Touch in therapy...it's gone.

I'm sorry, ML. I've been following your threads recently, hoping you and your t would find a solution that you felt was best. I'd probably automatically go into hardcore retreat mode over something like this, so I'm of no help here. It sucks.

Ok, this makes me furious. A t shouldn't be the one changing something so significant without input from you. Boundaries need to be consistent. She is careless. Sorry. Her email is kind but you were/are not ready. So if she couldn't see the "touch" thing through, she should have never initiated it. I would not handle something like this well. It makes me feel like my t knows what she is doing. As you know, I have major touch issues and yearnings from my t. She has been very careful, giving a little but not too much. Changing things up would make me feel so rejected. I would hate her for it. I need consistency.....

Here's something else that might not have been addressed: when you initiate a touching relationship with someone, you enter their personal world, personal space and personal existence.

Touch is powerful, which is why a therapist doesn't get to pay therapeutic ping pong with it.

I find the aspect of therapy where some therapists forge bonds only so the patient can practise having them removed without warning to be particularly sadistic.

I also disagree with others who thought her email showed care. I thought it showed manipulation and authoritarianism clothed in the words of care. It's essential to remember that what people say is 100% irrelevant. What they do is the only thing that matters.

This therapist has shattered your trust. You'll never know from this point if she's doing something because she is genuinely compelled to do it or if its some way to draw you out onto a ledge she intends to knock out from under you.

I think she's unprofessional and damaging.

I also agree with the belief that a therapist should never use a technique like touch to foster trust and increased intimacy (not talking sexual intimacy here) in the therapeutic relationship unless he/she is prepared to deal with the ramifications of said touch. And perhaps even more importantly, it isn't something that is used and then removed without open discussion about why it's being removed; plus owing up to one's own mistakes in using touch ineffectively and clumsily. Discussing or explaining it through email is definitely not appropriate. Personally, I have no problem with therapists encouraging email/texting/phone calls/letters to foster trust and connection, but like touch, it shouldn't just be withdrawn without discussion.

Like some others, I also didn't feel that the email from your therapist showed care or understanding of what her actions have caused. I felt that it came across as infantilizing and authoritative. Perhaps it came across that way to me because it read like something out of a therapy textbook. This should have been a sensitive and empathetic conversation between the two of you face to face. I don't think I'd walk away at this point. I'd go back and confront her head on about how arrogant her email was and how SHE is the one who was intellectualizing and pontificating rather than being the therapist who is suppose to be your guide, walking alongside you in this journey of yours to build deeper and more intimate relationships based on equality and personal awareness! Of course, I'd do the confronting with a bit of humor so she might actually get how bad she screwed up.

My T. would ask why it hurts to feel close to her. I told her that I'm afraid she's going to hurt me. She never told me she won't - I guess that's unrealistic and a big promise to keep. She has mentioned that I should consider her safe. It will take many more months to really feel it.

I don't know where to begin. My T and I have had a rocky road with touch and she "took it away" too, but then she "brought it back" in a different way, via somatic experiencing, which is a therapeutic method of incorporating touch into therapy.

Early in therapy we used to do Internal Family Systems, and a child part wanted to hold T's hand. That's how it all started. Yes, touch is powerful, and it was the best part of my therapy.

My T did not tell me she was stopping the touch, either, but I knew. It was obvious, after over a year, that she withdrew her hand sooner, and made comments like "only for a minute" or something like that! She totally stopped the touching when she thought one session that I was "crossing over, that it was becoming sexual for me". It wasn't but she disagreed. We didn't discuss it much but she did tell me she wasn't going to hold my hand anymore. She would still hug me, though.

I was devastated becaue I used to ask her many times if she was ever going to take "holding my hand" away, and she reassured me that she was not. But she did. I survived, I guess because of the strength of our relationship and my knowing how much she cared about me, even though I felt she was wrong and I felt she didn't believe me that it wasn't sexual.

I brought it up periodically and she gave me different answers, like "it was her stuff, not mine", and "it felt tired". At least that was more honest.

