?" shows an abdication of responsibility - this is a tactic i often employ. Mian, sorry for the 3rd person. Im abdicating responsibility! Trying not to is my task for the week. Fail!

My next question was going to be "Mian, does your child-like state precede his smiling, or is it a reaction to it?" I didn't hear the "words you'll understand" as hostile, but direct. But it depends on the tone of voice and facial expression, too. The follow-up tone of "what?" doesn't really matter for me. But I would see a child/whiny tone as all the more reason that the T would answer directly. I understand the importance of reflection and mirroring, but I'm pretty sure that if I were expressing a regressed state, my T would counter it with an adult state--not mirror it. But a lot depends on your state of mind before, during, and after the moment.

Thanks for all the perspective s.

FKM, yes I was in child mode the whole time. I felt the way I framed neutrality was related to role reversal, which come s up from time to time when I'm really regressed.

Hey, thats another issue. I am really regressed in sessions more often than not. Wonder why that is

That was my world stance. My parents couldnt take care of me. My bosses were eff-ups. Omg i had a female boss who wore a purple velour long evening gown to work!!! In the summer!!! My previous t told me i was just jealous that she was cute. Wtf?? If a man wore a tuxedo to work, it would not be considered okay.

Anyway, i took the same stance - transference - in t. He cant take care of me. He cant help me. He wont understand. I will have to do this all myself. Except that i cant.

I have read Winnicott. What he talks about has nothing to do with what OP described. Winnicott talks about evoking the long time forgotten ability to play in the patient, and by "play" he means literally the process of playing imaginative games that allow to express child's creativity. This has nothing to do with the flirtatious playfulness between T and client, the one the OP's T seems to exhibit. I never read anything about this particular behavior in Winnicott's writings and I highly doubt he would endorse it.

Also, I would suggest that, as a therapist, he should be well aware of the fact that non-verbal language is one of the ways of communication, and, he should know what exactly he is communicating to OP, when he doesn't respond to her question verbally but does respond non-verbally without any explanation of what he just communicated to her. He should know damn well that when he is giving her messages he is not willing to explain that would leave her wondering about what the heck is going on. How is this professional and how is this therapeutic? This kind of behavior is fine in a bar when you are hitting on someone, it doesn't belong in a therapy room.

I can see both sides of the argument here but I guess the meaning lies with how it feels in that moment. The initial interpretation seems to be lighthearted. I would go with that gut reaction but feel free to question what it means next time you see him. MIAN, It's okay to ask for clarification and maybe think about that if it bothers you.

Personally, I'm reminded of how my T will respond when I am dealing with something that has a more 'obvious' interpretation, i.e., something we've gone over and over about yet I'm still not seeing. That happens. It's why we're in therapy. Recognizing the patterns, influences and barriers to progress, etc. takes some time.

In session I will often decompress my stress with humor and childish responses. I also laugh at the 'obvious' revelations— because, well, they never are really obvious are they? Not until we voice them out loud, and then they're often difficult and embarrassing.

An example: I was talking about a particular negative self-defeating obsession I was having. It was quite heavy for me but when I voiced it outloud, My T responded by laughing out loud! Now, she immediately apologized —*and said, "You know where this is coming from don't you?" It was only then that it dawned on me. I smiled and said, Oh well yes, it's...duh."

To describe this out loud seems like I should be offended. What I was saying in that moment was actually quite difficult to voice, but the important thing for me was that her response was in line with my own sense of humor about myself. She was actually being rather empathic in that moment. When I realized what she was saying, we both laughed. The whole thing felt lighter after that.

The differenced here are that a.) she realized her laughter could be misconstrued and apologized first. b.) she explained why she was laughing. c) I was in on the joke at it was not at my expense.

So if this feels like this might bother you, I would ask your T to explain his reaction ('You smirked/laughed when I talked about...') and feel free to tell him what you fear it might mean (It felt condescending... are you mocking me? )

I'm going with this...

I can't see him as flirting with me; I don't think he's attracted to me.

Do you think he doesn't realize you're being serious when you talk about these things?

That's really interesting. I do have a preoccupied attachment most of the time, but it's only been with emotionally unavailable men. (I don't think my T is necessarily emotionally unavailable IRL). My transference and preoccupation gets really intense in these relationships.

I've always felt he has this really alluring ambience about him. But I am thinking more of that comes from me than him. I've thought about what some here have said, and I think it was innocent, maybe playful. But maybe he has some kind of unconscious seductive thing going on. Hmm.

No, I guess maybe i'm saying it in a playful, innocent way?