If your therapist tells you that they love you,

Have you ever told them that you love them in return (i.e. I love you, too?) Would that be weird or completely in appropriate? Do you think it's possible to love your therapist in a completely therapeutic (non-transference) way?

Yes. In fact I've told my T I love her, as my therapist, or in a therapeutic way.

When she's used the word "love," either to say (or write) she loves me, or how she has used it at the end of a few Emails "Love, T", I raise an eyebrow because I don't believe it, but find it nice for her to say. Ts have many clients. Clients (typically, ahem, stopdog) only have one T. I'm reading a book right now that has a chapter that discusses just that. Anyway, my point being I believe it's much easier for us to love them, yet my T has said it is her job to "show me" love in my therapy. I don't remember how exactly she said it... because I told her it was NOT her job to love me. Hey, I'm hard to love, what can I say? Too much baggage.... lol

Well, I guess it's concrete proof that it was used..... it doesn't really matter to me if she uses it or not.

I can't imagine my therapist ever saying something like that. I get the sense that she's a loving person, so I tend to think that radiates out to all her clients, but it's not at all an I love you vibe, just...genuinely accepting.

I would think it would be a bit weird if my therapist ever said something like that to me. Those I've had have said a lot of good things about me & pointed out work I've done or things they love ABOUT me, but I would definitely think twice if I ever had a therapist say ''I love you''.... I don't really care what context it's in, that seems to be blurring some lines to me. That's just how I would take it though, some people wouldn't mind but I just think that's a bit too intimate for a client-therapist situation....

My therapist started telling me all the time that she loved me and how much she thought of me when we weren't in session. I never reciprocated any response. I know I did love her in a therapeutic way and I believe that's the way she felt about me. I also believe that is why she unethically and inappropriately terminated me without explanation. She said that she could no longer support me in my decisions and cancelled all of my remaining appointments. Talk about a stinger that hurts. It's been one year and I currently have a competent and ethical therapist but constantly fight the attachment response because of being hurt so badly. I now believe no therapist should ever say that to a client! I wish she never would have said that.

My old T would say along the lines of "many people love you, like your mom, brother, me, your friends, etc" I find saying love in that context is okay, but not directly "I love you"

I hope she never says she loves me. I would not say it back.

My t and i say i love you to each other just about every time we talk. Sometimes she says it first, sometimes i say it first. She always makes sure to say it after a really tough session when she has pushed me really hard.i always appreciate it.

Mine has signed love on all emails for the last 10yrs.
I never asked her to. Infect inthe beginning I thought she'd forgot I was just a client.
But, over my term with her she has been consistent, has boundaries that feel safe, and never once have I felt 'unsafe' or violated' but than that's not my drama.
I told her I felt I loved her once, and I can't even remember if she replied. I think we just sat with that lol.
I don't think love is the problem. I think abuse is the problem in unskilled T's

Idk, maybe it's me but I found it strange for Ts to say Iloveyous to their clients...I could see it being beneficial in certain contexts but being the one to say it? I would freak out and need to spend few sessions taking about it:/ Needles to say I would not say it back. And I do think I like my T quite a lot.

Love is a human emotion and if my therapist told me "I love you" directly, yes, I would say it in return. But as it is, he's told me something like "I love you" twice but indirectly, as if he meant to let me know but was afraid of the words (which I totally understand, given the nature of the therapeutic relationship) and I'm not going to say it to him any more directly than he does to me. But we do definitely feel love for each other, I have no doubt about that. I wouldn't say it back if he told me he loved me and I didn't love him too.

No, and in most cases, I think it's highly inappropriate. Compassion is one thing, throwing the l-word around is something entirely different.

I like this thought.....

I don't think my T. will ever say it but she says she shows it.....

I find it interesting how the "l-word" (as if it's a bad word) causes so much controversy, but I understand it can be very loaded for some people.

I kind of agree with Mouse that the word itself isn't the problem; it is when it is used abusively, and I would add when a therapist realizes a client would be thrown by its use in some way.