Last year, or the year before (I'm sorry I don't have a good sense of time unless I look it up), she agreed that she was wrong and she was going to reinstate holding my hand! I was shocked. She make it clear that there was a specific reason to hold my hand, and that was to help calm my nervous system so I would have that inside of me. I didn't care. The feelings I get when holding her hand are the safest, calmest, best feelings I've ever felt.

So, musinglizzy, I empathize with you. I lost some of my trust in my T when she "took touch away" without explaining it the first time. When she reinstated it, every session I asked her if she was going to "take it away" again. Finally she told me I don't have to ask that each session because she is not!

I'm not sure how my story relates to you. I happen to think your T's email is sincere, and I like that she signs it "love". I can tell she cares about you very much. My T didn't realize how bad I would feel when she decided to stop holding my hand. I agree that touch is very powerful, and I wish my T had discussed it with me instead of gradually taking it away. She even told me "did you think we were going to hold hands for the rest of your therapy?" Well, I did!!! Now that she is a SE practitioner, she changed her mind. I'm not sure I like that either, but I'm happy with my therapy and my T. She did what she thought was best at the time, and her good qualities outweigh her weaknesses.

Ts can change their minds, which is something else to gain from my experience. I never thought I'd be holding T's hand again but I am. I also didn't think she'd ever email me again, but she does that too. I know it's best to be consistent, but circumstances do change.

If I were you, I'd keep talking about your feelings with your T. Sometimes that's as helpful as the touching. There are other ways you can be close to your T too. I wish you the best with this situation.

Seems to me if you're okay with touching someone who gives touch then withdraws it and then gives it again, you're also okay with setting yourself up for another change of heart / therapeutic style / mood or whim.

I think therapists get away with a lot. Too much, actually. I also think they should keep their hands to themselves at all times and avoid this whole situation, but that's just my opinion.

It's also a cultural thing. In some circles, hand holding means very little. In the middle east, men hold hands all the time.

However, I have never held hands as an adult with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, and I can't even begin to fathom doing so with my therapist. Every second of it would be excruciatingly awkward.

I still keep coming back to the fact that therapists should not blur boundaries and then knock clients back when the client naturally wants what they have been getting. Life is full of people who will mess you around, you don't need to pay someone to be erratic with your heart.

I totally get you being hurt, and it took some guts to even ask her what happened. But, I'm actually kind of impressed by your therapist's email, because at least it shows she's putting some thought into helping you. Whether she's "wrong" or "right" in her approach who knows, but it does seem that she at least cares, at least enough to write a long well thought out response to you! Not many people care about me that much, I think my therapist does, but you know what I mean.

I do see how people could find it a bit manipulative, and she even seems to cop to that. My only suggestion would be to follow up with her on your feelings about it. No, you cant force her to hold you again, and you probably don't want to, but you can provide your input. She doesn't come off as authoritarian, at least to me. She even says in her email she's based the timing off her feeling and there's no science to it. It's not like she's giving some kind of ultimatum that she will never hold you again, she never really says that (at least as I interpret it), and she does leave the hugs on the table. Perhaps she's not withdrawing it all together but just cutting back?

My therapist held me once, then he watched me cry a couple times, then he held me again, now he's watched me cry a lot more. I do wonder about it, like whether there's some method to the madness, like will he sit next to me and hold me again, and also why as an adult do I give such a **** that my therapist come and hug me... ?! But I do. I still feel stupid when I cry, and I shut it down as fast as I can. No one came to hug and console me as a kid, and at least one time that I can recall I was hit after crying about being hit. So of course I learned not to cry, and I learned people that cry are often despised for it. Of course everyone's situation is different! Truth be told I can flip into almost immediate sexual fantasy when he comes to hug me. Anything, anything to avoid showing emotion maybe? LOL.

Other then talk about it, I would say try not to catastrophize it. When I am in a really crappy mood I take something bad and blow it into catastrophic proportion, and it is because of my catastrophically horrible past... but my therapist isn't mean mommy, he's not going to laugh while I cry or come attack me, whether he hugs me in the moment or at the end of the session. If he doesn't hug me one day, it doesn't mean he wont the next, you know!

God therapy is a mind ****.

