Ok, as the title mentioned this one is climbing high on the crazy scale. I have ALWAYS wanted someone to care about me and want to keep me safe even if i knew they couldn't always be there.

At the same time, i have noticed that for at least a long time, i have a 'want' to be attacked and/or hurt. I don't understand why but i was watching one of those crime shows and they found a torture room and i immediately stopped what i was doing to look at the torture items and felt a desire to be hurt.

I honestly don't get it because i hyper focus on my surroundings and situations to make sure i can stay away from anything dangerous but then have thoughts and even dreams of being hurt.

I haven't told my t this stuff as there are soooo many things on the table already. He wants to start working on ptsd in a few weeks. I don't know that I want to add to the chaos by mentioning this or see if it settles as we work on the ptsd stuff.

Just wondering if anyone else does this. I sure relate to a lot of the things said on here but I haven't read anything like this before.

Let's see.

Is it at all related to a desire to have someone rescue you, take care of you after you've been hurt? (Just throwing that idea out there.) I know some people fantasize about being seriously ill for that kind of reason.

[laxer12]

I used to fantasize about someone in my family becoming ill or me ending up in a hospital because I wanted certain people to comfort me. I was really looking for that from these people that meant a lot to me and that's the only way I thought it would ever happen.

If what you really want is someone to come rescue you or comfort you, I totally understand where you're coming from. I didn't have anyone take care of me when I was hurting as a child and that's what I always wanted, and still want sometimes...I'm working on it

I would tell your T exactly what you just wrote. There could be something really important buried under there that is worth digging out.

For me it's how I internalised my caregiver. She fed me but also abused me.

I have definitely seen what you guys are talking about. I do sometimes fantasize about people taking care of me and even had surgery on both feet at the same time that i could have done without but said ok to because I thought someone would finally HAVE to help me (didn't work out that way).

This seems different though. It is more a feeling of wanting or needing to be attacked or hurt in order to be ok or right (I don't know how to explain)... I know, it sounds sooooo strange! That's why i wondered if anyone else has experienced it.

[Ad Intra]

I can understand where you're coming from. I don't want to assume about your past, but you did say you have PTSD so that gives me a clue that life has been hard for you.
Was there ever a period in your life in which no one cared for you or you felt like your needs were ignored?

Ad intra, oh yes. I have no memories before the age of 6 and based on some of the knowledge we do know, we are pretty sure there was csa. After 6 was years of emotional mess, so I know there is plenty of disfunction in my head. ..lol

So, i understand the desire for something to happen for attention and care but this thought of being attacked and really hurt seems much stranger because it is different then the times i think of someone caring.

Don't know, just bizarre.

[LonesomeTonight]

Maybe a desire to be submissive? Like an S&M sort of thing? If so, that's fairly common. Don't think your T would find it odd to talk about.

Or could it be you're feeling badly about yourself and feel you deserve to be hurt, like a sort of punishment? Just throwing some ideas out there.