[Tongalee]

I went to therapy today and got to sit right next to my therapist. It felt nice to be semi close to her. It felt a lot easier to talk knowing that she couldn't so easily look at my face. Though there was comfort in that, the rest of my session took on a few hard topics. Mostly the fact that I feel pretty terrible about myself and in most situations I see myself as a pretty disgusting unlovable thing, I'm not certain I feel comfortable even saying person. she wants me to start "making room" for the possibility that I have these bad self thoughts, but that they are not necessarily truth. I want to agree with her, and believe this too, but I can't. She doesn't think any of what happened was my fault, but she just doesn't understand what happened. I need her to understand. I wish I could sit with her for a whole day and we could have a conversation about what happened. Now I'm at home feeling like crap, and all I want to do is sit next to her And be snuggled by her. I'm just so dumb

[ThisWayOut]

Comfort feels good. There's nothing wrong with that.
Why do you say she doesn't understand what happened? Is it because you have not explained it? Or because she disagrees with your self-assessment?

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Comfort feels good. There's nothing wrong with that.
Why do you say she doesn't understand what happened? Is it because you have not explained it? Or because she disagrees with your self-assessment?

Both. I haven't told her some of the more difficult and embarrassing things that I have done, and on what I have told her we have differing opinions. She said something once about the difference between me doing things and having things done to me. The way I see it I was an active participant in my "csa", but she says that those things were done TO me and I did not have the ability to say no or escape from a terrible situation. This is bologna, I was there, I had a voice and all it took was one short sentence to stop it all.

[guilloche]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, Tongalee

I think it's really brave that you can talk about this stuff with your T at all, especially how you feel about yourself. I can relate to that, but am nowhere near letting T know yet.

I wonder... you said that you want to agree with her and believe her... but you can't. Maybe you don't have to yet? Instead of trying to just instantly change your perception, can you think about it like this... "I don't know if my T is right. She may be right, she may be wrong." - i.e. don't believe her 100%, but don't *disbelieve* her either. To me, that's what making room for the idea is...

[ThisWayOut]

I think it can be easy to fall into the trap of "if T really knew everything about me, and truly understood everything, then she would feel just like I do"... I think someone else posted similar feelings about their csa (it was maybe several months ago... might have actually been you, but it's all vague in my head, so apologies).
Part of what makes csa (any abuse really) so damaging is that the guilt inherent in it brings up feelings of responsibility. Yeah, you might be able to look back with your current learning and understanding and KNOW that you could have said "no" or walked away, but what's the reality of that at the time the abuse was ocurring? many factors go into vulnerability to csa: the relationship to the person initiating it, previous learning around authority and choice, fear, confusion, and a lot more... even adult abuse survivors look back years later and berate themselves for not leaving sooner. they blame themselves for staying in a dangerous situation, but at the time it was the "safest" choice for whatever reason...
I second what guilloche said, perhaps try conceding that, while T may not be correct, she may also not be incorrect.
I can totally relate to how you are feeling though. I go through similar bouts often... It's always easier to see the good in others than myself though...

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm sorry you feel blue, Tongalee. I don't know what happened in your life, but I do know you're a real person, with value and worth. It doesn't matter what happened, it doesn't take away your humanity or your value as a person. It will take time for you to ever come to believe that. Eventhough you feel bad about yourself, all of us out here can see your humanity and kindness. Hang in there. Keep working with your T and soon you'll begin to see it, too.