I agree with everyone who said it was a mistake of her to just start withdrawing touch without discussing the issue with you. In my opinion, it is sending a mixed message. On one hand she is saying "I am withdrawing touch so you can learn self-reliance and self-direction" and on the other hand she is implying, "you're not competent to participate in decisions about your care. I am going to make decisions for you since you don't know what is best for you."

I got another Email from her. Thank you so much for the support and understanding, folks. If you knew my past, you would understand why this is so triggering/upsetting for me. We all have a story. Here is her Email. I'm not getting it back.

From T:

I know you are deciding whether to continue in therapy or not, and I deeply hope you will carry on. I do understand how important it was to you to have a shoulder to cry on, and how hard it feels to lose that. One of the things I hope you will discover through this is that the same love, support, presence, and acceptance are available to you in the room as always, just from a slight distance.I hear and understand your points about wishing I would have discussed things with you, warned you, etc. Unfortunately, that's not how things unfold. This was not premeditated or superimposed. I have to work with and trust my intuition, and that makes it impossible to predict and discuss ahead of time. I would not have predicted ahead of time that I would ever have been sitting on the couch with you, nor did I predict ahead of time when it felt wise for me to stick to my own chair. I have learned over the years to trust my instincts, and I understand that that leaves a lot of openings for misinterpretation, for example that there is anything repellant about you (not), or that you did something wrong (not). My objective in all things is to promote your strength and health, and sometimes that requires doing things that are not immediately welcome. I can only assure you again, that I am committed to working with you for as long as it takes.

You have been foreshadowing the topic that you have yet to bring up. I understand if that feels yet harder to discuss right now. I believe that this will change if you give it a chance. I believe that you will begin to feel better eventually if you continue. I know this feels like a set back to you, but I don't see it that way at all. I greatly appreciate your openness in discussing the feelings it brings up. This is as legitimate via email as in person. It has long been our pattern that much of the disclosure happens between sessions, and our actual time together is not as verbally productive, but gives the emotional glue. That is fine. Think of it as me being with you in a different way.

I say again, you are not alone. That is, you are alone in the way that each of us is fundamentally alone, but I know you are down there, and I will stay here reaching out a hand.

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry and also had similar experience- my T doesn't hug me anymore like he used to do and said he will never touch me again.
It's painful when ts change their boundaries, maybe her supervisor told her not to do this (supervisor told my T not to touch me).
I don't know how to deal with this, it's just painful

My T is her own boss, she makes her own rules. I think to give something, then to take away from, something that was beneficial for a pretty depressed client is inhumane. She never should have started it to begin with.

Can you take a break and clear your head? Is that doable? Then revisit her emails and all that's happened and see what your intuition tells you. I know what mine is saying, but I see it from the outside and I know you're in an emotional hell.

eta: It makes my skin crawl when someone coats their acid in honey, and that's what I get from her emails.

lickety, you're very insightful, what does your intuition tell you? You can hit me up privately if you want. I'm thinking a break is in order. How pathetic is it I'm not even going to work today. Physically (pain) and emotionally, I am not in a good place.

Like I posted before, it happened to me so I understand your feelings. My T took away the best part of my therapy, IN MY OPINION, when she stopped the touch. I agree that a T shouldn't start something like that and then stop it. However. my T said that she has to readjust according to how the therapy evolves. She did that with email too. It wasn't premeditated, as your T writes in her email. She didn't plan to take the touching away to hurt you. She's using her professional experience and knowledge to do what she thinks is best. She sounds like a good T. I hope you can work through this though it will be hard. There were times when I told my T "I wish you were holding my hand." Instead, I looked into her eyes and saw that she was touching me with her heart.

I should say, she has had some major stresses in her personal life, and I don't think she should be making decisions like this during that time. Wouldn't you all agree? Even us average folk know not to make decisions in the heat of the moment.....

Maybe my personal feelings cloud my judgement, I just feel like anyone has the right to choose how and when they are touched and maybe a T *should* be better but they are often not. If they touch out of an immediate need and try to pull back in the least hurtful way possible then I think it is their right to decide they don't want to touch or be touched anymore. As someone who has a love/hate relationship with touch maybe I am putting my personal cloud on it. I just feel I can't say "I am the client, I am hurting, I have the right to have access to your body as it helps me" I probably shouldn't comment on a topic that triggers me. Sorry.

