If your therapist tells you that they love you,

My t never said "I love you" but she has more than once talked about there being a certain kind of love in the therapeutic relationship. Perhaps it needs its own word.

My t never said "I love you" but she has more than once talked about there being a certain kind of love in the therapeutic relationship. Perhaps it needs its own word.

I'm not sure I can explain why I want my T to love me, but I do. I think it has to do with my unmet infant needs. She represents a mother figure and the transference is such that the infant and child parts of me want love from her.

For most of my therapy, my T never used the word "love" except once when she asked what the child part needed. I said "for you to tell her you love her." So T said " I love her."

A couple of months ago I wrote "I love you" in an email to my T. I meant that I think she's very special and I DO in some sense feel that. It's always been hard for me to express love to anyone except my kids. I was surprised when she emailed back "sending love to you." She never wrote that before. We talked about it at my next session and she repeated that she does feel love for me, love that really means deep caring, not romantic love.

I said "I love you" directly in another session, but I know she wouldn't say the words directly to me. I mentioned in my last session that I wish she could sign her emails "Love, T" which to me is nice, like others who care about me, write. I didn't think she would, but she did.

I think it's good if T and client understand what the word means when they use it. I love my T in many ways, some is like a child loves her mother, but one way is because she's such a good person. I told her that. She loves me like a T loves a client. I think she's willing to use the word because it helps me internalize her caring, but if she didn't feel it at all, she wouldn't say it. Sorry if I wrote too much in my answer!

Well its not my car that im bringing in to my t, its my carcass! And its been left out in the emotional cold by itself for too long. So yeah i want my t to tell me he is going to treat it/me with tender loving care. Thats what my carcass needs. Not a squirt of wd-40.

Have you ever told them that you love them in return (i.e. I love you, too?) Would that be weird or completely in appropriate? Do you think it's possible to love your therapist in a completely therapeutic (non-transference) way?

I believe that therapeutic relationship love IS transference love.

My therapist would never tell me that she loves me. In fact, that very thing came up today. I showed her a text my mom sent which was really nasty...but this is nothing new from my mom, BTW. But in the text my mom reminded me that no one loved me, yes, including her. My therapist was disgusted by the text, but she is disgusted by my mom in general. Anyway...she said that what my mom said wasn't true. That she, my T, cares so much about me. She said it is unethical to say the "L" word. She then preceded to tell me again how much she cares and that my life "means the world" to her. I guess this is her way of showing love? I don't really know what love is though.

Sounds like your mother never felt loved, and thats what gets passed down. Im glad i grew up during Beatles time, when we werent so afraid of saying "All you need is love".

I am not sure what non-transference love means and how one can distingish therapeutic love from non-therapeutic one. This is rather a complex subject and so I'd answer about love in general.

Clients can and do love their therapists often. It's a common occurance in therapy. For client it's perfectly fine to have this feeling and to express it. It's not ok for a therapist to express it EVER and, as far as feeling love for a client, a therapist should make their best effort to be clear as to what kind of love they are feeling.

Is it just general compassion for client's suffering? Is it liking client as a person with no desire to get close to them? Or is it a more intense kind of liking, an attraction (including sexual) that makes them want to make their relationship with client personal?

All those nuances are important. Whenever there is an intensity of feelings toward client that's a clear signal for therapist that they need to watch it and to understand where the intensity is coming from. If the intensity doesn't go away as a result of self-reflection, supervision and therapist's own therapy, then therapist should consider referring client out in a mindful ethical way.

I know of too many therapy "love" stories to believe that expressing love for a client can be either innocent or harmless let alone therapeutic.

On the contrary, my grandmother was an EXTREMELY loving mother to my mom and her 5 other children. It is my mom with the issues. She never wanted me and wanted to have an abortion but my grandma being an Italian Catholic said there was no way an abortion would be acceptable. So my mom had me and has hated me ever since.

Im sorry - thats a horrible thing for them to tell you.

Ime, its very difficult to find a t who understands what its like to have a non-mother. People think if youre still alive, then you werent neglected. But thats not true. And if you were neglected, you simply dont know what you missed.

Mine has signed love on all emails for the last 10yrs.

Ime, its very difficult to find a t who understands what its like to have a non-mother. People think if youre still alive, then you werent neglected. But thats not true. And if you were neglected, you simply dont know what you missed.

She was not my mother. She does not consider me her daughter. She never bothered to learn my name.

It's very difficult to find people in general who understand what it's like to have a non-mother. Over time, my T actually has come to understand my situation. However, I have yet to find a romantic partner who gets it AT ALL. Or even wants to try to get it. They seem to think that if my biological mother is physically alive, then that means I have-- and have always had-- a mother. In reality, the woman who gave birth to me (and often lived in the same house as me) never fed me one meal, never changed one diaper, never drove me to school, doctors, etc, never had a conversation with me, and never sat in the same room as me. Literally, never. To this day she does not know my name, my age, or what state I live in. I have spoken to her less than 10 times in my entire life-- each of which was exceedingly unpleasant. People just can't fathom that situation. But it's real. It took my T a good three years to "get it." But she gets it now. She is no longer silly enough to ask if I'm going to call my mom on Mother's Day or if I have any kind of "plans." Even when we lived in the same house, we didn't celebrate Mother's Day. Why would we? She was not my mother. She does not consider me her daughter. She never bothered to learn my name.

My therapist I have now wants nothing to do with me when I leave. I can write her and send her an update but she won't write me back. If I come back to visit she is not allowed to see me nor do I think she wants too.

Sorry not too happy right now.