I have no problem with telling people I love them or with hearing it from others, but I come from a very demonstrative family. We say we love each other all the time, and not just husband and wife, but parents to children, children to parents, siblings, even with good friends, etc. That's completely usual for us. My therapists have always known that about me, so they have known they could use the word without me freaking out about it in any particular way, that I could take it in stride.

But I know that isn't the norm for many people, and therapist do have to know who they are dealing with before they use the words. Unfortunately, I think many open their mouths before they consider the effects their words might have on their clients.

@lolagrace - LOL, it's not a bad word, but it's just, in my opinion, extremely unprofessional for a therapist to go there with a client? These aren't family members or friends. They're paid for a service. To me it's way over the boundary line and encourages unhealthy attitudes in general (every situation is different, of course) and I don't understand why people would want their therapist to love them or to love them in return. Maybe somebody could explain it to me?

Like, I trust my mechanic when I need my brakes fixed, which is a pretty big measure of trust considering I put my life in his hands every time I get behind the wheel, but a declaration of love on either of our parts would be weird.

I need my T to have empathy with me but I also need them to remain objective, which means keeping some kind of detachment. If a therapist told me they love me, and thankfully none has, I would start worrying that they're losing that detachment/objectivity.

I can only speak from my experience and perspective. I didn't "want" my therapist to love me, but over the years it was just a natural by-product of our relationships. We liked each other as people. We cared about each other as people (my therapists have been fairly open books with me, so I was aware of their families, hobbies, etc.). I don't find "love" to be that big a thing quite honestly. I also see it as coming in different forms with different people under different circumstances. I've never been burdened by the love I have felt for my therapists; it seems quite natural to me. I completely realize other people see and experience love from a different lense. (I don't "love" my mechanic by the way).

Well its not my car that im bringing in to my t, its my carcass! And its been left out in the emotional cold by itself for too long. So yeah i want my t to tell me he is going to treat it/me with tender loving care. Thats what my carcass needs. Not a squirt of wd-40.

I'm not sure I can explain why I want my T to love me, but I do. I think it has to do with my unmet infant needs. She represents a mother figure and the transference is such that the infant and child parts of me want love from her.

For most of my therapy, my T never used the word "love" except once when she asked what the child part needed. I said "for you to tell her you love her." So T said " I love her."

A couple of months ago I wrote "I love you" in an email to my T. I meant that I think she's very special and I DO in some sense feel that. It's always been hard for me to express love to anyone except my kids. I was surprised when she emailed back "sending love to you." She never wrote that before. We talked about it at my next session and she repeated that she does feel love for me, love that really means deep caring, not romantic love.

I said "I love you" directly in another session, but I know she wouldn't say the words directly to me. I mentioned in my last session that I wish she could sign her emails "Love, T" which to me is nice, like others who care about me, write. I didn't think she would, but she did.

I think it's good if T and client understand what the word means when they use it. I love my T in many ways, some is like a child loves her mother, but one way is because she's such a good person. I told her that. She loves me like a T loves a client. I think she's willing to use the word because it helps me internalize her caring, but if she didn't feel it at all, she wouldn't say it. Sorry if I wrote too much in my answer!

I don't take my carcass to the therapist for the therapist to have anything to do with it.
I go there for information or failing that - to have the therapist sit there quietly while I tell them things.
Totally the where might one theoretically squirt wd-40 and get what possible results were one to try.

i don't think it's completely ethical; a therapist telling her client she loves them. i just don't think that's what they're taught to do in therapy school.

if my therapist told me she loved me, i wouldn't know what to say.

Right? It would be so awkward. "I love you" "well...I don't dislike you" haha

My T never said it FIRST. That she wouldn't do. And she'd never say the 3 words, just "I feel love, or sending love, or " love t" which is subtly different.

' love' and 'I love you' aren't the same thing.
'Love' can be a definition of the spirit in which email is sent. That's fine.

But, no, I would not want a T to say they ' Loved me'.. That becomes subjective.