You also have the right to decide if it is worth continuing.

I honestly think you need to step back and get some perspective on the situation. She may have handled it poorly, but I do think her intentions are good. I think she cares about you and is thoughtful about your care. You are having a very emotional reaction that is tangled up in your history, making it hard to see this in anything but a negative light, even though it really does seem your T was working on her best professional intuition about this. I suspect there never would have been a right moment to do this, nor would any amount of discussion ahead of time made any difference in your reaction. That may also be what she realized and why she realized a change was needed.

People, even therapists, make errors, or in the least they work on their best intuition and thought about circumstances, even knowing sometimes a situation is a Catch-22: damned if they do; damned if they don't. Your T genuinely seems to care and want the best outcome in the long-run for you. Right now you can only see the short-run; that is completely understandable. I hope you can step back and gain some perspective in time, eventually understanding her thought process and efforts to do her best for you, even if that best feels completely awful in this moment.

My t has never dared to touch me, given my history, but sometimes i long for it. Or, i used to long for it. Havent had therapy in a long time now.

I do believe that it would be good for you to take some deep breaths, do some self-care things (go out to lunch with friends, watch a few great comedies, eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, go for a hike or a walk with a beloved pet, call a supportive friend) and put the emails/texts from your therapist on hold for a bit. I personally don't think taking a "long therapy break" is the best thing to do right now. A short break, as in a few hours or a day or two of no emails, phone calls or texts would be a really good thing to do. Give yourself some breathing room.

But I do think that it is worth considering that this is a really good time for you to deal with the rupture. You've talked many times about the good things with this therapist and some of her mistakes. I think that it is human and understandable to have these issues in therapy. I don't know about you, but one of the reasons I am in therapy is to learn how to navigate just these types of situations in real life--to not take off when things get uncomfortable. This could be an excellent opportunity to learn how to cope and deal with personal difficulties like this. I'm not saying that it will turn out with the two of you joining hands and singing You Are My Sunshine, you might decide she isn't able to accept her piece in this rupture and you leave. But at least you have the chance to see if you can navigate it effectively and stand up for yourself. I do think she has made a mistake in this situation and her continued emails are an indication that she isn't handling her "mistake" very effectively. But considering your history together, it might be worth trying to sort this out--But in person!!!

I think I need a break from therapy, talking about therapy, thinking about therapy, everything. I'm so tired.

I love this....

What bothers me about both of her emails is that she is making unilateral decisions about your therapy without bothering to include you in the discussion. It feels very arrogant to me. Saying that she has to trust HER intuition and act accordingly feels wrong. I don't think a T can know what is best for the client without including the client in the conversation. Saying that there was no way to predict her behavior also makes me feel very unsettled. I think most T's do in fact know their touch gameplan ahead of time. I do not think it is beneficial to the client to have the T simply give and take things away at will. If I were in your situation, I would find it traumatizing.

scorpiosis, it IS traumatizing. I didn't even go to work today..... had a horrible panic attack this morning and figured I'm best off being alone today

This email- I feel angrier having read it.

"Unfortunately, that's not how things unfold."

Well, who has control of that? T does. Yes, agreed, intuition plays a part in therapy, but when the subject is an intense, important, emotion-laden one such as deciding whether to begin touch, withhold touch, or changing an established boundary around touch...that requires a compassionate, thoughtful discussion in person with the client!

She didn't discuss it with you, she just began to change the rules gradually and waited for you to bring it up?? She is clarifying her position through email? These maneuvers come across as thoughtless and sloppy work by the T.

Boundaries are important. What other boundaries might she change by her whim or "intuition" without discussing them with you? T's don't just get to change such boundaries without discussing them with the client. I'm sorry! How confusing for you! This would impact my ability to trust this T. And she certainly should not be clarifying her position through emails. It is way too important and should be done in person for how many sessions it might take for you to react, think about, and ask as many questions as you need to.

I have followed your threads and my impression is that your T does care. But I think she is very wrong here.